Mental Health and Caring - feeling a fraud

@Victoria_1806 Thank you, you’re right I am still honest.

It does baffle me how my parents especially act. They act like they’re losing out because of me claiming DLA on I’s behalf, claiming carers and working. They’re both retired but below retirement age and have no private pensions, so I get that they struggle for money but they could do something about that if they wanted. Whereas I’d rather be working fulltime and not have a disabled child or still be married where we could both work parttime and share the load, but this is the hand I’m dealt. At least my Ex-husband useless as he is, has stopped putting me down and making me feel guilty.

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Hi again.

Good for you - if they only cause you problems then they are not worth worrying about. I have similar situation with some of my family who cannot understand how ill G is and the level of care he needs varies day to day, depending on his energy levels and physical stability. I’ve been criticised for using the tumbler dryer all the time - OK so tell me how to dry a complete set of bedding once or twice a day without that? One said I should have G catheterised. When I suggested HE should try a catheter he replied ‘no bloody way!’ So if he wont why is it OK for someone else? A friend said ‘you need to get out more’ - but when I do and no-one is with G he panics and worries in case I am involved in an accident. They don’t see it and now I am not worried if they are not in regular contact as I don’t want THEM telling ME what is best for G when they havent a clue.

So well done for looking after YOURSELF and not involving them as it’s YOU doing everything so YOU make the decisions. Go for it!!

@hbuxton393 Smart one! I think you’ve just hit the nail on the head.
They retired early with no private pension…so they’re basically begrudge you getting ANY money
Their ignorance of what caring takes, and what you do as a mother means they prefer to think something is wrong…ALL their ignorance…
They COULD be happy for you, proud of how you take care of your daughter and thankful you’re getting some money coming in…

please don’t ever wish or prefer to be married just to share the load or get money in with part time work…you’d soon realise it doesn’t half the burden it quadruples it! I could quote SO many cases
Imagine Mr Useless sticking oar in all the time!

I’m sad for you that your parents and Mr useless can’t see how amazing your managing, juggling AND being grateful on your behalf that you’re getting support - wish it could be more than ‘just’ financial but thank heavens you get that!!!

daily affirmations might be something useful for you…it may sound goofy BUT saying things like
I am Honest
I am strong
I’m a loving, good mother
I’m smart and can see through BS :wink:

read it out loud each morning and you’ll see the difference…I made mine a screensaver when things were REALLY bad looking after Dad
BIG hugs

A number of us, me included, have disowned relatives.
My will specifically says that x and y must not under any circumstances inherit any of my estate!
It’s easier this way. My life is challenging enough, I can’t make my brain damaged son better, but I do my best to support him, and he knows he is loved.
I’m not going to waste my time on family who don’t deserve it.
I can’t change them but have changed the way I feel about them, seen them for what they really are.

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@Chris_22081 I completely empathise with the not getting it, my family are like that, it’s almost like they feel threatened by I’s disability or feel they’re missing out on something because of her. I get told regularly I should leave I with them and go out to get some me time, or I need more friends. But its so hard finding people who understand.

I have one very lovely best friend K and another friend D who’re in similar situations but my mum and sibling don’t like them, they say they put ideas in my head about the level of contact I should have with family and it’s not right or fair - my family think I should rely on them more and not use childcare, I loves breakfast club at school, so yes I use her DLA to pay for it, it’s not all for my benefit to work but it helps I, stops the school refusal and means I go to work in a better headspace than if I’ve spent an extra hour with her and fought to get her through the gates, but to my family thats wrong and I should use them and K and D put the ideas in my head that I should cut down on seeing family.

@Victoria_1806 Thank you.

Ex-Husband isn’t all bad, he has his own issues which mean he can’t put I first, so it’s better that she’s with me full time and sees him for 1 night every second weekend, but it is hard. You’re right though, if I’d stayed married to him he’d have made things 10 times worse or maybe even be in prison for murdering me right now (he was abuse both physically and verbally/emotionally).

@hbuxton393 geez ok - glad your out of that then. Take care

Well how interesting, family say you should leave I with them more…The cynic in me says ‘and then how long before they expect you to pay THEM for looking after her instead of Breakfast Club etc - where she can socialise with other children?’

As @bowlingbun says it can be better to cut off some family members. I’ve done that after silly attitudes and I feel better for it. Sometimes miss conversations with them but its better in the long run.

A good friend offered to stay with G once while I went off to the gym as G was particularly ‘under the weather’ and I did not want to leave him. I emphasised that he needed to rest and Martyn said 'no problem I will bring my laptop as I have loads of work to do and I’ll sit in the dining room so I dont disturb him. Two and a half hours later I returned for find him talking away and G looking totally drained. HE decided that the best thing for G was to have someone different to talk to and went on and on. After he left G had to go to bed for a few hours to recover. I wont be doing that again. The guy just did not get it. When I commented his reply was ‘I was entertaining him!’

YOU are the one who knows what is best for I …

@hbuxton393 no wonder you’re feeling so stressed. But the fact is that you’re doing what’s right for I and you. The two of you are all that matter in this, and your new strategy should reduce some of the pressure on you - and that will ease the pressure on I, as she has to be aware at some level of how you’re feeling.

Quick aside: I think I must have the same cynic in me as @Chris_22081, because the same thought crossed my mind…

@Chris_22081 and @Charlesh47 How did you work out my family so quickly? They’re big on being seen as acting or being involved but never do anything for free. Occasionally it’s a tranactional type arrangement e.g. I’ll fix something or help them fill out a form and they’ll want to do something for me like have I but most of the time they want paying or want to be seen as giving “the best” so they enter competitions with each other to give the biggest and best and most expensive gift to I who literally couldn’t give less of a damn.

@Victoria_1806 He’s proven tonight again exactly why he’s an Ex rather than current Husband, laughing at a photo of I from holiday club, she’s clearly concerntrating hard to keep her balance and do what she’s trying to do (she has hypermobility and dyspraxia, poor love what a combo of conditions!) and he said “She looks constipated or like she’s holding in a fart” with a load of laughing faces. Absolute ******* honestly, I am so proud of her and the photos prove why she got Star of the Day and a certificate, and he’s laughing at it.

@hbuxton393 I think because we’ve both had jobs that involve working with people from all walks of life. You start to recognise the signs!

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@hbuxton393 “playing the system”? No! You are in receipt of monetary support for your daughter that you are entitled to. There is no need to feel guilty about that. I get so angry when people peddle their beliefs that we must all be raking it in and that it’s some sort of ‘money for nothing’. Benefit applications are difficult, stressful, and require evidence. DLA isn’t sloshed around like fizzy pop at a kids party. And you are spending it entirely for her benefit.

As for family members saying you should leave your daughter with them - are they fully aware of her needs? Would they be able to provide the level of care, or mental stimulation, or development opportunities that currently gets at the breakfast club? You know your daughter best and you are doing your best for her. More power to your elbow!


Agree with the comments. Your family have to be with your daughter 24/7 for an extended period to get any idea of what the caring you do fully entails.

I had a similar comment from a friend several years ago. She said she envied me staying at home all day and being able to read. I would LOVE to do part time work or vol work. She had no comprehension that waiting for the District Nurse entailed staying downstairs as if upstairs husband would often sleep through the knock. Also leaving whole day free and her not turning up. Ditto prescription being delivered and with Fortisip no way I could carry them from chemist. Constant member of the Night Owls Club due to his non compliance re the inhalers. Having to leave phone number when I go out so I can leave immediately if he feels ill. Constantly ‘on edge’ wondering if he has left the ring on if I am out. Having to arrange my life around a medically non compliant mega difficult and verbally abusive old man’. Sadly she is now an ex friend and ironically another friend has said she has slept walked into doing more for her elderly mother. So I could have been in a position to offer her support had she been more understanding.
The DLA is very low and does not enable you to ‘live in luxury’. I would imagine you have had to jump through a lot of hoops to get it so please just ignore the tactless and thoughtless comments.