Hi . I’m new here. I’ve been feeling very low just lately and found this site while looking for help.
My partner has been getting worse with his mobility over the last 3 years and now is mostly in a wheelchair. He has all the associated problems of having MS and is not the same man mentally, who I married.
He reached retirement age last year and this has brought a number of feelings to the fore .
We had plans to sell up and go travelling. I lived for my holidays, camping and hiking, being in nature and exploring new places. I now feel totally broken, I’ve no interest in anything anymore. To add to the problems if him getting Ms 3 years ago, in the same year I lost my mum and had to give up my job . We hate the house and area we live in (and are now stuck in). We have had some work done to make the house more comfortable for him , but it just makes me feel depressed looking at all the aids that have been put in place. I know this sounds selfish but I feel like I have a huge weight pressing down on me all the time. He has a hobby that keeps him busy and he spends most of his time doing it. I have just lost interest in life. I call myself a “Martha” from the Handmaid’s Tale. My family live far away and I have lost touch with friends. We have nobody other than the two of us. Sorry about the moaning on my first post but I’m feeling very lost.
welcome to the forum, just quick reply ask need to start cooking dinner.
I’m not surprised you feel as you do. You are grieving for the man you married and the retirement you had planned and looked forward to. Life can be so unfair.
Have you talked to your GP about how you feel?
This might be a very silly idea, but have you considered getting a rescue dog? A reason to get up and out into nature everyday and as company.
Hi Melly 1, thank you for your reply. Getting a dog is not a silly idea at all . We do have a dog. He’s a lovely old black lab with mobility issues of his own. I don’t know what I would do without him.
Enjoy your dinner and thanks again for your reply
Welcome to the forum. My apparently well husband died in his sleep from a massive heart attack, when just 58. I was 54. I totally understand the feeling of being robbed of so many hopes and dreams. Soon after I was widowed I was disabled in a head on smash, unable to walk for five years until I had knee replacements, but still supporting disabled mum and son! The day mum moved permanently into a nursing home I booked a holiday to Crete, I slept most of the first week, but the second week I learned to live and laugh again.
Looking after yourself is really important, so I’m concerned that you don’t seem to be getting any support?
When did you last take a weekend away, by yourself?
Do you have a wheelchair accessible vehicle?
Are you in touch with other carers locally?
When I was widowed I read a book called “Starting Again” by Sarah Litvinoff. It was originally written for people separating, but I found it helpful when trying to make a new life for myself. It looks forward, not back.Copies are usually on eBay, reasonably priced. There might be a few ideas that you could both share?
@Invisible_woman…..welcome to the forum. I’m
glad you’ve reached out. This forum was a big help for me. My husband had severe mobility problems and I can relate to how you feel. I thought we’d be enjoying life together at this stage after our daughter had left home and would be going on lots of holidays however he’s now living in an assisted living flat and we’re in the process of him divorcing me. It’s a very long story over a few years, involving hospital stays/rehab centres and carers doubled up 4 times a day, with neither of us coping, so I won’t bore you with the details but I can relate to a lot of what you say re how you feel. Please stay in touch and reach out to this forum when you need to. I’m sure you will find it a relief to be able to talk about how you feel.
Thank you for your reply bowlingbun . Your story is heartbreaking and I really feel for you. What you have had to go though is so unfair.
I’ve not been able to get away for about 3 years. After I lost my mum I took my dog camping in the woods for a couple of days , absolute bliss. My partner was still able to look after himself for a few days at that point. Now it would be impossible for me to go away, my dog is now elderly and needs special care and my husband has got so much worse. I only have a small car/banger so we don’t go far. Some days you can cope with it all and others it gets on top of you doesn’t it.
Thank you for your advice and I will definitely look into getting that book. Thank you and Have a lovely day
Thank you Sue24 .
It’s very difficult isn’t it, you have all these dreams and plans and then they all get stamped on. I don’t know about you but I have friends who seem to be living the life I had planned,I have to admit to feeling very envious. But I now tell everyone, don’t put anything off, do it now if you can. You never know what life will throw at you. I’m guessing it’s a mantra that we all use in this forum.
Have a lovely weekend
@Invisible_woman
Welcome to the forum.
My circumstances are different to yours,. However I understand the feeling of your partner not being the man you married. My lovely late husband suffered strokes vascular dementia and other health issues. He was a very smart man always with a thirst to learn. To see him deteriorating was heartbreaking. He had some enjoyable retirement. I had one year before he started to get ill. I’m ashamed at times to admit I felt deprived at times. He eventually was in a nursing home ( no choice).
Time for yourself is very important even when you love someone very much. Maybe see your GP and explain your loss of interest in life. Could suggest counselling?
I really feel for you. Please keep posting because it helps to share . I found the forum invaluable and supportive
@Invisible_woman…same here, it’s natural to feel envious. I’m just starting to rebuild a life for myself. Have a good weekend too.
You’ve been through loss, a huge life change, and the slow unraveling of plans that once gave you joy. That’s grief on so many levels, not just for your mum, but for the life you thought you’d have, the version of your partner you knew, and maybe even the version of you that used to feel excited about the world.
It’s not selfish to feel this way. It’s human. You’ve taken on the role of caregiver, given up your job, your freedom, your space, and what’s left for you? That weight you feel isn’t just in your head. It’s real, and you deserve support.
Even just finding this site and sharing your story is a step forward. You matter in this too
Thank you so much for that. It’s so nice that someone understands . I’ve spent years hiding how I feel and just getting on with things. I find it really difficult to ask for help as I’m very independent and as silly as it sounds a little shy.
I’m just a little lost right now, hopefully I’ll pull myself out of this funk and having found this site I think it will be the start of that.
Thank you for your reply. Your situation seems very similar my my own. This feeling of being cheated out of your own life hangs heavy . Summer is particularly hard as everyone I know is constantly going out in their camper vans or jetting off somewhere.
I guess there’s no choice, I’ll just get my head down and carry on. At least I’ve now found this place and such lovely people I can have a moan to.
I hope things for you have turned around and you can enjoy life again
dean777 Thank you so much for that. It’s so nice that someone understands . I’ve spent years hiding how I feel and just getting on with things. I find it really difficult to ask for help as I’m very independent and as silly as it sounds a little shy.
I’m just a little lost right now, hopefully I’ll pull myself out of this funk and having found this site I think it will be the start of lifting myself up.
Hello and welcome from me too.
I care for my husband who will be 86 on Saturday. He is medically non compliant. My situation is probably different to many on here as I no longer love or even like my husband. But caring is the only way I can keep my home and beloved cats so I see it as a ‘business relationship’. That said his medical non compliance is an utter nightmare.
I would suggest you see if there is a local ‘Support for Carers’ in your area. I realise you may not be able to get to meetings, but they may have a Befriender service -often they have been Carers themselves and can be a huge help. I have been caring officially since Jan 2013 but unofficially probably longer. Sadly care needs increase rather than decrease so please try to put something in place that reflects YOUR needs as YOUR life matters too.
What are YOUR hobbies? I appreciate that you cannot leave your husband for long periods. I Chair 2 Book Clubs but have to take him with me to one and he is mega disruptive. I am an Admin of a local social group and do my best to get out, albeit having to ‘compromise’ and only stay out for short periods and stay local. I find the restrictions very hard to cope with sometimes but try to ‘count my blessings’. Do you do Facebook? Again can be a way to connect with people locally and find out what is going on in your area.
Hi Invisible_woman - I see you and understand exactly how you feel as I’m in a very similar situation. My husband has a rare neurodegenerative disease and is now confided to a wheelchair, it’s heart breaking watching him slowly deteriorating and basically waiting for him to die, which sounds harsh but that’s the reality of our situation. We are both only 57, I feel every type of emotion from sadness to anger, he’s not the man I married and it’s changed me. Our retirement has been taken away from us and it all feels so unfair and uncertain. Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is having a loved one suddenly confined to a wheelchair, to me it feels like even the simplest things are just flipping hard work now, every outing needs to be planned in detail, sometimes I’m exhausted before we even leave the house. The way you feel is not selfish, try to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel every emotion you need to.