My caring situation - doing it all alone

All about caring Young adult carers
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Getting used to being up for work often starts with having to get up to go to school. You seem to have missed out on that. My nephew decided that they would ‘home school’ their daughter and she decides when she get sup! Usually this is between 1030 and 1100am. That means their day is ruined. She is grumpy if she gets up earlier, which is going to be a nightmare when she HAS to get up for work. A routine is vital for anyone.

I also used to work shifts and whilst it is not ‘fun’ you have to educate your body to deal with it. Some days I had to be up by 4.30 to get to work and others I would only get home around midnight.

Before G had his stroke we had a very rigid routine - up at 5.45 so I could walk the dog before showering and then leave for work by 7am. When we shut the business and I was looking after him full tie, that went out the window and it was very hard, but it just takes self-discipline.

I agree with CC nothing happens overnight and you need to work on it all and not expect a magic wand to make things happen. You can turn a hobby into a business but that can take years and a LOT of very hard work. If you want to start a business in animation you will face a huge amount of competition. As for writing - there are tens of thousands of people who write and very little ever gets published. It’s possible to self-publish quite easily these days but you need some way of bringing it to th attention of readers as they will not just ‘stumble over it’. Again that takes a lot of effort and skills which take tie to develop.

You really need to decide WHAT it is you want and decide HOW YOU can make it happen. Without that commitment you will be in the same situation in ten years time. If that sounds harsh, it is a reality - a fact of life.

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42

I often recommend a book called “Starting Again” by Sarah Litvinoff.
I first read it soon after I was widowed and my life changed forever overnight.
I had to completely rebuild my life. In many ways, that is what you need to do.
You have to start looking forward, rather than dwelling in the past.
Yes, mum didn’t bring you up very well but as an adult, you are entirely responsible for your own life.

As you are a carer, claiming Carers Allowance, you are exempt from looking for work, and therefore if you moved out into your own flat or bedsit, you would probably get Housing Benefit.
Start looking asap.
You need to get away from mum and her drip feed of negativity.
This will hopefully kick start you into realising what life as an independent adult means, good and bad.

Making lots of changes all at once can be overwhelming, so start making lists on your computer of what you need to do, who you need to see etc. in order of priority.
Putting your name on a list would be a good start.
Find out about contents insurance and Council Tax.

One thing I haven’t asked is whether mum owns or rents her large home?

If she owns it, there could be serious problems if you move out now and she needs care later on.
Are you an only child?

44

Oh my, this honestly sounds very damming and doomed. I highly doubt I’m unemployable. I can get up early if forced to by needing to go to work and I could get a job at mcdonals or be a shelf stacker at tesco or something.
Accoeding to the job center I can do these things plus secratary and waiter at restaurants or pizza hut. Also receptionist or cashier at a shop.
They are crappy jobs but like you all say it’s a start right? It’d just be a crappy little job I make money with whilst working towards my dreams.
I am not doooomed to be homeless because I can get benefits and I have talents. I mean I could hire myself out as illustrator for other people’s books or other people who need something drawing. I could probably become a/work for an/architect as I’m very good at drawing buildings and my lines are perfect even without rulers.

You think I have no concept of time? What does that mean? Because I can’t get up early? I managed it when I was in my early 20s. I’ve no idea why I can’t seem to get up early now. Just bad habits I guess.

Well we have covered this but I’ll say it again: I have no relatives at all apart from a handful of cousins who don’t bother with us anymore. They stopped after grandad died. They helped me out after mum had her heart attack a few months after grandad died but have abandoned us again, abandoned me, a person who had no knowledge on how to care for a heart attack patient. The hospital and doctors didn’t care either and just left us to it apart from a half arsed care needs assessment which they forced mum to go upstairs when she was struggling and gave us nothing we needed and a social services woman who’s only help was for me to get out and have a life which wasn’t really helpful at the time.

I have 2 half siblings but they are my dad’s children and so they wouldn’t be obligated to help if that’s what you’re getting at. They have nothing to do with us. I met them once and they were indifferent to me.
My dad has also become estranged now.
He doesn’t visit like he did before 2020.
Mum owns the house since she cleared her debts after she inherited grandad’s money and sold his bungalow. Before that the bank owned it.
My dad owns half the house. after he dies I will have to share it with his wife.

I can’t remember if it was you or someone else who mentioned the I’ll end up homeless if I stay with mum until she dies but mum has assurred me that if she dies I’ll inherit this big house and also money from her life insurance. it’s alot I understand.
She threatened she will only disinherit me if I were to leave her. As you know she says she feels I’d be abandoning her like everybody else has, her husband, her parents who died and all the cousins who stop bothering with us.
TBH I feel annoyed that none of them have stuck around for me, even if they don’t like mum. She was always pleasant to them, but if They don’t like her for any reason they should’ve stuck around to help me out.

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Lord J - I think you need to look into the house situation carefully. If your father owns half and dies, then his wife could force a sale? Would you have enough money to buy her out and would you want to?

If you are not able to leave her, then I would suggest you look very carefully at doing things to get out of the house and build your confidence up. Charity shop work would help you with ‘people skills’ plus you would be contributing something to society and learning new skills which would really help if you want to get a job. Please do not be a ‘victim’. I do have some sympathy because I have to care for my very difficult husband who is nearly 84. I have tried very hard to get out for short periods and make new friends. It has not been easy and he is not happy and at times, can be mega abusive and threatening. But I keep doing it because otherwise I will sink into clinical depression.

I really do urge you to look into counselling. You do need to have a list of goals - small ones to start with, and move forward. You only get ONE life Lord J. If you could make a few new friends, that would be a huge step forward. Mine literally saved my life during the first lockdown. It takes time to build friendships and to have good friends you have to aspire to be one!

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So prove it!!

What’s the point of you sharing your woes on here, members giving their valuable time offering advice, if you don’t take note of what has been said and do something about it?

So why haven’t you? Fund your way through getting qualifications/ starting up a business/ advertising or whatever …

Then make a start, What are you waiting for? You could be run over by a bus tomorrow!

You said it! It’s because you haven’t got a purpose in life - this is something you can fix.

And how will that work out?

If you got a job and started saving you could buy her out or you could put your part of the sale proceeds towards a house … but you will need a steady income to get a mortgage … that requires earning some money. Once you have your own home you can’t claim housing benefit …

Lord J

It will be doom and gloom if you don’t start to act on some of the advice other members have given you.

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LJ - I have been following your posts and the kindly and supportive posts of people who are giving their time to answer you.

I have to agree with Melly - you don’t seem to be willing to actually get off your backside and do something. You are moaning about your lot and saying you are capable of so many things, but there is no evidence that you have actually even TRIED to help yourself.

Unfortunately, we live in the real world and you need to ‘wake up and smell the coffee’. You refer to being a Secretary as a “crappy job”. Do you realise how rude that is to the thousands of people who work in that role? For someone who has not worked to make such rude comments about others who get up in the mornings and actually earn a living to say that is reprehensible. Believe me if you want to get a crappy job as you describe it with the impression that you will be able to save money AND work towards a Career you are in for a very big shock. IF you were able to get what you describe as a ‘crappy job’ you would likely be on minimum wage. How much could you save from that after (say) a 40 hour week - bearing in mind you have to pay rent, utilities, food, travel - VERY little I would estimate.

You state that you could be an architect. DO you have the first clue as to what is involved in that Profession? No you do not. If you did you would know it takes years of STUDY and HARD WORK to achieve qualifications. It is not about ‘drawing buildings’ or drawing a straight line without a ruler. Do you understand the intricacies of Architecture? Have you read anything about the different types of architecture?

If you can hire yourself out as an illustrator, why have you not done so? Oh - you do realise that there are tens of thousands of illustrators out there who have spent YEARS honing their skills and are able to use a range of media to create images. Have you worked out how long it would take you to produce one drawing - bearing in mind there could well be edits required - how would you cost you time? You may find that the “crappy jobs” pay a lot more per hour than you could possibly earn with no experience, and no track record.

You talk about having a YouTube presence. Do you actually do anything with it or is it simply something you might play with from time to time when you have nothing else to do?

While it’s fine to have great aspirations, it means nothing un less you are prepared to get on your hind legs and DO something about it. You started off saying you wanted to have people giving you support for three years like someone else had. Can you explain why anyone should keep helping you when there is no sign of you helping yourself or developing?

It has been said before that this forum is for people who want some advice on how to deal with Caring and similar matters. We are Carers and our time is very limited ; solid sleep is often a luxury (last night I got 2 spells of less than 3 hours each - and yet I was up by 6.30 and out walking the dog, back to change a wet bed, make breakfast, do the washing and remake bed, clean the downstairs, write a shopping list, check 2 hospital visits, set up Graham’s meds for the coming week and still it is only just after 12 noon.

I am certain you will see this as me having a go at you, but you need to take some personal action and not hope someone will do it for you. You have had supportive comments from CC, BB, Pet and Helena and yet you seem no further forward than when you started this thread.

I hope you will eventually see the light and start helping yourself otherwise the prediction BB made three days ago will come true.

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48

Lord J
In my opinion, and I am sure others will agree…, No one’s job is crappy. From the person who sweeps the roads, to top consultants, all are needed and should not be under valued , unless an individual has caused problems. Of course some deserve better pay but that’s the reality of life.

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49

LJ, we have had a number of former carers on the forum who were made homeless just 4 weeks after their mum or dad died.
Absolutely heart breaking to all of us who read the posts.
They had no home, no job, no recent work history, no references, nothing.
No money, nowhere to put the house contents.
No family to help.

Ever since, I’ve always alerted every son or daughter of what could happen to them in future if they don’t take active steps to avoid it at all costs.

You seem to be living in some sort of Cloud Cuckoo Land where normal life doesn’t apply.
Fine while mum is alive but what then?

First you say mum owns the house.
Then you say dad owns half and when he dies you’ll have to share it with his wife.
Both statements can’t be right.
You need to find out the exact situation.

Mum is so vague and unreliable I’d suggest writing to the Land Registry in Weymouth and ask for a copy of their entry for the house.
It won’t cost much, and is a matter of public record, not confidential.
(I did this for the properties around me and was amazed to find that I owned the bottom of next door’s garden. Long story!)

We are not having a go at you, just trying to help you in your future life.
Take or leave our comments and advice, but one day mum will die.
Surely you need to be as prepared as possible for when this day comes?

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50

I would add to this and say you just need to be realistic and have goals but not expect them to happen quickly. I would really recommend that you do your research and take baby steps to help yourself. It is great that you are passionate but put it into action.

I will explain my story here, not because I am arrogant, but just to show you how much work is needed.

I knew I wanted to work in the media since school. In year 8, I was placed into a special needs class based on the fact that me and my family ended up homeless after part of our previous house collapsed. They also placed me in the group because they said I struggled to make friends and always had my head down in a book. I did have friends by the way, ironically all of them were book worms like me. I also found it hilarious that by year 11 the school was struggling because English standards were so bad that they literally gave people iPads and stuff to make them better.

Anyway the teachers knew I shouldn’t have been in that class, they kept me there until the start of year 9, when I was allowed to pick my options. I chose media and music. I did my Media GCSE and aged just 14 and I got an A*. I also got other GCSEs early including music and my first one in maths. I did more options the following year. One day at the end of year 10, a few teachers came up to me and congratulated me because I had the most GCSE’s in the school. I was naturally confused, I was always average at best. From there they put me on their gifted and talented list. I am probably the only person in existence to be on both lists in the space of secondary school. The school was also in special measures twice whilst I was there and was shut down a year after I left.

I left school 14 GCSEs.

After I left school I took part in a film project where I made two documentaries. I even interviewed the local MP at the time and lots of journalists in the area.

I then went to college and did two level 3 courses over 4 years. Overall, I achieved a grade of triple D* which is the equivalent of getting three A*s. I got 168 UCAS points which is the highest amount you can get in the country.

I then went to uni studying Media, specialising in Film production and Digital Media. I earned a scholarship which allowed me to pay for driving lessons and eventually a car (the car I still have now). I also got work on the student newspaper as a Digital Editor. I was responsible for designing the pages and manning the website. I then got more work as the Head of News and Interviews on the unis radio station. I did this whilst working in a shoe shop and getting as many work experience opportunities as I could get.

Whilst at uni I got jobs to fund my masters degree. I originally wanted to go to Salford to study journalism, but I needed to partly fund it myself. I worked and saved every penny so I could afford to go. Unfortunately covid hit and I couldn’t go, so I stayed in my home town opting for English instead. I never used that money for the course as the masters loan was enough to live off when I lived at home. I paid for food but didn’t have to pay rent. The money I saved has never been spent.

Prior to covid I was looking for any opportunity possible, and my uni developed a partnership with Team GB. I applied for this thing where I would get a fully paid trip to Birmingham for 4days to represent the uni and work with team GB. I did this with 9 other people. I also got other work experience opportunities going to radio 2 with Jeremy Vine, working on a Channel 4 sitcom pilot, and work experience with a production company.

After that I attended an event and met a bbc presenter. I ended up writing a few bits for them. Then again covid hit which destroyed that partnership. However I still maintained my friendship with the presenter.

I later worked in Asda from 2am everyday for abit more money and did that even after I started my masters. Half way through my masters I lost my dad and became a carer for my mum.

Not long after we had a guest speaker at uni from a newspaper. I spoke to him afterwards and he offered me an opportunity to write for him about my experiences of being a student in lockdown. The article did so well that they offered me money. It was the first time I got paid for my writing. At this time I also submitted the same article to a writing competition and I was short listed winning £100.

I then got a call from a local newspaper out of the blue who wanted to discuss a job with me. I had applied about a year before but they kept me on file. I also contacted the paper I am at looking for work experience, and they told me they had two jobs going for correspondents for different areas. I applied and was offered an interview. I suddenly had newspapers wanting me. Technically I got both jobs, but initially I got one area. I was later given the responsibility of both.

I was coming up till the end of uni at this point, and it was always a fear of how long it would take me to get a job after. Although it wasn’t the end of uni because I still had the dissertation to write, I had the interview for the paper on the afternoon just before my last ever lecture at uni. It was on a Thursday. I came out of that interview knowing I was bound to get it. The interview went so well. Me and the previous editor just clicked. I got the call on the Monday to say I got the job and I would start that week. I have been there since.

I explain this story to you not out of arrogance on my part, but just to show you it doesn’t happen overnight. My story is just one of many and applies to what I do, but it also demonstrates how the ‘crappy jobs’ are essential to next steps. Yes I hated working at Asda based on stupid covid rules. Yea I hated working in a shoe shop. They were all so important.

There are over avenues, but I assure you that I am not privileged, just determined. My dad was a bin man when he worked and my mum has never worked, we didn’t have much. However, dad was always supportive of his children and their choices. Dad later sustained an injury at work meaning he was left permanently disabled. He could no longer do his job. He never worked again.

I don’t want it to be daunting, but this is what it is like and it shows with determination you will do it.

It has taken me many years to learn my trade and I am still learning to this date. If you are serious about animation I would suggest that you really study it.

Do you know about the 12 principles of animation? Every animator should know these. Also do you know how to use the software. Over time I have had to learn photoshop, illustrator, indesign, premiere pro, after effects, flash just to do my job. These are the industry standard applications. Some artists may use others such as Procreate, but it is generally the same.

Also for abit of research I suggest you look at your favourite artists on Instagram. Have a look at their branding and their style.

If you are serious I suggest you look at your local college and see what they offer. The chances are they will place you on a level one art course, however it may just provide you with the baby steps you need.

I hope I didn’t come across as being rude. The media industry is a very unusual place. I originally wanted to go into television production mainly sitcoms, but I saw how hard the industry is and it put me off. Journalism has provided me with the stability needed.

I would also suggest you look at freelancing as a whole. Freelancing is something that is seen as an opportunity on the surface, however it comes with a certain amount of experience and knowledge. I wouldn’t even consider being a freelance journalist yet simply because I do not have a name for myself in the industry nor am I ready.

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Hi. Goals are so important. Even today I practiced my limited cookery skills in a cookery lesson. We then melted the chocolate, and washed the bowls. We also were very patient as well. I also read out a basic culinary recipe and looked for the supplies. It was fun. In the afternoon we worked on literacy and numeracy skills. We did word searches and so on. We also practiced other life skills like communication.

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Wow, I’ve got to say I am very impressed and congratulations with all of that cool stuff. I never thought once about you being arrogant or anything like that. I think it’s interesting and impressive. I love to hear about other people’s stories about their lives and experience with such things. It can motivate me and help me learn what life is like for others.
I have never done anything like what you’ve described. I’ve never won anything or gotten any GCSE’s or qualifications. I would like to do so.
Today I had a convo with mum about this stuff and she said “neither have I and I am way happier than you” and I said “yeah because you’re living the life or riley minus the pain and limitations” and I explained that what I meant by this was that she gets to sit around all day and be waited on hand and foot.
TBH I think she really did do well before she met my dad. She took part in quite a lot of activities, worked 2 jobs and then started up her own business, owned the home we previously lived in and rented it out to tenants and was going to give me that for when I was 21 so I could live there if I wanted to. She was also going to give me the business too but my dad made her lose everything. She had to sell the house because she was struggling so much after he left.
He also closed down her business which was situated above his own shop and then took away all our security system at the time.

I’m sorry to hear about your dad and having to look after your mum after. I’m assuming she didn’t work because your dad supported her by being a bin men?
Has becoming your mum’s carer meant that you had to give up your career?

I agree with you all that no job is crappy. It was only what other people have said. In my own mind I get that they are all important but I just meant that in the sense that there’d be no point in my giving up carer’s allowance for a more physical and demanding job that pays way less. Mum says I have the best life ever because She pays for everything whilst I earn money as a carer

Anyway

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LordJeramiah,
even a low paid job pays more than Carers Allowance!! You are also allowed to work part time for a few hours a week AND claim Carers Allowance.

At least doing this, you will have someone to give you a reference in the future when you see a job you really like/ a course you want to go on etc

This is her perception. It’s not yours.
You are too young to be stuck at home, sleeping the day way. You need to develop a life outside of home.

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I totally agree with Melly.
Yes how about some vol work Lord J? It would help you gain confidence and something in a charity shop would get you out, meeting people and hopefully gaining new skills. TBH being a carer is a total nightmare and you do deserve more as you are still young with many years ahead. The money you earn as a carer is a pittance frankly. I sadly do not think it will get any easier as your mother gets older, so you need to start taking baby steps NOW.

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Hello again, Lord Jeromiah. I have read through the replies from Helena, Melly, Chris, Pet and Bowlingbun, and I have little to add to those replies except to say that I entirely agree.

However I’d like to say a little ,more about the house where you live.

It was Bowlingbun who suggested that you could end up homeless. Do you not read the very words that you quote in your posts? And I can understand where Bowlingbun is coming from.

For a start, it is a very odd situation where you first say that mum owns the house, then your estranged father owns half. Which is it? Why should your Mum want to bequeath half her house to her husband when there has been no contact for years? I presume your Mum and Dad got divorced? And if your Dad does have an interest like this in the house, both he and your stepmother would have to die before your Mum for the house to become yours. It is a very odd situation and I suggest you follow Bowlingbun’s advice and try to find a bit more about the ownership of the house.

Even if the whole house were to eventually be bequeathed to you, do you think that would land you in a rose garden for the rest of your life? I think not. You have previously described the house as “a mansion”. My perception of this is that it is large, with several bedrooms, and severely run-down. The rats are bad enough,but just a small part of the problem you would face. You would need to cope with heating, maintenance and repairs, which cost money. All this on benefits?

Suppose your Mum’s condition deteriorated to the point where you could no longer care for her, and she had to go into a care home? She would need to fund her accommodation there, which could be as much as £1 000 per week. If she did not have sufficient funds in the bank, the house would need to be sold to cover the cost of her care. Your home would cease to be and your inheritance could be whittled down to nil in a few years. This is the scenario that Bowlingbun anticipates. You would have no claim for continued residence there because you are under 60. However, I presume your father is over 60. If he does have some legal claim to the house, then he could possibly prevent a sale by residing in it himself, and would control you just as your mother does at present. If on the other hand the house did need to be put up for sale this could take a considerable time. There is a big demand for three-bedroom-semi’s in good condition, but not for mansions in poor condition. You could be awaiting a sale for years - a long wait to get your life on course and benefit from the proceedings. You really need to find out the facts and think this through.

Regarding your Mum’s threat to “disinherit if you leave”, I think you could call her bluff. If you could get a place of your own but visit her suitably frequently so as to offer care, I don’t think that she would carry out her threat. On the basis of what you have told us, it is far from clear what you would inherit anyway.

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The reason I haven’t done it and looked for a gotten a job is because I’ve discussed it many a time with my mum and she won’t let me. She keeps on saying “and what about me? you have to look after me, you’re my 24/7 carer”
and
“you already have a full time job, you are my carer and actually get paid to do so” to which I remind her that the amount I get for that is not enough and we could do with extra income.

She does keep telling me, when I complain, or point out what a horrible existance I have been living because I can’t have a normal life, that “if you want to stop being my carer you have to ring up the benefits people and tell them you’re stopping being my carer and tell them to stop the money”

When we have these arguments she often keeps tell me “right well you’re free, you’re no longer my carer” but then proceeds to treat me as her carer and tells me to tell other people I’m her carer.

I told her it wouldn’t hurt for me to get extra income but she keeps saying it’ll take me away from being her carer so she confused the heck out of me. One minute she says I have a job and I’m her carer and complains if I speak of getting another job that takes me away from being her carer and the next she says I’m free and no longer her carer but then the whole thing is reset the next day and everything is back to normal. It really discourages me from doing any of that, for you see, I feel like if I reallly do stop being her carer but proceed to still live here that means she will make me feel bad about it and I will feel bad about not helping her knowing she needs help and techincally I am here to provide it but won’t because i’m not her official carer if I were to stop, in this scenario.

So in other words I do technically have a purpose in life, being my mum’s carer as I’m the only one left in her life and she refuses to get carers whether I leave or not. not my one and only purpose of course.
To me my purpose in life is writing these books and doing this art of Jeromiah and the characters. It feels like an important story to tell and not just some nothingness fancy.

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Sorry if I offended you and pet, but It does indeed seem that some jobs are crappier than others. I am not saying they aren’t important or necessarry but crappy usually depends on whether a job is degrading and with very little pay. waiter or cleaner works hard but gets paid very little money whilst footballers who just kick a football about gets paid millions doesn’t seem right to me. I am not belittling any jobs tbh. It’s just what I’ve grown up with others saying such as waiter, shelf stacker, burger flipper or mop at mcdonalds are crappy menial jobs with stupid little pay. IDK any different tbh, I always admired waiters from a young age and wanted to become one.
There was even a time I wanted to be a maid. I thought these jobs were actually pretty cool.
It was other people such as my mum and cousin who told me these jobs were such hard work that your back, legs would hurt and you’d be very very tired and it’s not worth it because the pay is very bad. Her knowledge on this is because her mother, my grandma was a waitress and she often complained of being exhausted stressed and in pain.
I didn’t want that for myself so they successfully put me off but only because I didn’t want to be in pain.
As for a secretary I didn’t mean to say it was a crappy job, heck my mum’s life goal was to become one and she worked hard to achieve that and managed to do it. People made fun of her for wanting to become a secretary and “not more”
so you see I’ve grown up with people belittling these jobs. Everybody did. It’s only now that you get shouted at for it as I’m being now. I’m only a product of my time. In my day we still had class and profession divides. People weren’t arsed about offending others in lesser positions.In fact, it seems only I have ever been told off for doing what many did and still do to this day.

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Well, LordJeromiah, since you don’t get up until 6pm each day - your Mum actually copes all day without you.

You have a choice - stay in the same situation as you are and nothing will change or do something about it. It’s up to you.

If your Mum is coercing you to stay and controlling you - then that’s domestic abuse for which you can seek support.

However, if you are using your Mum as an excuse, then the only person who can help you out of the situation is you.

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My mum and dad own the house as they bought it together it’s just that my dad left when I was 6 but still owns half, his own half that he put in when they bought it. Me and mum have lived in it ever since and I think he knows he’d be cheeky to still demand his half if sold, or demand that I move out so he can “deal with it” for me and sell it for me.
My mum reckons that if she dies that he will manipulate me into letting him take control by pretending to tell me what’s best for me by advising me that the best course of action would be to sell it for land and get it knocked down, so sell to developers/builders I suppose.
So if sold he would take half the money.
The most recent develoopements now is that my dad claims he is just going to give me his half anyway but I’m unsure if he means he’s handing his half over to me now or when he dies.
According to mum he doesn’t like her and doesn’t want her to benefit so she reckons he won’t give it to me now because she would benefit possibly and he does now want her to benefit in any way, hence why he’s never helped us over the years with repairs or other things we have needed. he knows if he gave us money or had the house repaired (he can afford it, he’s the rich one) that mum would benefit. So just because he wants mum to suffer, I have to suffer to, even though I AM NOT his primary target.

My mother has been abused by almost all her past partners and my dad was no different. I did not witness any of this, mum is just telling me now that for the last year of his residing with us in this house that he was an absolute nightmare and made her life a living hell. I have no idea about this and don’t recall any of it. Even as a 6 year old surely ii would’ve seen signs?
She claims my dad is dindictive and evil and even hires goons to do his dirty work for him.
We have had 2 burgleries one last year and one same time this year in march. She reckons my dad paid someone to do the job.
She also reckons that he was the one who got those girls to smash our car.
When I said this was unliekly she would always say “you don’t know your dad like I do, I know what he is capable of, and he hates me”.
And now she reckons that he’s only saying he will give his half to me in order to look like the good dad and hero to save the day.
She warns me not to trust my dad with any advice he gives me regarding the house after she leaves this mortal coil… She reckons he’ll manipulate me into leaving and let him deal with it and will have the house demolished. She absolutely does not want this as she loves the house so much that she doesn’t wanna see it developed on and she thinks he’ll do the dirty on me.

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TBH my mum sleeps all day as well and is up most all night but yes she said she gets her own cups of teas and heats them up but she claims she can’t cook, clean or make cups of teas because her breathing is bad and the doctor never gives her enough inhaler to last her so she said she needs to sit around to make sure she doesn’t get out of breath and start to panic.

as well as cooking, cleaning and making drinks, she cannot put the rubbish in the outdoor bins, put them out, lock and unlock the gate (which is down a long drive, she’d get out of puff or struggle with pain in legs and so forth) and she can’t go to the local shops to buy her cigs and can’t get them delivered. so no I’m not using her as an excuse. I used to think I was but when I think about it properly and even discuss it with mum she would point out all the stuff she can’t do.
But if you and Bun think I can leave guilt free then I’ll will do whatever I can to leave. But believe me, if I were to get up early on a day I am not going out, she’d expect me to do stuff for her and chores and she’d still not let me go out to work.
So my plan was to just wait for her to pass away, inherit, possibly sell the house, tell my dad where to get off if he tries to interfere and just take off somewhere without telling any of the so called family… When I got settled in a place I would 100% get a job! It’d probably be part time though because I don’t think I could handle full time like some people talk about working from 7 am to like 12 at night and no way could I do that because I get tired and my back gets achy and painful. I might work from home the rest of the time doing art and my writing. I’m going to offer my services on places like Fiverr.

That was my plan before october last year but now with all the help from you guys and encouragament I am going to try and move out before then and if mum wants to disinherit me then so be it and whoever she does leave the house to can deal with it because tbh I think it’s more trouble than it’s worth given the fact that it’s falling apart, full of mould and damp and suffering after a severe moth infestation in the living room. Everything is ruined by mould, damp, moths, rats.
We tried getting work done but usually they were cowboy builders and left it more of a mess than beforee and ripped mum off big time. She had to get 3 different builders to do the same work on it 3 times and all 3 ripped her off by doing half a job but taking all the money not to mention stealing a bunch of expensive items from our garage.
We don;t trust builders and workmen anymore.
It was every single one we hired, one was on drugs, and the rest wouldn’t even work for her. Mum was convinced somebody has black balled us.

My skin is a mess because of the horrendous conditions and tbh I think it’s my severe horrible eczema that makes me want to sleep a lot and not because I have no purpose in life. I think that’s bull. Believe it or not, being constantly itchy, stiff and in pain with flakey dry skin is exhausting and even makes me ache all over.
Before you and the others ask yes I’ve used every cream and treatment under the sun.
I’m convinced its the mould and damp because that’s all there is left.
I’m convinced that the treaments would work if I was living in better conditions.
I have every motivation to leave but unfortunately too scared that I will end up struggling or messing up somehow and end up in trouble.

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LJ
I wasn’t offended by your comments re crappy jobs. Just pointing out my own thoughts (was good to know others feel the same). How ever, many on higher paid work started out doing your so called menial work. University students take on work for various reasons. I have 4 adult grandchildren, 3 went to university,1 still attending. All have taken on extra work, in supermarkets , clothing store and my elder granddaughter learned about silver waitressing, nothing to do with what she was studying. All went on CVs . Felt good because they had some earnings to do as they wished, and to purchase small token gifts for family.
Even footballers as you say earn mega money had to start at the beginning, train very hard,and many did menial jobs before the career took off. I could go on about starting in the working world by taking baby steps, or juggling work and being a carer, parents etc. You will find some excuse not to agree.
You say your Mother sleeps all day too, so whilst she is sleeping, go out for a while, get some fresh air, make an appointment with your GP who will help with your skin problems.
Life is scary at times, most of us , in all probability have taken the risk of changing our lives in some way, learnt by mistakes, but best of all have tried. Im not saying it’s easy, but how good it feels to get past a hurdle.

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