Mum lives with me but my life has stopped

Just asking for some help and advice as not sure what to do. 7 months ago I brought my mum over to the UK as she was living overseas with little support around her. She didn’t want to move but all her family are in the UK and she didn’t have enough care or support where she was. I brought her over on the basis that we could sort out accommodation locally and get her some care and me and my husband would regularly visit her and take her out aswell. She is 87. The idea was initially she would move in with us which she did and was relatively happy. When she came over it became more and more obvious her memory is poor both short and long term and she could not carry out many day to day functions herself. She needs help with tablets, cooking, showering and use of phone and TV controller amongst other things. Therefore she could.not live alone, she is alot worse than I knew and her carers had said she needs alot more help. What I also realised when she moved in was that she has severe anxiety and because of this my husband and I haven’t been able to go.out even once on our own without taking her with us which is ok on occasion but not every day. We have no time alone. My only sibling is very ill so cannot help. My mum just wants me and will also.follow me around the house and keep checking where I am. We have a health visitor doing assessments and she has said situation is impossible as it stands and need to look at residential care or assisted living. My mum won’t talk about it. We took her to.see local care home 5 mins from us so we can see her regularly, it is a lovely place but she is not happy with any options. I have told her that for my own mental health I cannot cope as it’s all too much. If anyone could tell me their thoughts it would be so helpful thank you

Hi Margaret, and welcome to the forum.

While your Mum has the mental capacity to make decisions about where she lives, you’re a bit stuck. The big question is does she actually have the mental capacity?

From what you’re saying, there are some reasons to doubt it - especially the fact that she’s following you around for reassurance all the time.

The fact is, though, that she’s undergone a major upheaval and that’s going to be affecting her still. It can take a year or so for people to settle in, and some of that may be part of the problem right now.

I suggest you talk to the Health Visitor about a mental capacity assessment. If she can’t go through the process of decision making, which is possible, then you can make a Best Interests Decision with the help of the Health Visitor to move her to suitable accommodation.

Here’s a link that explains it: Mental Capacity Act 2005 at a glance | SCIE.

Living with you full time was never an option given to her, it was always temporary, so the longer you leave it before mum moves out, the worse it’s going to be.
She needs to move out asap, but where?
Your husband needs to take a clear lead on this, that it’s his home, fine to have her stay for a day or two, but she must move out now. I know it’s not going to be “nice” but then your life has stopped, that’s not nice either.

However, first you need to understand exactly what her financial position is. I’m worried this may be a “can of worms” but it has to be addressed before anything can be sorted properly.

As she was originally a UK resident, does she receive a pension?
Or a pension from anywhere else?
Does she qualify for Attendance Allowance?
Do you have Power of Attorney?
Does she share her financial situation with you?
Can she be trusted to manage her day to day money?

Dear margaret_2204123
Hi. Im Kristie a volunteer online community host at Carers UK. I hope that the information i give to you will help you and also that fellow carers on the forum can help you with your problems too.
So welcome to the forum! You are not alone in your caring role and i am sure that many on here will understand exactly how you feel and will offer you support. Caring can be very lonely and the pandemic has made caring responsibilities challenging as many carers have been socially restricted and unable to attend social groups etc.
Carers UK are running two online weekly meet ups for carers and you can find the information on how to register at Care For A Cuppa:-Online meetups | Carers UK. The second online weekly meet up is called Share And Learn:-Share and Learn | Carers UK.
Our telephone number is 0808 808 7777 and is open from Monday to Friday between the hours of 9am-6pm. There is also an email address which is (
They provide information and guidance to unpaid carers. This covers:-
-Benefits And Financial Support
-Your Rights As A Carer In The Workplace
-Carers Assessments And How To Get Support In Your Caring Role
-Services Available To Carers And The People You Care For
-How To Complain Effectively And Challenge Decisions.
Best Wishes