Kindred Carers, I have a dilema

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1

Hello all :waving_hand:

After over 7 years of caring for my Father, he very sadly passed away last April. I moved in with Dad to look after him and the journey I had was absolutely exhausting, emotionally draining and I am still picking up the pieces of my life to this day. I am currently facing a huge dilema and am unsure of how to approach this situation and hope that I may get some thoughts and advice.

I looked after Dad for 7 years with very little help at all from my only Brother (we sadly lost our Mum when we were quite young). I gave up my work to care for Dad for no monetary gain whatsoever other than board and lodgings and it was so very hard but I was determined that Dad would stay at home. Luckily he had the money to pay for care as I had to arrange carers to come in and help me as Dad was a big man and could not be left on his own as it was too much for me alone. Managing this in itself was a challenge and the stress I went through was unbelievable. Copious hospital admissions, ambulances regularly, I was literally on red alert 24/7. I was also on a bell to Dad overnight, every night often getting up in the night and having to deal with toilet visits, accidents etc which was simply exhausting. Had I not done this, we would have had to pay for overnight care as well which would have been a significant amount, so I saved a lot of money in this regard too. It’s hard to express the journey I had.

My brothers life was not impacted at all and even though he kept in touch (only lived 15 mins away) he made no real effort to relieve me and was happy for me to manage the whole situation. Dad used to say “dont disturb your brother, he has a life”. I am a 55 year old single lady with no children, whereas my brother (58) has a very supportive partner and two sons. The anger and resentment I had at that time was so difficult but I just had to get on with it as I loved my Dad so very much. Within this time I also helped look after my brothers youngest son a lot and was always there for school pick ups and sleepovers.

Very sadly, Dad was admitted to a Hospice on “end of life” and stoically rallied for 19 months before he died which was yet again another tough journey. Oddly however, it was very cathartic for me as I was able to step back from being the main Carer. I still spent hours daily sitting with Dad as the whole time it was deemed he didn’t have long left. In this time my brother did his visiting as usual but it was always a case of when are you going in and him covering me as such.

My Father left his Estate to both my brother and I equally. We are both executors and joint beneficiaries. Within his estate were two properties, his home here in UK of which I moved into to care for Dad and a holiday home abroad, both of similar size. I did not want ownership of the property abroad and signed it over to my brother. I decided that I wanted to try and stay in the UK home if possible as I have simply not been up to the task of moving and it has also been my home for the last 8 years. When we obtained Probate values for both properties, there was a difference of £150,000 in favour of Dads UK property. I asked my brother a while ago if he was happy for this difference to be left “in the Bungalow” with the knowledge that I leave everything to him and his children in my will. Buying him out at this stage is going to make things very tough for me financially. He said no and that he would like to do the “split” now to make it a clean break. Dad had also left us both an equal amount of money of which I would have to give to my Brother in order to do this.

I was quite upset at the time but not surprised as it was apparent that he had not given any thought to my situation at all. After a few days he contacted me again and said that he’d been thinking about it and didn’t want to leave me short and had come up with the idea of putting his son on the deeds of the Bungalow as a share for the amount rather than me actually giving money at this time. Initially this sounded reasonable but after a lot of thought it really doesn’t sit well with me as I have craved my independence for so long and it would also impact me going forward should I wish to sell as I would always have this hanging over my head and it would make me feel very insecure.

My brother is on the verge of retiring and has proudly told me over the years that he has paid his mortgage off on his own house and has three pensions that he has regularly been able to pay into. I on the other hand gave up work to look after our Dad for the last 7 years with no earnings or ability to save. So basically my brother will have two properties with no mortgage plus a large sum of money in the bank with three pensions to support his future. I will have a Bungalow to live in with little money to support me while I get back on my feet, and the knowledge that I will have to work very hard until pension age to sustain it. To top it all, since Dad passed I was diagnosed with Haemochromatosis and I am currently having weekly venesections which is completely draining me and these will be going on for up to a year apparently.

Legally, of course my brother is entitled to 50% as that was in Dad’s Will but morally it feels so very wrong after everything I gave up and went through with Dad. He didn’t give 50% care to Dad more like 1% if I’m honest.

My dilema is do I just bite the bullet, give him the money and draw a line under it or do I risk animosity by spelling it all out to him. I only get one chance at this. The most frustrating thing for me is that he has not made any real recognition of what I have lost through it all and that I am potentially having to fight for what I consider as justice. Friends closest to me have said I must at least try to appeal to him as perhaps he has not even thought about it and for me if I don’t say something and just let it go and give him the money that I am doing myself a complete injustice after everything. The people closest to me simply can’t believe that he feels entitled to it after everything I went through.

My brother has always had a knack of getting his own way, even our Dad would never challenge him as he was very difficult to deal with. My brother and I do have a good relationship in many ways but I have to be a certain way with him in order for harmony.

I remember saying years ago that I hoped that my Dad never left me in a situation that put my brother in control of my future and that is now ultimately what I feel has happened which seems really quite unfair and makes me very sad to be honest.

So I would love thoughts on this scenario. Do I just keep quiet, inwardly possibly seething forever at how thoughtless my brother is being after everything I did or do I put my big girl pants on and lay it all out and risk awkward conversations and possible anger and tears if he starts arguing the point with me. I’m just not up for a battle as I am still very much grieving my Dad but dont want to regret anything going forward.

All thoughts most welcome :blush:

2

What a sad story and a shame that your father divided his estate 50/50.
I think you have to see a solicitor. Were you financially dependent on your father? This might make it possible to relax the conditions of the will. But you need proper legal advice. I wish you the best with however you proceed.

3

Thank you Greta. Yes I was dependent on him throughout the time but have no legal leg to stand on without it becoming very difficult I imaine. We’ve been so amicable throughout (I simply couldnt face anymore problems) and have no desire nor fight left in me for a legal wrangle. I think its down to scruples and hope someone here may have faced similar…

4

Consult a solicitor asap. NOT the one your dad or brother use.
When did dad die?
Has probate been granted?

5

Dad died last April. Probate was granted but since that HMRC are now questioning the value of the Bungalow which could mean more tax plus more to my brother for me. I understand you saying about a different solicitor but really dont want to go legal as such. Its more a case of actually putting it to my brother, God only knows why I’m feeling unease and guilt at doing it, but I do .

6

After mum died my younger brother, always too busy to help, decided that he should have had more money and sent me a very nasty letter via his solicitor. I gave it to my solicitor to reply. Never heard from brother again. Please consult a solicitor asap, there is a lot I know that wouldn’t be appropriate to share here, that you need independent advice. Keeping dad out of a care home saved dad about £1,000 a week. How much did you lose as wages?!. Think how much that amounts to! You have nothing to lose by a free half hour appointment at least.

7

As I said before I really dont have it in me to get Legal… yes, you’re quite right about loss of earnings, that substantially outweighs the amount my brother wants me to give him to, in his words “settle” everything. I simply don’t understand how he doesnt realuse this without me potentially pointing it out… Thank you though for pointing out how strongly it made you feel about it by suggesting a Solicitor. Anyone else any thoughts on it?

8

It’s no big deal, I’m not saying take him to court, just get an independent lawyer to give you advice as to your rights.

9

What exactly does the will say?
Does it specifically say you have to pay your brother, or you share ownership of both properties?
I just think he’s a selfish bully.

10

You don’t even have to use a solicitor’s letter to your brother. Get a solicitor to tell you your financial rights and then write a letter to your brother telling him what you think. - Of course, if that gets you nowhere, you could follow up with a proper solicitor’s letter, although I am afraid you wouldn’t.

11

Totally relate to this sort of stuff

Doing all the boots on the ground stuff for years on end & some cameo role person swanning by once in a blue moon with a box of chocolates

12

I was taught to assess decisions on a risk and reward basis.
What are you risking by consulting a lawyer? Inital consultation is free.
Reward could be very significant.
You do not want to end up feeling short changed for the rest of your life.

Another thought. You could sell the bungalow and make a fresh start.

13

Thank you for all your thoughts, I would never get a Solicitor involved rightly or wrongly, it doesn’t sit well with me at all. I think my brother is typically just thinking of himself and the big issue to me is how morally wrong he’s being but possibly hasnt even thought about it which is very strange as he prides himself on his morals! I have drafted several letters to him but havent sent anything yet so perhaps I just have to lay it all out in black and white and see what he says. I wouldnt fight him for it, I think the saddest thing for me is that if he doesnt see how morally wrong it is that he will lose my respect for the rest of his life as he will be putting me into a stressful situation after the years of stress I endured.

I would like nothing more than to sell up and make a fresh start to be honest but I have given myself a couple of years before I make a rash move as I’m really not sure where I want to be anymore. Its like a woke up after 7 years a completely different person.

I’d like to thank you all for your supportive words though, even though I know absolutely that I’m not being unreasonable at all, theres this niggling doubt that I shouldnt even be questioning it and you have all reminded me that’s not the case :folded_hands::purple_heart:

14

While kind words are great the reality of the situation is you dad split his estate 50:50. While this isn’t fair that’s what’s happened. So its really up to your brother how generous he is considering your sacrifice. As you lived with your dad my understanding is inheritance tax will not be payable on the bungalow (or your part of it) so you could say to your brother that this saving is yours. The main thing in all of this is for you to accept life isn’t fair. I’m saying this as I am in exactly the same position, and it does take sometime to come to this conclusion but I’m much happier since I have which is the only thing that is important.

15

What did you expect us to say?
Why try drafting letters without a full knowledge of wills, inheritance tax, and relevant legislation when one consultation and letter might resolve things and then for the rest of your life there would be no bad feeling or resentment?
Why sign over property to your brother without taking legal advice?

16

Its only my opinion being in the same position

17

Robin - you and I sound very similar, as the months have gone by the more inclined I am to accept the situation, I know only too well that life can be very unfair. Peace is what I need now for sure and the bottom line is ultimately that no one made me do any of it. I’ve said all along that basically this comes down to my brothers kindness and generosity which is sadly lacking I think. However you and Bowling Bun have made me think perhaps just finding out if there is anything legally I could put to him might be very wise so I feel I have at least tried to achieve a fair result.

18

The very frustrating thing is that my wonderful Solicitor who knows me and the situation inside and out became my Fathers and my Brothers Solicitor through it all and has dealt with Probate. It’ll be very hard going elsewhere! He may still advise me I suppose as he warned me of potential troubles a long, long time ago :see_no_evil_monkey:

19

If you were warned long ago, it’s a shame he did nothing at that time to protect your interests.
You owe it to yourself to take independent advice, because there is a clear conflict of interest here.

I had to change solicitor a while ago, because I needed some very specialist advice. It seemed wrong going elsewhere when I’d used the same firm for over 40 years, but they are used to clients coming and going. All my homes have been within a 10 mile radius of each other!
Hopefully, going forward you will now be able to enjoy life. If HMRC are questioning valuations, that’s an even greater reason to protect your own interests.

20

Yes, you make very good points. Basically the only way I could have been protected was by approaching my Father to make changes which my Solicitor did advise and I tried to do it so many times but simply couldnt do it as he was quite vulnerable. Ive been my own worst enemy, never wanting to upset the applecart… I shall get some advise this week for sure. Thank you all :folded_hands: