Melly has suggested I start a new thread so hope I am doing this correctly.
Basically my mother is 85 and it has always been a difficult relationship but I am an only child. She lives 2 hours away and I do not drive and am the Carer of my mega difficult 85 year old medically non compliant husband. She had a twisted bowel back in 2022 and nearly died. Her neighbour is very good and it would appear she is taking on more and more duties. My mother was due to come down a couple of weeks ago but cancelled due to feeling ill. She is very deaf so talking on the phone is frankly a nightmare made even worse by my husband not knowing that I speak to her once a week on my mobile from the street.
She has had various falls and the neighbour managed to get the GP out and he thought she had cracked a rib. He expedited an SS assessment but sadly they did not turn up and number given did not take messages or answer calls. Neighbour has now phoned surgery and asked them to chase. Neighbour is on holiday for 3 weeks and has arrange private carers starting on 24th - she goes away on 21st - 3 times a week for an hour.
Basically I had assumed that since my neighbour is ‘next of kin’ that she had POA - my mother told me she had but she gets very confused. Eileen says she has not got this BUT she feels this does need to be implemented. Also she is worried that my mother is not going to disclose all of her savings as she does not understand benefits and when Eileen asks she gets told to ‘mind her own business’. My mother lives alone in a rented house.
There is NO way I can take on POA partially due to the distance but also due to the fact that my husband does not know that I have any contact with my mother. I am not sure if my mother has got the ‘Mental Capacity’ now to even appoint a POA. I am trying to support Eileen but disengage which frankly is hard. But neither my mother nor Eileen have my landline although Eileen can text via my mobile which is always switched off.
I am really just wondering about the best way forward. I would hope that the SS assessment when it happens, would give my mother some help? I also feel dreadfully guilty that Eileen seems to be seriously worried about Jill and do not want it to spoil her holiday. Frankly respite care would have been a good option, but no way would Jill accept this.
Thanks for reading. Eileen is a retired nurse and sensible. I can totally understand if she does not want POA as I would not in her position. My mother has made a will and has a funeral plan. No way can I get to see her as I would not dare leave husband on his own and I also have the cats one of whom needs medication twice a day. Also I have not had a good relationship with my mother over the years and she was never there for me when I needed her.
I basically want to know what happens if SS go down the ‘Safeguarding Route’. I wonder if anyone else has been in this position? I guess the ‘court of protection’ would become involved which would take all of my mothers savings anyway. So the best option, would be for her to spend these on care at home? She is very anti a home or sheltered accomodation.
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Hi Hon @selinakylie
Slight tangent but this may help - On my action list is to give LPA to my solicitor with explicit instructions of what I want, so they act on my behalf. Mum can’t do things and I don’t want any family/friends to make decisions for me
https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/power-of-attorney/#if
Eileen could ask for a solicitor to help?!? or do it online but if your Mum’s mental capacity is reduced then deputy via Court of protection?
I’m sorry this is such a stress and worry for you!
I just read your other message…I don’t know how much time Eileen has before her holiday but maybe if she doesn’t think your Mum will understand/sign/do an LPA then maybe court of protection is best - I’ve no idea of that process…perhaps @Charlesh47 can help given his experience
@Victoria_1806 Thank you . I honestly thought Eileen had POA and only found out she had not yesterday.
Eileen goes away on 21st but her daughter is coming over the weekend and the Carers start on 24th 3 x a week. I think we will ‘hold fire’ and hope that she can get through Eileen’s holiday. SS are being chased via the GP Surgery. I will suggest Eileen consider taking Jill to her Solicitor - she has one because her husband divorced her a couple of years ago. That may be a way forward. I have no idea when the SS assessment will take place or what it will offer. I know the ‘Court of Protection’ route is mega expensive as it looked like that was the way forward with my late father but he died before it came to that. I know SS generally are reluctant to go down that route but if my mother does not have Mental Capacity then it may be the only viable option. Hopefully a solicitor could at least guide Eileen.
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@selinakylie Sounds like the best plan possible. I don’t think trying to do something before 21st is worth the stress. It’s good she has a solicitor at least, otherwise trying to find one would be a whole new headache!
Take care of yourself xo
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Selinakylie, in Hampshire there is a Client Affairs Team who would manage M’s affairs if I couldn’t, and if necessary apply for Deputyship. You could look at mum’s LA website to see exactly how they operate, anonymously. If mum had a Best Interests meeting to decide where she could be moved to, they would place mum in an appropriate home and involve the CAT.
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@bowlingbun I have just had a look at the website. I could refer my mother BUT it needs all kinds of details such as my name address and contact number plus details of her Surgery which I do not have. If I was not a carer for my husband, who hates my mother, I would probably go down this route. But I just cannot be dragged into this right now. My ‘challenge’ is to try and support Eileen who really is going ‘above and beyond’. even if the decisions she makes are not what my mother wants, I can accept we are at the 'what she NEEDS rather than WANTS ’ stage or are coming close. Eileen must have looked into POA as she says that it costs around £500 to register and that the forms have to be sent off.
TBH still reeling because it was only yesterday that I found out Eileen did NOT have POA so desperately trying to get head round this. Also the fact that Eileen thinks it is getting near to the time it needs to be instigated shows how worried she is becoming so I want to be as supportive as I can. I just hope that they get a good Social Worker to do the assessment which I am guessing will be in July when Eileen is back from her holidays. and that Eileen can have a private word and say how worried she is. She is a retired nurse so I do trust her and have met her a few times when she has driven my mother down to see her brother who lives in this area. He is not in good health either so due to this and the distance I do not think he would want to be POA.
I wasn’t suggesting you used it at the moment. I understand how impossible it is for you at the moment. I was trying to explain how the system might work in future. The advantage being that they can take over everything without any involvement from you, including them being the deputy.
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@selinakylie my Mum lives alone over 3 hours drive away. She’s 87, has poor mobility and her short term memory is very poor. Some days she is quite ‘with it’ and other days very muddled. She has had TIAs. She enjoys a tipple and this likely adds to her confusion especially if she forgets she has just had one. Her eating habits are weird these days and she doesn’t / can’t cook.
My sister visits her once a week and does her shopping and runs errands. She lives several miles away, there is hardly any public transport and she doesn’t drive.
My Mum doesn’t use the internet and relies on her landline phone. We aren’t close. I ring her when I can.
I have been trying for several years to get her to take out a POA before it’s too late. She has struggled with the point of this and kept saying well I have made a will.
Following two recent falls and being stuck on the floor and having to summon help, this has scared her and she has finally agreed its a good idea and my sister has filled out the forms with her. My Mum’s friend from church is going willing to be the witness.
Your Mum’s neighbour sounds amazing. With paid care visits and her daughter doing the shopping your Mum sounds covered. If social services go down the safeguarding route, they will likely try and keep her at home for as long as possible with care visits as its the cheapest option.
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@Melly1 Thanks. I am sorry that you live a distance from your mother too and that you do not have an easy relationship. I am glad your sister lives closer but not driving does not make it easy. Even with short phone calls I have noticed my mother sounding increasingly confused.
I think it was frankly shock that upset me because I had seriously thought Eileen had POA and her text was asking me if it was ok to implement it. She sees Jill on a day to day basis where as I speak to her once a week on the phone and she is very deaf. I think the challenge I have right now is to try and support Eileen but NOT get drawn in. I think when the SS assessment happens Eileen has to stress the amount of care she feels my mother needs. For example, Eileen mentioned doing the gardening for her but she is 76 and had a hip replacement last year. Surely my mother could pay someone as Eileen is worried that her savings exceed the benefits level - my mother is on ‘Pension Credit’.
I agree that Carers are the way forward and also trying to get her in the habit of wearing the pendant. I cannot easily phone her as she does not always hear the phone and I do not want her to rush to it and trip again. I phone every Sunday at 8am from the Street when I get the Sunday papers not ideal frankly. I am worried she wont do a full disclosure if it gets to the Financial Assessment stage but do not feel comfortable talking to my mother about her savings. I guess all Eileen can do is stress that if she does not disclose her savings fully she is committing fraud.
I am an only child and this frankly makes it harder plus I feel dreadful that Eileen has been sucked into this so deeply and I will support her if she wants to disengage to a degree, providing we can put alternatives in place. We really have to ‘hold fire’ and get Eileen’s holiday over. I am just PRAYING that SS do not try and arrange the Assessment when Eileen is away.
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Selinakylie, in a way it’s good that no one has POA then any failure to disclose isn’t your responsibility! It’s up to Eileen what she does or doesn’t do. Mum will just want more and more help, but Eileen doesn’t have to do it. Similarly Social Services won’t do anything until mum asks them herself. The most likely scenario is that mum will end up having a crisis, be admitted to hospital, and never go home again. Mum’s surgeon called this a Life Changing Moment.
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@bowlingbun I do agree with your opinion as to what might happen and am desperately trying to prevent this happening. But can only go so far…
Spoke to my mother this morning, and I did actually say something similar. She is annoyed with Eileen arranging for the carers and says she does not want or need them or want people in her house. I did say that surely she did not want Eileen to worry about her and ruin her holiday. She also said she wanted to send me some money but Eileen kept telling her she had to pay for things. I tried to clarify this and it was the Carers. I did explain that sending me money if an SS assessment was imminent could be considered’ disposal of assets’ but not sure she understood. I really do think Eileen has her interests at heart. I did say that if she did not disclose her savings then it could be considered ‘fraud’. Frankly it was not an easy conversation and I am not sure she is wearing her pendant as she went quiet when asked. I just hope she does not tell SS that Eileen is taking her money as that might provoke ‘safeguarding’. That said it might at least allow Eileen to step back? My mother is not aware that she has to have a scan although she did volunteer she is still being sick. I do feel she is very confused and it may well be dementia. I am worried she will send the Carers away but if Eileen can get her to pay in advance then hopefully this will at least make her accept them whilst Eileen is on holiday.
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I’m afraid your mum has lost the ability to think rationally. I had the same problem with my mum and her hoarding habit. 10 dining tables yet she never EVER invited anyone for a meal. Ultimately I had to accept anything I said on the subject was a waste of time. Rather than let me clear out the largest bedroom and install an en-suite so she could stay at home, she ended up in a nursing home then I had to sell everything! Don’t blame yourself for not trying more. What else could you do?
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It is a rented house so at least she wont have to sell that. But I am sure with help, she could stay in her home for a while. It is hard to give a realistic opinion on ‘mental capacity’ as it is so fluid from a phone conversation and from so far away but I have my doubts personally with regard to her having it. Yes I agree there is nothing I or Eileen can do now as Carers in place for when she goes on holiday
SS chased via GP Surgery
Scan chased via GP Surgery with Eileen telling them she is on holiday. Hopefully the above will make them realise she is a vulnerable adult.
I cannot make her wear the pendant but will try my best to mention it every time I phone her.
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