I have had great support from this site. You are doing a great job here!
I posted a few weeks ago about a possible need for night care for my Mother-in-Law (now 94, no major illnesses, worsening frailty, anaemia not investigated because MIL refused endoscopy). How lucky we are that she needed night care only for a week. But anyway, my OH who is her main carer spends at least 2 hours a day with her but often more + several phone calls every day, shopping, errands etc. I work, we are financially ok but it could be better. We have 2 school-age kids. We live 10 mins walk from MIL.
The thing is, I would like my husband to have at least one day off caring, not 7 days a week. She did not accept the carer we found for her. One neighbour has kindly agreed to pop in from time to time but it is clear mum would need a professional to help her with laundry, meals, keeping company etc… She said she would have called her friends who hire carers and ask if they can recommend anybody. But she also thinks that it should be done Eastern European style where children look after their parents because they will inherit property after their parents pass on. My problem is I don’t want my OH to get any more involved than he is now. He gets more and more burnout. He had no holidays with an overnight stay for 4 years. Yes, I can replace him temporarily but that’s not the point: we need some time away together and with the kids. To be honest, I want to avoid caring for MIL. She is not fond of me, I’m tired of her constant criticism, complaint and manipulation. For example she accuses me that we don’t want to take her to church or on holiday but when my OH asks if she wants to go, she refuses. She says things like (my husband not present at this conversation): “This is me who bought my son his first car and for cash! This is me who paid for his private education. He would not be who he is without me! You should be grateful that you have such a great husband”. I’m sick and tired. Of course, when she sees my husband separately, she is able to criticise him harshly and the next day she is tearfully grateful to him. What a rollercoaster!
I’m feeling terribly guilty for not helping my husband more with caring for his Mum. I said I could once a week for lunch but only when we find a replacement at least once a week for him. I say to myself maybe I should be more resilient to MIL’s criticism. But I’m lost, really.