My wife cant get out in her chair as we live at the top of a massive hill and the chair won’t make it.
My 3 year old screams all day to see her nanny (we cant video call as my mother in law has no Internet or smart phone and cant manage them due to her tech phobia)
We cant keep our daughter occupied as she loses control and hits and kicks. My wife has tried all her tricks from her early years education training.
Not being in routine has caused my wife severe depression. She cries every night. She’s lost 3 friends to suicide on the last year all that were a result of lockdown, lockdown causing lost jobs etc.
How are we meant to cope?
There is no local support, I’ve tried mutual aid groups but they can only collect shopping/prescriptions and my wife cant trust strangers with that so I do it all. But that makes my wife cry as she needs to be part of the shopping experience or it triggers her autism. (Calling her from the shop makes it worse)
Our tiny flat is now a prison and for nearly a year we have slowly become more and more depressed.
We’ve tried samaritans and shout but their heavily scripted responses cause more upset. We have tried mind who suggest Italk but italk won’t help my wife as they say she needs support from autism services. (She is on the waiting list again after waiting a year, having a single appointment, then her support worker quitting and not passing her to a new support worker)
Everything is too much for all of us and unless exemptions are made to save people like my wife im afraid I will lose her. Im scared she won’t recover from the deep depression she is in, I can see her fighting it but I don’t know how much fight she has left.
David
In certain circumstances you are allowed to have visitors.
This is a different situation to yours, but my friends elderly brother was burgled. My friend said to the police he wasn’t part of her bubble, but they said in certain difficult situations it would be allowed. Could you speak to someone and explain that your Mother in Law is needed to be in a bubble with you and your family, otherwise the affects of not are leading to complete breakdown with your wife and you.
It’s so worrying reading your post.
We cant see my mother in law as she is in a support bubble with my sister in law (she cares for my nephew every day after school)
We are putting our daughter back into preschool next week but kept her off before due to the high numbers as the thought of sending her back causes my wife and I extreme anxiety. But whoever had to accept how anxious we will be to allow our daughter to hopefully feel better. My wife has been sick with the anxiety since we decided yesterday and has had 2 panic attacks.
your MIL could form a childcare bubble with your SIL and care for the nephew (but not mix socially with SIL) and form a support bubble with your family to support your wife - as a vulnerable adult and in doing so you daughter would get to see her too. Just a thought.
Hopefully if your daughter is less stressed due to being back at preschool that will help her behaviour and take some of the pressure off at home. Get her to wash her hands/have a shower and change her clothes when she gets home as part of her new routine. Is it attached to a school or a private nursery?
It is possible to change support bubbles. Your MIL would need to not see SIL for 10 days ( she C oils still look after nephew) then she could bubble with your family. Might be worth broaching that with her.
Alternatively, since she is bubbled with your SIL she could still offer support to your daughter as an informal childcare arrangement. Also she could support your wife as a vulnerable person whilst you are our shopping.
Online shopping can save you money, there are lots of good deals and it’s safer too. To book a slot in advance, you only have to order one thing, they take card details but don’t take money from your card until the day before the delivery.
We shop multiple times a week in different shops which saves us money. We cant afford to do it all in one shop. Most of our food comes from aldi but they don’t deliver.
We also have to get shopping in Iceland and sainsbury’s to get tge brands my wife and daughter can eat. Its complicated but it took us a long time to get in the routine that enabled us to afford the shopping that we can all eat.
We had to use the food bank again at Christmas and I couldneat everything. My daughter could eat a few bits but my wife couldn’t eat anything.
The online shops are normally £40 for free delivery, and you often have to book a week in advance which we cant afford and cant wait for.
We’ve tried speaking to our gp to get advice on the mental health side of things and they haven’t been at all helpful. They take ages to email back and won’t do calls because ethey are busy.
My mother in law is in a tough spot vmbeavuse my sister in law will get really angry is she cant see her. There have been threats of “you won’t see your grandson again” which is commen. My mother in law is so afraid of losing her grandson she cant say no to her.
My mother in law is amazing and kind and the only real mum I’ve ever had and we cant cause more upset. My father in law passed away a year ago and she is still struggling, we cant add to her pain.
As I explained earlier, you need to book your online booking slot well in advance. I book my Click and Collect slots 4 weeks in advance, every Thursday between 2 and 3pm, because that works for me. You do NOT have to pay for your shopping in advance, you only pay when your order is picked, the night before delivery. Even if you just did an online shop every 2 weeks, for the bulky heavy basics, it would certainly make life far more easy for you than it is at the moment.
I know this probably cheating, but you could add a bulky item that you don’t really want, then tell the Sainsbury’s driver you no longer need it. The refund is back in your account the next day. I haven’t actually done that myself, but my son in law who drives for ocado says customers have done it. Policy is to accept unwanted items. I have returned items, something like bacon I don’t like the look of, or an item with a short sell by date. Never a problem, and definitely refunded by the next day.
I don’t encourage cheating! But once or twice may get you in front with shopping, and make life easier? It’s only a little cheat, and not causing damage to anyone.
Maybe explain to your wife that she needs to compromise a bit to give your little girl a sense of normality? The government is asking us to stay in as much as possible, ideally shop once a week. I have given you a perfectly good option. I cannot believe that you can’t get enough food for a week from Tesco to keep you going, £40 every 2 weeks would make life so much easier for you, given the fact that you are complaining about pushing a wheelchair up and down a steep hill.
We shop multiple times a week in different shops which saves us money. We cant afford to do it all in one shop. Most of our food comes from aldi but they don’t deliver.
We also have to get shopping in Iceland and sainsbury’s to get tge brands my wife and daughter can eat. Its complicated but it took us a long time to get in the routine that enabled us to afford the shopping that we can all eat.
We had to use the food bank again at Christmas and I couldneat everything. My daughter could eat a few bits but my wife couldn’t eat anything.
The online shops are normally £40 for free delivery, and you often have to book a week in advance which we cant afford and cant wait for.
We’ve tried speaking to our gp to get advice on the mental health side of things and they haven’t been at all helpful. They take ages to email back and won’t do calls because ethey are busy.
My mother in law is in a tough spot vmbeavuse my sister in law will get really angry is she cant see her. There have been threats of “you won’t see your grandson again” which is commen. My mother in law is so afraid of losing her grandson she cant say no to her.
My mother in law is amazing and kind and the only real mum I’ve ever had and we cant cause more upset. My father in law passed away a year ago and she is still struggling, we cant add to her pain.
My daughter goes back to preschool Tomorrow as I already explain my wife and I made the arrangements on Friday as did many other parents from our preschool who keps their kids off following Christmas.
Its quite rude to judge and assume we must have money when we don’t.
I have been doing all our shopping solo. I have to shop from different shops to.probide food my family can eat didn’t autism and sensory processing disorder. I’ve ready explained that. Im not fortunate enough to just do a weekly or 2 weekly shop online. (Trust me I’ve tried to think of every other way that can work but when you have an additional needs family you cant just do what everyone else can. You have to make sure your loved ones are able to eat.)
You are ignoring the government rules about staying home and shopping once a week!!!
I don’t have a crystal ball, I have no way of knowing what you income is.
However, with a wheelchair bound wife, previously you said about pushing her to the shops in a wheelchair, that means she should be receiving highest PIP, plus child benefit and other income related benefits.
Maybe you should consider asking CUK to do a benefits check for you?
Have you checked whether your council has a fund to help families in your situation. I know our council does. A lot of people have had to reach out for support.
Have you checked if you have a food bank in your area or a community larder?
I have heard in our area there is a Carers Welfare Fund as well.
I know that when we are stressed it is difficult to think straight have been there and done that
I’ve been in contact with our local mutual aid group and my local councillor. Food bank helps me and my daughter but not my wife sadly.
The local food cupboard have been helpful in the past but its a similar situation to the food bank.
My wife old chair was manual, my mother in law helped us get an electric one as it is far more helpful.
The law does not state you can only shop once a week I have double checked with my local council and it states you should shop only when and where necessary. It is necessary to put food in my home my family can eat.
I have spoken to cab again and we are awaiting a change in PIP following the decline in my wife’s physical health but as expected because of covid they are running slower than normal and they are exactly quick to begin with.
I am doing everything in my power as is my wife but some people seem content to judge without knowing, assume and belittle. It is exactly those kinds of people that are making lockdown harder than it already is for vulnerable people and their families.