Hi all. This is my first post and looking for other people in similar situation. Sorry if my story is a bit long but is a bit different.
A bit of background about myself. i am 33 and originally from the north east. I left the UK over 10 years ago after landing the job of a lifetime with no intention of ever living in the UK again. My parents separated 10 years ago after living in the bahamas for several years. A couple of years later my mother moved back to the UK to help care for my grandfather, living with him and my aunt who split care with him.
Since then I have married an amazing woman in the same career as me. We both work at sea and have a very transient lifestyle with no fixed abode due to the nature of the job. We were saving for our first house in the USA.
A year ago we got married and were just coming to the end of our honeymoon when my Mother had a severe haemoragic stroke. Obviously my wife and I jumped on the first plane and made it back to the UK in less than 36 hours.
As we were between jobs I was able to stay with family and visit my mother and take decent food in for her every day. In the meantime my wife found some temp work abroad to keep a little money coming in so we were separated a lot.
My mother finally made it out of hospital after 4 1/2 months. We found a nice bungalow for my mother, aunt and myself as my mother would need constant care if she was to recover.
I was lucky enough to find a new job that was rotational (10 weeks on/10 weeks off) and a pretty high stress position I might add. This ment that my aunt (who has her own health problems) could care for my mother when I was away then be able to stay with her partner when I am back.
It must be pointed out that due to my wife being American she cannot work in the UK and the industry we work in is almost non exsistant in the UK.
I am now coming to the last couple of weeks before I go back to work an I am dreading coming back after 10 weeks.
My mother has been making amazing progress but still needs someone pretty much live in and may always need it, we just don’t know yet.
I have to stress that compared to most of the stories I have read my mother is a saint of a caree. However she still needs all of her meals made and has to be reminded about her pills at night. Thankfully she can take care of all of her personal hygiene without aid now, although she still wants someone to be around.
One of the hardest things to deal with is her depression. She never sees the positive in anything now. Non of the progress she has made counts to her, because she still needs to be cared for.
She is seeing a psychologist but does not like it as it is forcing her to deal with unresolved issues.
Every 3 to 4 days I can expect to have to help her through a weepy day which in turn has me down low for a day or 2.
I can’t say strongly enough how much I hate being a carer. Every commode I have to empty, every cup of tea I have to make, every outing with my mother that revolves around proximity to a disabled bathroom, everything.
I can’t even find respite by seeing old friends as they all, and I mean every one, have childeren and the thought of being around another dependant person depresses me.
On top of this out of our first year of marriage my wife and I have spent less than half of it together. Of that time we have had less than 2 weeks proper alone time.
The only thing that has kept me semi sane is the jewellery that I make in the garage. But this is mainly an excuse so I don’t have to send time in the house and is detrimental to my mother. I know that she would do better with more company but I just can’t face it.
Basically I am filled with anger, guilt, remorse longing and despair any time that I am in this country that I have spent 10 years staying away from. It is not home any more and I feel trapped!