Living in a marriage with Autism

I’m currently a carer for my grandchildren and adult children with Autism.
I was married for 10 years before I found out my husband was Autistic (high functioning) .
Its now been 35 years that I’ve been living with Autism, it’s hard, difficult and frustrating, I didn’t get a choice of what I was letting myself in for. I just got on with it.
After 20 years of marriage my husband came home from work and said, we now have our children, you sleep in the other room and no more sex, end of conversation. I know others have found this difficult, but there is no such thing as a normal marriage in the neurotypical sense because a person with Autism is not neurotypical, they are different and do not conform to the social norm. It’s now been 35 years and my children have left home, all diagnosed with ASD, plus my 3 grandchildren. My experience with professionals remains difficult, as a professional myself, my work involved educating these people about ASD. Most told me it was difficult to see high functioning Autism as a disability because they passed so well at being normal. High functioning is not a term I usually use, but others seem to know the term, so here I use it.
Time has moved on I find it more and more difficult to continue with my caring role, I find it harder these days to tolerate the difference.
If you decide to marry someone with ASD, think hard about what you’re letting yourself in for.
The last 35 years have been lonely and depressive, I’m a carer, not a wife or a lover, friendship would be at a push. I’ve now decided to look to my own needs and find a life where laughter and fun come first.

Hi Janet, and welcome.

I can’t begin to imagine your situation, although in my past work I spoke to a number of women in your situation. Most, if not all, were depressed. Under the circumstances, it’s not very surprising.

I certainly get where you’re coming from over dealing with professionals! I think most of us on here have stories to tell!

Once again, welcome. I don’t know if anyone else on the forum has similar experiences to you, but hopefully they’ll respond if so, The National Autistic Society has a forum that might also be worth trying: go to and click on Community - it’s at the top of the page.

It sounds like you need to be honest with him.

Being born HFA/ASD was not our choice and it is difficult for us in our given professions and in everything else, which you know given what you have posted about informing professionals.

Hi Janet
It never ceases to amaze me how carers cope in their own unique circumstance.
I have my own story which I find very difficult.
I would like to comment in more depth but don’t want to sound patronising.
All I would like to say is you deserve happiness and hope that you can find it in some way.
Do what you have to do.


Hi Janet

I can in part understand your situation. I’m an adult with Asperger’s, now called ASD although I don’t use the term high or low functioning I do thing there is a difference between Autism and Asperger’s.

I live in the same house as my ex-partner, seperate bedrooms, seperate lives. For me, I hate being touched, I hate the sensation of it and I find it traumatic. I also have other sensory & processing issues.

When you have ASD/Autism especially as someone in mid-life, you had to learn to mask and pretend but inside trying to make sense of the world and how it works is mentally draining. To others, they think that your odd, cold, weird and distant. Some also think being autistic means your less intelligent because it take you longer to process information.

Your husband will have his own set of unique struggles. However, you have a life and different needs to him, a life you only get one chance at. You have to think of yourself and allow yourself to be happy, only you know how to do that.

Hi everyone

Not sure what has happened but we appear to have been at least partly hacked as there are unsuitable posts on here blocking up the forum. I’m posting here to bring this topic higher up the forum so that the rubbish can be ignored until the techs get to it.

Sorry about this.

Hi Charles - thanks for highlighting. Spam user and all their posts now deleted but will keep an eye out for anything further.


Thank you Charles and Aaron