My elderly Mum is refusing to eat

Hi, I can’t believe I writing on the same issue again, although Mum is older and has been in hospital for 7 weeks now, it is unlikely she will come home. My family think I should not help Mum to eat and I know they find it terribly hard to bear how thin and frail she has become. I feel unable to stop encouraging her to eat, trying to tempt her appetite with things I know she likes. Am I doing this for selfish reasons, wanting her to stay alive? What should I do? I don’t force feed her and stop if she refuses. But I know my brother and sister think I am wrong to do this and that I am just prolonging the inevitable. I am single and have cared for my Mum in her own home for several years and rely on my family and their support, I don’t want this to cause friction between us. Any comments, thoughts would be welcomed. Thank you. Dawn

3 Likes

Dawn, this is an awful time, my own frail mum hovered between life and death for months. One day I would visit her in the nursing home and think she was at the end. Then next day she would be sat in bed chatting! By this time I had Googled “Signs of Dying” and read articles explaining how our bodies gradually slow down, our organs work less well. The body knows and will only want what it can cope with. I also remember when I had a knee replacement in a private hospital and wasn’t very hungry. I ordered a very small portion but a plate full turned up, large enough for my big strong son after a day chopping wood. I turned it away and summoned the ward hostess! From these personal experiences I’d ask mum if she is hungry, and if so, is there anything small and tempting for her to try? Can she eat what they give her, for example if she has soup is it in a bowl when she struggles to use a spoon, or in a mug? You have to live with your conscience forever, I don’t want you to think “if only….” forever.

2 Likes

@Dawn_2204
I feel you should go with your own instincts. Your mum really won’t eat if she can’t or doesn’t want to. So your kind attempts aren’t causing problems. Maybe some smooth yoghurt.( I expect you have tried). Do the nursing staff try?
My late husband gradually stopped eating. I noticed half a pot of yoghurt on his hospital bedside table that staff had fed him.
Do you need to tell your siblings you have tried to help your mum eat a little. I understand it’s not easy keeping things back.
No you are not selfish, just going through grief and obviously love you mum very much.
I googled signs of dying when Bowlingbun suggested it. Yes the tears were flowing but it did help.
My heart goes out to you.

@Dawn_2204

I was in similar situation when my mother in law was diagnosed with terminal bladder cancer. The doctor explained that their food intake decreases and not to force feed. He said to let her eat and drink whatever she wants. You are not doing anything wrong. I also offered mum food and drink items she liked. Towards the end it was only few teaspoons of food or drinks. In your heart you will know that you are doing your best. It’s your journey in taking care of your parent.

2 Likes

A post was merged into an existing topic: FREE MP3s for those with dementia

Oh I am so sorry to hear this. I also read BB’s signs of dying but I think my Mum is a long way off.

What you have mentioned happened to my auntie. They admitted her to hospital (cancer had spread everywhere and they said she didn’t have long, this was 5 years after she was meant to have died and was in ICU for months on end) and she refused to eat or drink anything and was wasting away. My sister in law used to cook some savouries for her and she would wolf them down. It was like she miraculously was able to move again and sat up in bed and ate it all. My uncle knew the porter who worked at the hospital and he took a video of auntie (not of her face) shoving the food down her mouth.

Take some simple food and drink items and leave it with your Mum, if she wants to eat it, she will. If not, she won’t.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I wish you strength and courage.