. I am a carer for my partner who has severe ms, i work 4 days a week, both parents have dementia, but I am not responsible for their care. I have a lot a grief for what is happening to my loved ones and nowhere to put it, so I just suppress it and stay in the moment. I have been indulging in some escapism watching gentleman jack on tv, I’m a gay woman, but the ms has killed off the physical side of my 20 year relationship. Then I get swept away by all the passion, romance and beautiful woman on the TV and suddenly I have all these Feelings coming out and I have nowhere to put them. I just end up feeling grief. I’m 51, is that the end of intimacy for me?
I don’t have any useful advice, sorry.
I just wanted to say that I feel for you and hope that you get resolution as you seem too young to be facing this.
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Hi Nicky
I can relate. I am gay too, aged 48 and a carer for my wife. All things romantic and otherwise stopped quite a while ago. Previously we discussed the possibility of me finding release elsewhere but i am not sure i want to do this or when i would find the time.
You are definitely not alone.
I have just started to play squash and go swimming to try to get rid of my pent up frustration but cant say its working yet!
Hi Nicky, similar situation here. My wife (I’m male) has MS that has progressed quite a way, so much so that I have to do everything now for her including washing, dressing, taking to toilet etc. I’m 49 and we haven’t been intimate now for over 2 years. Just not physically possible anymore. I’m also wondering if this is now it.
Apart from the lack of sex and passion now in our relationship, we have definitely moved into pure carer/caree stage (it feels more like parent and child relationship at times). Hopefully you still have a little more than this.
Can’t really offer you any real help as I haven’t found the solution either, but just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. Stay strong and well.
Wow. I want to start by saying “Well done” for anybody who has opened up about this taboo topic. I have been caring for my wife for 5 years, In that time we have not been able to be intimate in any form because of her conditions. I sleep in my own room and we are now basically carer and patient although we still share 42 years of marriage and memories, We remain “best friends” on the days when she is able to be half of her old self.
There have been critics on here who say that this subject should be kept private etc etc. NO!!! It is time for Carers to speak about this as it affects us all.
Why can there be sex arranged for disabled men but not for carers?
I do not for one minute propose that we should go to a Dr and get s presc for sex. WHat should happen in this modern day, is that we are allowed to establish a forum where men and women who are in this situation and talk and maybe get together for mutual support.
I for one have no way of going to a prostitute and paying £150 for a 2 minute release and the risk of disease. I could not afford that anyway
I would love to chat to a lady who understands this situation and maybe set up a date or meeting which would be mutually beneficial.
I am too old to go on dating sites and anyway, most of them are scams who charge you for this and that and the ladies on there are fictitious.
Come on Carers. Let’s get this topic out in the open.
I am sick of NGO’s like Carer;s Trust or Scope etc etc who say meet us for a cup of tea. I don’t want a cup of tea, I need practical help!!!
Completely feel this and thank you for raising the issue. I am in my thirties caring for my wife. Intimacy is not really a part of our life anymore.
Her condition involves hip joint pain. Practically any sexual act that she enjoys causes pain and can lead to aching for days. Similarly anything she can do for me causes her pain.
So on those rare good days where she is interested in intimacy and not full of fatigue, the pain quickly ends that. Tried lots of positions before we gave up but nothing quite worked.
I have permission to seek out other partners but I don’t think the hook-up scene would be for me even if I had the time and energy to seek someone out.
I’m 35, been married to my spouse (27) for 2 years, and we haven’t had sex in 7 months because they were in and out of a mental hospital for 6 months, during which time they did extreme self harm requiring hospitalisation. Now they are home but distant as the moon. I don’t know how we can be physical when taking off our clothes reminds us both of what they did to try to end their life. Attempts to restart have puttered out. I don’t know if it’s the medication or trauma (for both of us), and I’ve never sought that much sex, It’s just never been this long and they’re my only sexual partner.
Hi, can relate to this taboo topic so much, it consumes me at times with what I have lost and really darkens my mood if I let it.
I have tried taking to a counselor but have got nowhere. The advice they gave me conflicts with the advice my wife got and her condition. I know the NHS are struggling but there are no specialists in Scotland and some doctors have no idea about my wifes illness. She had an emergency admittance and the words I had to google it, is not what you want to hear. (It’s ME) so when I speak to counselors or my local carers group the advice isn’t always relevant or I’m able to carry out
Old thread but it’s been helpful knowing it’s not just me
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@UpwardOnward welcome to the forum.
When you are ready introduce yourself and say a little about your caring situation. You could post this in the New to Carers Connect section.
No, you are definitely not alone!
I have been doing a lot of writing in the last year or so and ended up with one of the characters being involved in an accident and that led to the issue of sex for a disabled person and the frustrations for both able bodied partner and the disabled one.
I remembered seeing a documentary some years ago about a sex therapist who helped (able bodied) couples rekindle their relationship and she got them to massage each other, but no sexual contact was allowed. Gradually they found it helped because there was no pressure “to perform” and it broke down one of their psychological barriers. Sexual contact and pleasure took over later as things developed more naturally.
Graham has suffered from ED problems for years and has tried all sorts of things to help. Now he describes himself as more Sensual than Sexual. We enjoy time touching and massaging and even something like him giving me a foot rub can be quite wonderful. Not comparing that to other pleasures but its a way of finding a way of finding some new ‘intimacy’ with a partner.