The time has come for my 93 year old fiercely independent mum to be cared for in a home. My mum refuses and says I am trying to get rid of her. We are at a stale mate now and I really dont know what to do.
Mum has cataracts, is very hard of hearing, has been housebound for 3 years and is very frail (she ‘manages’ with a walker. She has private carers for an hour every morning to make her breakfast, give her medication and tidy up.
Recently (since January) my mum has started calling me or my sister at the same time every afternoon saying either:
the tv is not working can I go over and sort it,
the fire is not working can I go over and put it on
the microwave is not working can i go over and put it on
she pulls the plug out of the socket for the kettle and says her hands cant grip to put it back in so can I go over
She said a man was in her house and her keys indoor went missing (she has a key safe outside for the carers). I changed the locks to be on the safe side and her keys then appeared from nowhere …
My sister and I both work but have been going over each day to ‘fix’ these things. We have noticed though that the first thing she says when we walk in is ‘make me a drink and something to eat’. It looks like she has stopped getting out of her chair and making herself a drink or food and is waiting for my sister or I to do it when we go and ‘fix’ whatever that days problem is.
One day she said she couldnt see at all so could i go over. my sister called the doctor who sent an ambulance as he thought it was a stroke! Mum should have received an oscar for her performance for them - she was singing, putting her legs up, saying she was well and she could see. The next day I had the phone call saying she cant see can I go over. The ambulance people and the doctor have tried telling her she cant manage on her own but she ‘forgets’ these conversations.
We have had mum assessed and she does not have dementia, although she is very forgetful, asks the same things over again and we find things in odd places which she blames on someone else. She doesnt get dressed in the morning and wears the same nightie for over a week. She wont let anyone take it off and always says she will have a strip wash later. She has had blood tests and they are as expected for someone her age - low kidney function, heart function, needs iron etc.
We have been telling her she needs extra care now and we are asking her to go and spend a couple of weeks in a home to ‘build her strength’ and see how she likes it. She is accusing us of trying to get rid of her, says she never bothers us and is managing. I tell her she is managing because we are enabling her to manage but she changes the subject. I am telling her she will end up in hospital soon to try and get her to agree to leave but its not working.
She will be self funding and has approx £170,000 in savings and her house is worth £100,000 so social services wont be involved. She is trying to give us money but I tell her its too late now, she has to keep it for her care. She cant get out the house - shes too frail to manage the steps and has refused outings etc and has done for 3 years she ‘doesnt want neighbours to see her’. She is massively stubborn. My sister and I are going to stop running to her each day she rings but it seems really cruel. Is this the only way we can get her to see that a care home really is the best option for her. Its becoming unmanageable now as my sister lives in another county and I have had health issues myself this past year and am still recovering and we both work full time.
Sorry this is very long winded but any advice would be really appreciated. I have found a lovely care home for her but she just wont budge! Thank you.