Mum won't accept Carers

Hello frustrated and :tired_face:
My mum is 91 and has always been really active until January this year,when she had a mini stroke and has short term memory loss.i can cope and encourage mum to tell stories of the past over and over ,but mum can’t remember if she has eaten or taken her tablets. I have arranged a carer for just 2 mornings a week at first with mums consent but the care starts tomorrow and mum now says she doesn’t want anyone coming in.i am going to be there but in the background I want my mum to keep her independence and have tried to explain that the carer won’t take over and one minute mum agrees and the next she doesn’t. Do I just wait and see what happens I would like to increase care not cancel coming up 70 myself

Hi Denise,

definitely go ahead with the care visit as planned. Being nervous about it is natural and we all take time to get used to change. Also, accepting care visits means your Mum recognising that she needs help.

Being there in the background is a good idea, to begin with.

It might be worth compiling a list of things your Mum is happy for the care worker to do, and sticking that up in kitchen or whatever so they aren’t short of things to do.


Sorry to hear about your mum.
Mine has had many TIA strokes.

There will be many issues for your mum, pride, dependence, denial of debilitations, acceptance of them, worry about how to manage the carers, if she doesn’t like them, doesn’t get on with them, what will they think of her, is it the beginning of the end for her and more. Then there is the intimacy, they are being part of her private home and life and if they are helping her to wash/bathe, that is a lot to take on board for her, strangers at that.

A stroke is disorientating and debilitating in many ways and it has it’s frustrations.
As the stroke unit/clinic will have informed you cognitive skills can be impaired, my mother sometimes says the opposite of what she wants to say eg no instead of yes. Dysphagia, it takes a while to understand what is being told to process it and to find the words and formulate an answer, also short term memory can be affected, this all knocks the confidence sideways for a while.

You mum is probably in fear of the unknown and feeling very self conscious about having a carer.
Have the carer come, you mum will find she has a fresh face and conversation to look forward to.

Have you got power of attorney POA for your mum?
Do both if not, via the Gov.UK website it is easy and ignore the part on the form to inform anyone you are doing it, that’s not necessary. This means you can do banking on her behalf etc if she is physically incapacitated to do so herself.

Whether or not mum WANTS carers, she NEEDS carers.
You need them too. Someone to do the jobs a 91 year old struggles with, cleaning the bathroom, changing the beds, preparing food. There is no shame in that. If the carer starts gently doing these domestic jobs, and sneaking in a cuppa with tablets mum should accept her better. Especially if the carer does the cleaning gently so doesn’t make mum feel her place wasn’t clean enough and feel insulted. My mum refused carers for years but then enjoyed having other women to chat to!

Hi Denise

As a forum ambassador I wanted to welcome you to the forum and highlight a couple of different options for connecting with others and for getting support from Carers UK should you need it.

Carers UK run online weekly meet ups for carers to take some time for themselves and chat to other carers. Feel free to join if you’d like to and there’s no pressure to share anything you don’t want to. I’m sure you’ll find many other carers are in a similar situation to yourself.

You can find information on how to register to our online meetups at the following pages:

Care for a Cuppa: Online meetups | Carers UK - the next online meet up is tomorrow, 15.00-16.00 with further sessions shown in that link. This social is a great way to have a little break if you are able to and spend some quality time talking to people who understand what you are going through right now.

Share and Learn: Share and Learn | Carers UK - these sessions range from creative writing activities to beginners Latin dance sessions.

I suggest you also get in touch with the Carers UK helpline to discussion your situation and what support is available

The Carers UK Telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email ( They can help provide support and guidance on:

  • Benefits and financial support
  • Your rights as a carer in the workplace
  • Carers’ assessments and how to get support in your caring role
  • Services available to carers and the people you care for
  • How to complain effectively and challenge decisions.