I’ve always been close to my parents. More so during and after the pandemic, when bubbles meant they relied on me more and got used to it. I enjoyed their company and liked being busy so it suited us all.
My mum died last year after a short illness. My dad is disabled so as well as grieving I was also thrust into a more hands on caring role for him. At first it was a struggle but over time you get used to the new normal - although it has needed adjustment a couple of times.
My dad died yesterday unexpectedly. My brother is talking about the relief he feels from his caring duties although he is still upset and will miss dad. I’m completely the opposite. I thought I might feel at least a bit of relief but I feel lost. I’ve lost my routine. The person I built the rest of my time around. My companion. I don’t know what to do with myself. Today I went to his house and just couldn’t settle so ended up tidying and bits just to be doing something.
I’m just worried how I’m going to fill this massive void. Although I hated losing my mum, these last 18 months I’ve got to know my dad in a different way. Learn more about his life. Caring for him could some weeks be difficult, if there were lots of appointments or illnesses on top of day to day things. But on the whole I learned to enjoy my time with him.
I do work full time and have friends and a boyfriend, but I live alone and I am feeling what my dad talked about after losing my mum. You go out see people, do things, then you come home and there’s nothing. I’ve had so much crammed in before and now I don’t. It’s early days obviously and I will get a new routine of course. I just wondered how other people got on once their caring duties were over? Any advice?
I’m still caring for my Mum. Friends who’ve lost parents or partners have shared their diverse experiences. One aunt threw herself into travelling, one friend needed time to sleep and sleep and be alone because grief itself is exhausting. Another friend, went to a local grief support group/grief cafe to chat with others (not specifically about grief all the time, but just to get out)
Grief is so very individual and there is no right or wrong way or …I’m sad to say, easy way of things…
if you need a routine, perhaps set yourself goals around the tidying you’ve started, or maybe a regular walking route. However, things are so unexpected right now…my main recommendation would be - Be Kind to yourself, have less expectations of ‘must dos’ whatever you’re feeling - it’s legitimate and justified…
We’re here for whatever you need to share. Roll call comments my be a nice distraction
take care xoxo
I’ve lost all four parents, husband, brother and sister in law. Each situation was different. The next few weeks will be busy, sorting out lots of things, from funeral, arranging for aids to be returned etc. Did dad own or rent his home? Made a will? Once this busy phase is over, you will really meet the issue of what to do now? I would suggest going away on your own for a few days, for some quiet time. Take a pen and notebook for your thoughts. Buy a book called Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff, published by Relate. The best book I found looking at what to do in the next phase of your life. Please expect to fall over what I call the Cliff of Tiredness at some stage. Don’t be in a hurry to fill your time, you need to tread water for a while.
Welcome to the forums in order to start with. Do something in order to benefit yourself. Have a decent massage, paint your nails, eat ice cream etc. The options are literally endless. From time to time each year I go away on a two night mini break at a hotel. I take along two easy puzzle books, a story book, some classic card games and my travel pillow too. I also have extra spending money for wine and a meal out. Good luck. You can do this.
Also get a appointment to do a will. If you live near a community centre they might have a trained will advisor who does a will writing service. Ask at your nearest one. Also sss if there are any fun events on too. I recently attended a themed party at one near my house. You can find some more information on community centres on the local council website. Most community centres often offer a range of activities in question. Get a copy of the weekly timetable. Hugs.
Maybe see if your friends or boyfriend fancy a night out too.
@Helenc81
Welcome to the forum and am sorry for your losses.
I too have lost parents. Also my lovely husband who suffered strokes vascular dementia and other health issues. Each person is different in finding ways to cope. As bowlingbun said you will be busy for a while with arrangements, as you probably understand having been through it with your mother.
It will be one day at a time and the waves of grieving will happen.
You will adjust, it takes time. I had lots of house maintenance to sort, ( because it became neglected). Took me ages to get round it, where to start etc. Then one day I had a light bulb moment and realised I was coping and having some happy times.
Lots of us on the forum understand where you are coming from
My partner moved into care two weeks ago, when his dementia became to difficult for me to cope with. He now does not recognise me or his children.
I am now living alone at 70, after thirty-five years together, and it’s one hell of a shock. I have our cat for company, interests and friends, and a visiting schedule to put into place. But as others have experienced, you walk into the house that used to be busy with carers visits and 24/7 stress and anxiety - now silence. My partner moved into hospital whilst I was on a weeks break away, and then was transferred into care, he never came home…
@Jilliekins
I have a very good idea of how you are feeling. My lovely late husband suffered strokes vascular dementia and other health issues. He was hospitalised then assessed then into a nursing home. His consultant would not allow him home for his safeguarding and mine. Eventually and with difficulty I adjusted. So did my family. We became his care managers and made sure everything was correct. We had been married for over 50years. It was the right thing for him. Needs not wants had a meaning. Stay in touch and vent if you need to
I’m another widow, only in my case there was zero warning. Your situation is, in many ways, even worse. I would recommend a book called Starting Again, by Sarah Litvinoff, as it helps to find a new direction. Think about going away for a few days, not a holiday, but a time of reflection. Start a private diary for your thoughts, then in a while you can look back on your progress. How are things financially?
My Mum passed away just before Christmas. Some days I think Im coping. Glad to get through another day. But there are times where I just don’t know what to do with myself. But then I just sit there and try and process how I feel. Mum has been a constant in my life. And this new normal is a big adjustment. One of which Im slowly coming to terms with. My friends tell me that I just need time and space.
