Hi everyone. As some of you know my mum coming up to 93 is a covert narcissist which I have just found out as of last June. She is widowed for coming on 10 years. Has severe anxiety/fear especially at night. She has had 4 carers a day which were not enough and she was craving people there al, the time. Panic attacks the lot. She started having falls and has been in hospital since middle of Feb with fractures although we did have 2 unsafe discharges which ended up with the last fracture. So will be leaving hospital for a 6 week assessment of care stay. But I canāt see her returning home. She has no other big health issues so potentially be here till 100. So her house will go for the fees
I have been low contact for last few months not going to hospital on advice of other family as she is so horrid with them they know it will be 100 times worse for me. I have got the things she will need at the home all ready to take over. I am extremely tense about going and taking them. Do I ask the home if the staff could sort them for me. Iāve got a few things I know she will want like the cushion with Dads photo on it her other pictures of family. Even her photo albums of my boys when young as she likes that. However I know all I will get is moans groans and criticism. I would ask my cousin to come with me but her mum died last year after moves between 3 care homes so not good to revisit that situation and on top of that she is being referred urgent for stomach or oesophageal cancer. Hubby wonāt come with me as he has no time for mum and would likely try to strangle her. Finding it all a bit emotional Iām sure there are sage words and advice from this amazing forum. Itās got me through since last year
Thank you for letting me get it out my head to non family
@Knitfi This was me last year. You know it is the right thing to do, and probably mum does too deep down. It wonāt be easy and nothing you do will be right or enough - believe me I know! My advice is to do as little as possible, apart from taking in the things your mum needs around her to keep her comfortable. Care home staff can help her sort it all out and arrange it, you pay them enough! Be prepared again for not being good enough and for being blamed for āputtingā your Mum in there. I took six bags of clothes in for Mum on Friday, after getting repeated messages through other people that she wanted her summer clothes. All she could say was āarenāt there any coats, Iāve only got oneā. The Home doesnāt organise any trips out for residents, Iām not sure why, so she only needs one light coat to potter around the garden in! She also said one of her friends had phoned her and told her I had written and instructed all her friends not to phone. I just said āthatās bull**it Mum and you know it isā and walked away.
Be strong, follow your boundaries and know that she is being cared for. You have done enough. We are all here to hold your hand through it.
@Knitfi good afternoon , Iām sorry you are so stressed.you do what you feel is right for you. You have got all her things together whether you just take them and leave them for the staff to sort out or you give them to her. You know what she is like. Jayne above like she has said has been where you are last year And I think what she has wrote is a very good reply. All I can say is if my mum treated me like that I think I would just leave the things there. My mum was never like this to me she was an amazing mum.i would leave a note on the other forum that you have put this post here if you havenāt so people know itās here. Please take care ,thinking of you keep into touch.
@Knitfi nothing more to say over what Jayney has said, apart from donāt forget we are there with you, on your shoulder, cheering you on to minimise contact with your Mum. Youāve done so well, keep going!
@Knitfi ā¦.I think maybe you should just drop the clothes off and avoid seeing mum if you can. Itās so important to protect your own mental health. I spent 5 months visiting my estranged husband in hospital every night and listening to him complain and moan about everything, nothing was good enough and it was mentally draining and so hard. It took me a long time to start to put myself first and I think you need to do that as much as you can. Sending hugs your way.
Thank you my super troupers as I will now call you. Mmm now thereās an idea anyone fancy putting on some tight and bright costumes I feel a song coming on!
There is one part of my brain that is wanting to see the home and saying you can do it you will be fine. Another is saying well look here if you are really truthful do you want to see her. The good girl says yes the other says absolutely NOT. I will definitely speak to manager about the true mum I get and who she will be lovely old lady for you at times others not.
@Knitfi are you going to have us all singing abba. I understand the dilemma. This is only a suggestion you know your mum , Iām not saying what to do I donāt want you to be very hurt. Not going wishing you had. Going her being terrible to you , and you all hurt and upset wishing you had not gone. I can see the latter happening with how you have told me she is with you,and she could be waiting for you to go to have a go at. and on top of that sheās going to a new place ,with new staff. Saying the other day in the hospital that she wanted to go there. Well what about now sheās there and if it isnāt how she wants, if things donāt suit her. Without speaking out of turn who is going to get it . You. You say you want to see the place. Why donāt you just take the things in and have a word with the manager like you said you want to do.and then come away and see what happens she has just gone in she could be even worse to you if things donāt suit her. So you could leave it and see what happens. Keep in touch with the manager. Now if you ever decide to go I would say to the manager when I come I want a member of your staff with me, or you take someone with you. I maybe wrong but from the things Iāve read people like that are never usually like it to people when they are not on there own. So if you ever go and see your mum you must not see her on your own.so you have a witness to her behaviour and they see it to. Would she show herself up in front of other people to be not nice to you. I hope Iāve not spoken out of turn I havenāt meant to do. Just donāt want you shouting at.you have been through enough and being all upset. Now itās time for you to be kind to yourself.
You donāt have to be the āgood girlā any more.
In truth, arenāt you the abused daughter, and mum the abuser?
You do NOT have to do what mum wants any more, because whatever you do wonāt be enough, or quite right. Iām sure you would have preferred to have a different, normal mum who would take you out, laugh, joke, be happy? I was always envious of the relationship between my mum in law and sister in law, going shopping together, night classes to learn to ice cakes really well. Happily they realised how much I loved my husband and was included in everything.
At least you still live near enough to take her stuff into the home, but thereās nothing anywhere that says you must do that, at all.
You havenāt offended me at all. Itās all very true. The fight as @bowlingbun says that Iām having with myself as what to do is the old reactive thought process. Itās just difficult to shrug it off. But with you guys behind me I will manage
@Knitfi BIG hugs hon, Iām totally with everyone - do absolute minimum, like handover stuff to the staffā¦
Unfortunately, old thought processes are hard to just āturn offā - but itās good youāre aware of them and not denying them - they get worse otherwise. Weāre all with you, so just keep venting-talking here and weāll keep you focused on your health & sanity!!
Hello, Knitfi. Teddybearās last post had many good ideas. She is your mum, after all. Do go along to the care home when the time comes. Make yourself known to the staff. Hand belongings to the staff and visit Mum in her room. Play it by ear a bit over how much you arrange Mumās room. The staff may guide on this. At least, familiarise yourself with the place.
It is a good idea if someone can go with you. If Mum becomes abusive you can just walk out. At least you have offered Mum the chance to be civil.
@Denis_1610 Good morning ,I didnāt say to visit mum in her room .i said like she said to take the belongings to the care home have a chat with the manager like Knifti has said. Then come away and leave it and then see how things go for her in the care home, but make sure someone is always with her if she did ever decide to visit or member of staff with her. Knitfi mum has put her through so much and all she has been is kind, helpful , supportive.
@Knitfi hey knitfi, I hope that you are ok ,thinking of you. Iām glad I donāt work in that care home. Remember weāre all here for you. Take care of yourself.
Afternoon. This morning has been cutting down how much clothes to take to begin with and trying to get everything in together. Gave up on the box idea. Dragged out the loft our big hold-all I take when we go away to a cottage for a week. Got everything in apart from toiletries those are in a separate small gym bag. Hubby will need to carry it in for me so heavy. This will tell you how I feel about our relationship. I will now purchase a new large holdall as just looking at it after Iāve used it for her things will take me into heart palpitations and anxiety. Thatās how blinking much I canāt take the reminders of what she has put me through. @Teddybear thanks for you for getting Dennis in the picture I donāt think I could have.
So all being well she should get taken to the home tomorrow around 10. Also had a call to say she has been moved again. Itās the medical assessment ward so busy busy. She wonāt like that at all.
@Knitfi Cyber hugs. I do think it is the best and safest option for her and for your whole family. Your health matters too. I can understand hospital being mega stressful and really hope that she will adjust to the Care Home. I realise you may not feel able to visit initially depending on her behaviour but you have gone the extra mile from your posts. Thinking of you. I also agree with the otherās take someone supportive with you if you feel eventually you have to go and if she plays up, delay the next visit xx
@Knitfi you are doing brilliantly remember that. The holders packed with her things .hubby going to help you carry them in thatās good he is with you, then you can have a chat with the manager like you said then she will know all you have been through. And buy a nice new holder for a nice trip to a cottage for you and your hubby.So all being well she is going to the home tomorrow, when are you taking her things today or tomorrow They have moved her to medical assessment ward Iāve not seen that happen before. They just kick me out still Iāll. perhaps with all what has gone on in the past that is why they have took her there, no she wonāt like it cos she wonāt be able to tell them what to do. Itās ok he did not mean any harm I think he just read the question wrong. Didnāt know all you been through. Just keep calm now soon be over and hubby going to come and carry the other bag, think of nice things Hamish ,your grandchildren. Take care.
I feel your pain. Mum insisted I took in her entire wardrobe despite the fact that she was bed bound and never left her room to mingle with other home residents! Maybe you should take them all in then
A) You will never have to see them again.
B) The care home staff can support mum to choose (that will be fun for them!).
Consider Option A for everything from now on.
I am determined not to leave my eldest son a load of āstuffā to sort through. Thereās a lot on Facebook about decluttering and why you hold onto things for sentimental reasons. I give it to either the hospice shop or New Forest to Ukraine to ease my conscience!
Hi Knitfi. I am Kristie i am an online community host for Carers UK. Welcome to the Forum. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment are you getting any extra outside support? I know it might not feel the same but the Forum has a number of Carers from all walks of life who understand what you are going through and are happy to support you and share their experience. There is also a phone number for Carers UK where the team are happy for you to get their advice if you need help then do not hesitate to give them a ring. The number is on this website. Once again welcome to the Forum. Kristie.
keep into touch.