It’s also a lie!
They have to ensure it is somewhere local which meets her needs, with carer support!
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@bowlingbun My feelings too. I worry once she is allowed home it wont be easy or quick to get her out. Having carers in is mega disruptive.
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They just want to get their bed back, and will make all sorts of promises and threats, some of the staff I met were terrible when mum was very ill. Promises of physio visits as soon as she was discharged never ever happened, the promised air mattress came weeks later, no one arranged to fit it. I was told it was the job of a District Nurse, waited an hour at the surgery just to speak to her. When she finally went to mum’s house it wasn’t the correct mattress anyhow so then we had to go through it all a second time!!! No night service in my area, so only cover for about 12-14 hours. After 8pm, nothing.
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@bowlingbun and @Alison_1970 are right, they just want the bed back. If mum comes home it won’t be a priority for social services to do a care assessment. Also the carers will stop after the evening visit and then it’s all on you. As hard as it is you need to call their bluff, you can’t be forced to care for mum and they can’t put her in a hostel! This must be so tough on you, sending lots of hugs your way.
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Time to write to the hospital CEO, head the letter POTENTIAL UNSAFE DISCHARGE - FORMAL COMPLAINT. Explain clearly but as briefly as possible why she cannot come back to your home.
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@Mumof2 I know it is hard for you right now but from reading posts on here, Adult Social Care and the NHS do not ‘play fair’. Once your mother is home with you they may deem her ‘safe’ and you will have to fight to get them out and then to get help in place. It really IS worth putting in a complaint and stressing that without YOU providing care she will be a ‘vulnerable adult’ and that they have a ‘duty of care’.
I do know how hard it is when your loyalties are torn but you need to keep your job for your financial stability plus you have your children’s needs to take into account.
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A question…if your mum needs an assessment, how come they’ve already decided what care package she needs and that it won’t change despite the assessment not being done?
Legally, they’re correct that the usual approach is to assess at home after discharge (this was brought in by the Johnson government, I think), but the fact is that three calls a day implies that you will be forced into a position where you have to provide care. That is NOT legal.
Carers have the right to choose not to care. Having told them in writing, they MUST ensure that whatever package of care is in place prevents you having to provide care at all. Three calls a day won’t do that.
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Well you will never guess it, but she is home! Mum rang me a couple of times but i couldn’t answer at work. then i see on the doorbell, her getting dropped off! arrived by hospital transport. 
. don’t believe it. she had CDIFF on her ward you so i’m really stressing she has brought it home! I’ll deff have to go down the care assessment route now
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@Mumof2 This sounds like a dangerous discharge. TBH if she went into hospital again, I would change the locks and then write to the CEO and TELL THEM that if they do another Dangerous Discharge your mother will have to sit on the doorstep. Harsh I know but this is disgusting. Especially as you have children and she potential may have CDIFF.
Similar thing happened with my husband a couple of years ago. I was in contact after a lot of effort with the Ward and they promised not to discharge him without speaking to me first as I had no idea what had caused the dreadful diahorria and he had been on a drip. But yes I got a call saying he was waiting for his medication and being discharged. I eventually got through to a Doctor and complained and in fairness they offered to keep him for a few days but by then he was ready and would have discharged himself anyway.
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Definitely write a strongly worded complaint to the CEO of the hospital entitled Unsafe Discharge.
They need to know what is going on in their hospital.
(Maybe another forum member can do a link to the official discharge procedure?)
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I’ll be writing a complaint for sure. the carers are rubbish too! only coming twice a day now and can be here between 7am-11am in the morning?! Mum can’t get downstairs by herself so she could be waiting for ages! Although Mum is surprising me and actually moving around a little bit more than i expected. But i think it’s all a show as she doesn’t want carers. it’s so sad as i’m back to being miserable and sad now she is home
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@Mumof2 were the carers arranged by the hospital social services or the borough adult services?
I often find the hospital organised ones to be more of a nuisance than a help, unfortunately the adult services are horribly understaffed across the UK, my advice is to not just get a carers assessment but a assessment for your mother as well, as both are different things.
The behaviour of cakes and sweets after your dad passing, in all honesty sounds like depression, I won’t lie and say that this will be a speedy process, all I can say is that the person who shouts the loudest gets heard the most, so don’t stop calling them etc, if your not happy with the carers they can provide you with another one. Always be very open with what your mother’s needs are as there is always the possibility that she may downplay her actual needs (I have a a similar issue with a neighbour). What will likely happen is that they will find a package that works, set up a direct payment where you manage the invoices etc, if your not happy with that make sure you make them aware. You can always ask to speak to a manager or even the head of the service for Adult’s services, don’t be afraid to take things higher if it’s not working out for you.
Also there is the option of a care home for your mother, Adult’s will try to avoid it as it costs them but they have to do what is best, I would keep mentioning that you have your own responsibilities, what with the children etc, as well and that it effects them as well.
I will say that you are doing remarkably well though, sticking to your guns and saying no, this is what’s needed, take some pride in that as many people won’t stand up to services and you’ve already done this for many years, do take care of yourself as well and feel free to ask questions, I’ll happily give what advice I can.
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Also, make sure from now on mum pays her way in full!
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@Mumof2 I think this is the one information @bowlingbun is referring to:
It also gives information on complaints procedures.
As @Charlesh47 says the discharge to assess system (sending people home and then assessing for equipment and care afterwards) was introduced during the pandemic. Unfortunately and scarily, it then became the norm.
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They are hospital organised carers. My mum has managed to convince them she doesn’t want the evening ones anymore either so they only coming mornings monday-friday. I honestly give up with her i keep telling her she needs to keep all the help she has been given and pretend i’m not there. She is not waiting for the carers to get her down the stairs in the morning, and when i try put her to bed when im going to bed she refuses as she is still watching telly so i just leave her. So she is not using her oxygen up and down the stairs like she is supposed to because she can’t carry it so her oxygen drops to low levels. I think she is definitely depressed too, i don’t really think she has been completely happy living with me either as our relationship hasn’t been great. I would ideally like her to be in a home, even though mum doesn’t want that, but will take all pressure from me. I’ll keep trying my best pushing the social
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Absolutely agree—you have every right to set boundaries, especially when you’ve already been giving so much of yourself. Caring for someone is hard enough without added guilt or judgment from others, especially when it’s secondhand and possibly twisted. It’s okay to say enough and ask for support.
Your well-being matters too, and it’s not selfish to protect your energy. If you’re looking for some support or just a place to sort through all the feelings that come with caregiving, You’re doing more than enough—be kind to yourself.
Link removed by moderator
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When anyone comments about what you are, or not, doing, it’s important to think about their motives. They’re “too busy”? No, they don’t want their own lives disturbed. In other words, selfish!
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Yes exactly that. I have to remember everyone saying out of order because I don’t want to do it anymore, probably wouldn’t do it themselves. My mum came home Thursday and My sister has gone on holiday! Just proves my point really she doesn’t have to worry about no one she just does what she wants while i have to consider Mum
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I always say that family who won’t care for a relative forfeit the right to say what happens to an elderly or disabled relative.
Caring needs to be a balance between your needs and their needs.
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Hi, your situation with mum is just what we had to deal with last September. The care part I mean. My mother went into hospital with pneumonia and UTI. We were persuaded to being her home after a week, BIG MISTAKE. We could not get care, mum was now bed bound with all her ailments, dementia , Addisons , lymphoedema. Next hospital admission was 2/01/2025, this time we refused to have her home till we had care set up. I had said I can’t do it myself.
We got a care package. A profile hospital bed, an air flow mattress and a commode.
Mum is bed bound, carers have to do all her care on the bed. But that only happened as I refused to have her home till things were sorted. Stick to your guns. Our position took 35 days to get sorted. Now we have a care package of £100 a week. , paid from mums pension. But I still care the rest of the hours of the day, and it’s exhausting, how you’re doing it with children and husband I don’t know, but I admire you for it.
My only me time is my hour long dog walk at dawn. Just me and my dogs, my worst mistake was being persuaded by my sister to get a monitor alarm , I spend half the night listening to mum snoring in her bed downstairs. I thrive on 3-4 hours sleep a night.
Do stick it out. It’s hard, and I know what you’re having to do. I am 65, you’re much younger.
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