Vermin control used to be a free service from the council, now they charge, but I’d definitely talk to them, explain the situation, and ask about charges that MUM should pay, not you!
Thanks for your honest appraisal of yourself. Most people are happy to travel on their own when they are still in their teens. Most people want to live in their own place, not be tied to the restrictions of living with parents, and are looking to move out when they are in their mid-twenties.
It seems that you have not ventured much further than the tobacconist and pet shop. It is time to widen your scope. You could venture as far as your Citizens’ Advice Bureau in the next intance. Find out about clubs and societies relevant to music and other hobbies you have. This way you would get to know other people. It is good that you have distant friends like Becky and Brad, but you need some local friends as well. Also see if you can find yourself some sort of job. Even a part-time job would be a good start. How about a paper round? This would get you travelling in a small way round your locality, and give you something to build on, towards travelling greater distances.
What about Vol work? Working in a charity shop for example, would help build up your confidence? They usually offer training. Baby Steps? My local library has a session once a week, where help is given to people searching for jobs. Worth investigating what is available in your area? Agree CAB is a good place to start. You only get ONE life Lord J…
1 Like
We all have to learn new skills, just start off very gradually, at a pace you are comfortable with.
Have a look in your local paper to see what is going on in your town.
Do you know how to read a map?
1 Like
Hello again, Lord Jeromiah. I was a little concerned to read the following, in your recent reply to OnTheVerge, in his post “My Caring Dilemma”.
I’m hoping my new posts will get 3 years worth of posts like yours did! I’d love to be able to vent as much as you did and feel like I’ve got as much support from the members on here.
So far my first post has been absent from new replies for many months and my newest post only got one reply. I see a lot of posts get several replies after only the next day passes.
The main purpose of this forum is to help people to overcome problems associated with caring. There is nothing wrong with occasionally letting off steam and having a rant. It can psychologically assist towards a better inner feeling that one is going to cope. Many of us do it on this forum.
However, to hope that your post will get ongoing replies for three years seems to me to at difference to the spirit of this forum.
What do you actually want from this forum? Help to turn your life to a better course? Or just the opportunity to sound off and create an active audience?
I have a mental picture of you 20 years from now. In your early 50s, Mum recently deceased. Never had a career or formal education. Never having experienced the joys of social interaction. Never broadened your horizons by travelling. No idea what to do with the rest of your life.
I don’t want this to happen. It is not too late for you to turn your life around now. Twenty years on it will be too late.
I don’t think that OnTheVerge intended that his post would last over three years. He has made efforts to improve his circumstances, particularly towards finding a home of his own. At present his activity is impeded by ill health.
You say that you are not getting many replies. Perhaps it would help if you indicated that you were willing to follow people’s suggestions. Also try to make your posts briefer and stick to one topic per post. We carers are busy people and many of us do not have the time or patience to plough through lengthy posts and try to identify the crucial points.
If you are more interested in “venting off” and exchanging personal events, you could consider one of the big social networking sites, like Facebook or Twitter. There you could join groups with common interests and hobbies. There are probably such groups near where you live. You appear to be nervous about going out and meeting people. If you made a few “online friends” in this way, and it would “break the ice”; you would feel easier about going out to meet them in person.
This is not a social forum; we maintain anonimity. Keep posting here by all means, but with the intention of sharing ideas about your caring role and improving your personal circumstances.
I asked a simple question. “Do you know how to read a map” but you didn’t reply?
Getting out your situation is possible, but you can’t wave a magic wand, wake up, and it’s all different.
You have to start making plans.
You need to look at the skills you need, and list them in order of priority.
Then think about other groups of things.
If you want to move house, you need to look at the costs of rooms, rent, insurance, deposit etc.
What equipment would you need?
Kettle, toaster, fridge?
Bed, duvet, pillows, mattress?
Where could you get them cheaply?
Freecycle? Local paper? Subsidised shops?
Then think about work. There will be lots of summer jobs in holiday areas. What sort of work could you do to start with?
What would you like to do?
If you don’t have English and Maths qualifications, that would be a good place to start.
What courses are available? Fees? Grants?
1 Like
Denis said: “Who is the boss in your household? You told a tale of Mum almost enslaving you, and fighting off the LEA to deprive you of an education - yet now you are telling Mum when she should or should not put out bird feed.”
sorry i still dont know how to use this whole quote things for small sections so I decided to just copy and paste your text for now until I learn how to do it properly.
Ok so this confused me. She didn’t enslave me back then when I was a kid per se. I found the whole being hounded by the LEA stressful because some busy body reported my mum and they got involved. They wanted proof mum was educating me as fervantly as a school was doing so she pushed me harder to do educational stuff that I didn’t really I want to do. I was the one who resisted it. But she had to provide them with proof so she pushed back. She was stressed because they were hounding her and I was stressed because she was pushing me to do things the LEA wanted to do so in my eyes the LEA were the evil villains. I just wanted to do my own thing.
As for the bird thing I told her to stop feeding the birds, she resisted it but then later on she told me that she did as I suggested and stop feeding the birds. I did not know this. She will often refuse to do something I ask/suggest her to do but then later I find out she actually did it! So to my face she resists and argues but then I find out she did as I said. It’s quite weird.
I have often told her I feel enslaved but she denies it.This is all very confusing to me as well as you guys.
In some ways she lets me have freedom but in other ways she makes it difficult
Ok just figured out how to quote! yay I want to section it up but don’t know how to do that yet, will keep trying until I get it right
Yes I realise that most people start travelling and becoming mentally independent from their parents by the time they are teenagers. When I was a kid and teen, all the kids I knew were already wandering the streets and hanging out with friends by 10 and travelling around longer distances by 16. They all girlfriends after girlfriends after girlfriends whilst I didn’t venture further than the garden. When I got my first group of friends at 10 and 11 I went with them to their part of the street (just further up from my house) and we’d play on their “estate” as it’s called.
Didn’t have that group for long because the main girl who was 13 moved away and I lost touch with the rest of them. Mainly coz they didn’t bother with me.
I finally started going for walks around the neighbourhood and neighbouring streets when I was 17 and 18 in the hopes of making friends with local peers but that didn’t happen.
The local kids have all disliked me since I was 10 to this day.
They used to call my mum a witch and then started calling me weird and strange.
They have made rumours about me and because of this, more kids and teens would come to our house to harass us and vandalise property and verbally abuse us.
Mum used to deal with them, but since she became disabled she stopped coming out to confront them.
I started doing it when I was 17. They never tried to actually get to know me and befriend me. Just branded me as weird. Some of them would talk to me and find I was quite nice and pleasant to talk to, but then they’d turn nasty and so I would often retaliate with aggression back until I was told they found it entertaining so I have since stopped.
I had to learn to control myself because the sound of teenagers yelling and banging things sends me into a adrenalin frenzy inside.
I now just barely feel that any more.
The harassment has ceased but if I see them when out and about, they still call me their nickname for me and start teasing me even though it’s not even the same teenagers.
Just a brief history of my attempt at socialising with me age peers. All the local kids and teens have always been horrible judgemental hooligans who never gave me a chance.
I’ve always gotten along better with older people from 30 onwards until recently. Now even my older neighbours who used to like me have stopped smiling and letting on. It’s all quite sad.
Older people used to like me and think I was really nice and sweet, lovely and intelligent. Now they seem to dislike me but instead of giving me verbal like teens do and did they just ignore me, don’t speak or smile to me.
I now fear that this is because I live in a cluttered house and still virtually under the thumb of mum and perhaps I am giving off what they call “low vibrational energy” or something.
They often say things don’t come to you if you have a cluttered house because there is no room for love. So perhaps people don’t “love” me because the clutter is taking over. IDK.
I’ll say this though, like ontheverge I am making little improvements. I have started decluttering and throwing stuff out. I’ve gotten rid of lots of bags of toys and clothes to charity and thrown out big things that are just taking up space. Unfortunetly no matter how much I get rid of the house still seems over-run by stuff.
Yeah I get that. I wanted an ongoing thread for myself because I just wanted the same sort of ongoing help and support and people to follow my progress as they did his. It endeared me to be honest.
I figured it would help me out more if I thought I had people watching and following my progress and helping me along my way. i should like to come back here and ask for frequent advice every step of the way because it does seem I need a lot of help.
For instance you guys keep telling me to do certain things and it blows my mind. I now realise that I seem to be severely stuck in my ways that I won’t even try anything new.
I feel like every little thing is daunting if it falls out of my usual routinely activities.
It scares me because I wonder if said ways i mention are not really serving me very well, at least not those things alone (such as just getting up late and doing all the stuff mum wants me to do like make brews, lots of them, make dinner, sandwiches, move this and that, eat, watch tv, do more brews, tidy the kitchen.)
Some improvements to my routine that seem positive: I’ve started doing my art every day again, my comics, practicing piano and I’ve even started learning the violin. I have bought and am reading a new self help book called “manifest, dive deeper” which seems to be helpful. I have gotten out of the habit of writing in my journal, meditating and writing my books thought. I was writing 3 books to one day publish and hopefully earn an income with. I am passionate about said books but for some reason I get out of the habit and just can’t get back into it again. Same with doing art, if I stop, I can’t seem to get back into the habit again, luckily I have managed to get back into that as it’s my main “vocation” and career of choice. Sadly I don’t get many commissions. One once a year if I’m lucky.
I’ve got patreon and do youtube on the side which I do earn a tiny tiny income off of.
My money is now building since mum allowed me to use her money to buy her cigs and groceries and she uses her own money now to pay mike the bird food man. She will not be persuaded to stop buying wild bird food and feeding the birds now. Unfortunately I may get my way sometimes but it’s always proven to be the wrong choice and discredits me in mum’s eyes and so she doesn’t listen to me again.
Anyway the good news is that my money is now finally building up and hopefully one day I’ll be able to rent a place!
So far the cheapest place I’ve found is 500 a month. Still too steep. Right now I have enough for only 3 months rent and that would leave me nothing for groceries, fridge, microwave, bed, washing machine and TV unless the rented place was fully furnished.
This shows why research is so important.
If you are on a low income you will probably be entitled to Housing Benefit. Find out about Council Tax and home insurance too.
LordJeromiah,
Re how to quote sections of posts:
Discourse New User Guide - users - Discourse Meta
Just search for quotes - top right hand corner.
You can repeat this for each section you want to comment on.
That’s so weird that just suddenly popped into my head a few hours ago and then I come on here and see this reply! I remember my friend becky number 1 suggested I go on housing benefit so I didn’t have to get a job yet. I want to continue to work on my home business and grow that. Hoping to make money ultimately from my stories, art and animations! It’s gonna be a whole franchise!
Thanks for reminding me anyway. I wonder if it popped into my head at the same time or just after you posted this?
Now I have one question: am I entitled to get housing benefit before or after I manage to get my own place? I have at least, just roughly under 3 months rent in savings but that’s if I don’t buy groceries or appliances I shall need.
I currently get carers allowance and income support plus a small revenue on youtube and patreon.
Thanks this is very helpful!
Oh I’d love to get a job but my schedule is rubbish… i have trouble getting up even after 12 hours. I pretty much go to bed at 7 to 9 am and wake up at 6 pm… I can’t seem to break out of this habit anymore. so unless I can get a night job I’d be screwed.
That plus mum won’t let me get a job. I’d tried speaking to her about it but she won’t hear of it. She just complains and says “you have a job: being my full time carer”. and if I just go behind her back and got a job anyway she’d moan I wasn’t around to help her (both physical practical help and also to keep her company at night).
However, I shall keep this stuff in mind for when I am in a position to get a job AKA when I finally move out into my own place.
So far I have searched on gumtree or something for places to rent in my area, and so far there’s only 2 options, which are stupid expensive.
Gosh, I do wish I could go back in time to live life over again from about 16 plus at least. If I could go back and change things I’d make sure I went to college, got a job, save up and move out by 18 to 20 before mum became disabled. I was so stupid as to think things would be the same forever and I could go on living at home being looked after by mum… I had no desire to struggle on my own. Mum used to say it’s easier and cheaper to live at home which further encouraged me to stay.
Yet she did encourage me to be a lawyer out of the blue one time even after just recently expressing how she expected to me become a nurse or carer when I grew up because of how much I loved the elderly and was helpful as a kid…
Like no, I used to express wanting to be rich and in power.
I’m the creative type so I’m not sure working in a charity shop would suit me. I have to be drawing, playing piano or stuff like that.
Currently forming my own animation business. I’ve started learning to animate so I can help out my fellow animators. Good news is I’ve finally gotten my pilot made! The pilot episode of Jeromiah’s story, the book I’m writing about Jeromiah’s life, the character, not my life… my life has been boring and rubbish, wouldn’t make a good story but Jeromiah’s story is awesome. He’s a handsome rich playboy from 1800. He married his scullery maid.
You need a sharp Reality Check!
You are heading very fast towards homelessness.
You have no qualifications, no work history, no proper sense of time, you are currently utterly unemployable.
You won’t be able to claim any benefits unless you spend all your day actively looking for work.
My eldest son is an engineer works for the council. Every third week he is on early shift. his alarm clock goes off at 4.30am. Come rain, shine, or even snow, he has to be at the depot 14 miles away by 5.45am.
He’d far rather be home tinkering with our vehicle collection, but he needs money to live.
He started an apprenticeship at 16, and has worked full time ever since, never claiming benefits.
I understand that your mum has serious mental health issues and didn’t bring you up very well, but now you are 18 that is irrelevant.
You need to start thinking very clearly about a future without mum, before she dies.
Otheriwise you will end up homeless, on the streets.
3 Likes
Lord J - I have to agree with BB. I left home at 16, and lived in a bedsit. I worked in Admin at my local VAT office, and I set 2 alarms to make sure I was in work on time! You do need to learn some self discipline. When I had the businesses and we ran courses at a hotel near Birmingham Airport, I was up mega early to make sure we got there in time to set everything up. Yes, it would be an adjustment and would not be easy initially, but it can be done.
With regard to working in a charity shop, why not? You would learn how to work a till, and build up relationships with the staff and it would help you find employment because it would give a reference. I do hand on heart, think you need to look for a counselor a safe place to chat through your options. Your GP might be able to refer you but there may well be a waiting list. My local Carers have a Counselling organisation that they can refer carers too - it might be worth investigating this if you have a local Caring organisation. Sadly I did not progress this, because for me getting out at the same time each week, given my husband’s medical issues is not viable right now. Please think about the suggestions BB and I and others too have given you.
Hi, I feel like I should say something because we are in somewhat similar situations.
I too am into art, animation and being creative. It was what my degree was in before I did my masters in English. The industry is hard and it is competitive so you need to be good, and you need to be on it. Not saying you’re not. Unfortunately it doesn’t happen overnight. It takes years of hard work, dedication and knowledge of the craft. Yes you see YouTubers get instant success but there are so many years of practice before that. A simple YouTube video takes knowledge of lighting, editing, mise en scene, an interesting topic, and personality. You don’t learn that overnight.
However expecting to get work straight away doesn’t happen really. I would say you need to consider other avenues first. Whilst I was in Uni I worked in a shoe shop, then during covid i worked on the deliveries at Asda 6 days a week. (I was still in uni) My dad was diagnosed with cancer then and i became his carer. I had to wake up at 2am every day during this time. It was hard but it was just something I had to do. I later lost that job as it was only temporary.
Then during 2021, I got a job at McDonald’s and two weeks later I was offered a job as journalist where I worked both three days a week before I was later offered full time as a journalist and have been there since. I haven’t turned back.
Throughout uni i practised my craft. I attended events at my uni and made friends with a local producer and bbc presenter who offered me lots of opportunities. I still see him all the time since his home town is where I work. I also say it because it shows it doesn’t happen quickly.
On the side I do make a few things, but they have never made much money. But I do it out of joy and love for the craft. It also helps to know that people appreciate my work.‘I also get it at work, if someone says thank you for an article or I see my work in a shop window it warms my heart because I know I have helped someone.
I have never been on benefits myself, but I have dealt with my mums. Look at your local council and find out what the Local Housing Allowance rate is for a single person. This is a good what UC will put towards the cost of rent, you can then look for somewhere in that budget but you can top up if you need to. Also consider the website spare room. It’s usually cheaper. There is little chance of a council house since the system has been inundated, but try to get yourself on the list anyway and in a few years you may be in a better position.
In the meantime try not to be focused on one thing and explore your options. It’s great you are creative but be realistic. If you are determined you will get there.
I did shift work for many years and so did hubby. It can play havoc with the body clock but has advantages. We had 2 children to care for too. Eventually through no fault of my own, had to work in an office. No computer skills and was very anxious. Took myself off to a basic computer course. Even though I say it myself I came on in leaps and bounds. When my husband died, I had to learn different skills, like sorting maintenance for the house garden etc. It can be done even when older.
I still use my little alarm clock not my phone, which was very inexpensive. I suggest you purchase one and gradually alter your body clock to sleeping at night and using the day to sort out your chances of a reasonable life.
My childhood was difficult. I understand yours was too. Don’t let it take way your chance of achievement.
3 Likes
Your mum did you no favour by withholding you from a school education. There is more to school than being taught life skills. It also involves social interaction. And that also applies to further education. As I have mentioned previously, you would do well to enrol on a college course of interest to you. You had a bad start in life but it is not too late to make amends.
It is not weird. I have observed this facet of human nature in others.
Thanks for clarifying, Lord Jeromiah. Just make sure that we see ongoing evidence that you are taking positive steps to try to improve your situation.