Bit of back story…
My grandad currently lives in his own house alone, my uncle lives a few houses down & is ‘supposed’ to be my grandads carer. He cooks my grandads evening meal, other then that he does nothing, he doesn’t take him to routine appointments, doesn’t remind him to take his medication, doesn’t clean up behind himself let alone my grandad. Next week my uncle is moving to Wales (3.5 hours away) & wants to take my grandad with him, my grandad is adamant he doesn’t want to go, it has caused numerous arguments & stress for my grandad, causing him to be hospitalised previously. It has also caused arguments between myself & my uncle as apparently i should be encouraging him to go, but how can I when he doesn’t take care of his basic needs! My uncle also lives in a messy house, clutter everywhere, it just wouldn’t be safe & I can’t see that changing just because he’s relocating. A few times I’ve visited & found that my uncle has dumped things in grandads house, recently a broken bike that he’d found & thought it was ok to put in grandads bedroom!
I have asked my grandad a few times over the past few weeks what he wants to do, he ideally wants to stay in his own home but if he can’t he wants to live with me & my family, which we are all happy to do.
Can my uncle force him to go?
My grandad is 93 but still has his wits about him, he gets around with a walking stick ok (just slowly), he toilets by himself etc. He also has the option to live with my mum but again it’s in Wales & he doesn’t want to relocate that far, plus I really don’t think my mum would cope, she runs a small holding & struggles to look after all the animals as it is.
Sorry for the long post, just need to speak to someone other then family.
DO NOT MOVE GRANDAD IN WITH YOU!
Let uncle move and then sort out care for grandad in his OWN home.
Please read the messages in ‘I’m thinking of walking away’
Think very carefully.
It’s massively different, visiting a relative you love to them living with you even if they’re comparatively well
I can’t begin to explain how hard it can be.
Please feel free to message me, and please please don’t rush into having your grandad live with you because you may well live to bitterly regret it for a long time.
My uncle would not leave him, he would force him to go!!
Can I not have him stay with me for a few days until my uncle has gone, then get the ball rolling with carers?
Obviously when I then ring social services (is that who I’d call?) I’d say he lives home alone.
My grandad wants to be in his own home but my mum & uncle are basically saying he’s not allowed, he wouldn’t cope, etc, even though as I said previously he is pretty much self sufficient. I feel like I’m the only one fighting his case & that if he wants to stay in his own house he should be allowed to!!
I am a carer already for my disabled stepson, have been for the last 18 years & probably always will be, so I know what a big commitment this will be.
Also would he even be entitled to any care help?
As I said he is very self sufficient, he makes himself drinks, breakfast, lunch (usually soup in the microwave).
your Mum and Uncle cant force your Grandad to move. He is an adult in his own right and as you say he has his wits about him. Does he own his own home and/or pay his own rent? Then I can’t see how they can force him to move. It might cause upset him refusing to move Wales, but they can always visit him and he could always travel down to see them by coach or whatever.
How far away from do you live from Grandad? What support do you give him now and how often?
I do agree re not moving Grandad in with you. He has said he wants to stay in his own home and I would respect that. Pottering around his own house means he keeps his current level of independence for as long as possible. Does he claim Attendance Allowance? He can use this to pay for support e.g. a cleaner or gardener etc
Why do your mum and uncle say that grandad is not allowed to stay in his own house???
Does he rent it, or does he own it?
Are they really after his money?!?!
No one has any right to force a relative out of his/hger own home.
Bowlingbun - I think my uncle is 100% after his money, he currently helps himself to his money, I’ve seen his bank statements. Grandads also pays for all the shopping & petrol too!!
My mum I think, is just guilt that she’s not there.
I’ve had a good chat with grandad today, given him all his options including being in his own home with carers. He has said he wants to live with me!
Melly1 - he owns his house
I currently visit 1-2 times every week & stay for 5 hours, usually spend most of the time cleaning the house, changing bedding, doing the mountain of washing up. Then sitting with him having a chat, tea, etc, occasionally we’ll go out.
He gets attendance allowance
Having Granddad live with you is a very big life change. I’m not saying anything bad about granddad or suggesting you are not capable of looking after him BUT however independent he is now, it is inevitable that he will deteriorate so that he needs full time nursing care. That scenario would surely be very hard on you and your family. I took on my Mum’s care when she was 90. I thought, ‘how long can it be before she dies? I will manage.’
She was 100 (bar 11 days) when she passed away.
You haven’t been very complimentary about the uncle. I wonder if he is claiming attendance allowance? Does anyone have POA? If not then that’s something urgent you could get in place to be appointed as his ‘attorney’ which means you have control of his health and finances. If Uncle is already Granddad’s attorney it can be changed while granddad has capacity and if he is abusing the position, using Granddad’s money for his own, then it’s fraud. You can report him.
If uncle is granddad’s ‘official’ carer he should be providing at least 5 hours of care every day. He should be doing the jobs you are doing. Was one of those options you gave Granddad to move in with you? He must be scared of the future, frightened of moving away from the person he trusts –you- and wary of ‘strangers’ (carers) coming into his home. However it might not be the best choice for you.
You are very admirable in wanting to protect him. You must seek help and advice. Please contact Age UK and Citizen’s Advice. Tell them that this vulnerable adult (use that phrase) is being bullied, and perhaps robbed? If Uncle is claiming money or taking money then he is a thief and should be reported. Contact Social Services too. Granddad is probably entitled to their help. He needs to have a Needs Assessment to find out how much help he will be offered.
If you think having granddad to stay for a few days will help the situation, then make sure he knows that it is only a short stay. Don’t let him think it’s for good. Then you can judge a bit of how you could manage, always bearing in mind that his Care will become a full time day and night job for many years perhaps.
One last thought for you to consider. If both Granddad and your son need your full attention in the future. Who will you put first? What will you do about Mum when she can no longer manage?
Please get that advice. Call in the troops!
All this is very, very serious Keira, and you cannot try to resolve this on your own.
How much has been withdrawn by uncle?
Money once taken from an account will never be returned. Please contact dad’s bank and explain your concerns. They have a duty to protect their vulnerable customers. Also tell Social Services and dad’s GP.
As far as washing up is concerned, the solution is simple. Grandad needs a dishwasher.
Laundry? He needs a tumble dryer, or a washer dryer.
As you are already caring for a disabled step son, then moving in with you really isn’t a long term option for Grandad, use the word CANNOT very clearly to him. I had a housebound mum and a son with severe learning difficulties. My son couldn’t speak up for himself, so he had to take top priority. As far as mum was concerned, my role was more of Care Manager, not hands on provider. She lived 6 miles away, had basic things done for her by Social Services, getting dressed and washed in the morning, meals etc. and I did the things the carers couldn’t or wouldn’t, like pick the raspberries in her garden, cut her flowers and lots of other things she liked. I dealt with all her finances. This is the sort of role you need as far as grandad is concerned, so he can live happily in his own home.
I think we’re going against everyone’s advice here but we are bringing grandad to ours tomorrow morning!
His house will be kept so if it doesn’t work out he can go back to his house & we’ll go from there.
I just can’t leave him!
Against advice or not, it’s what you feel you need to do. We will be so pleased for you if it all works out well and wish you all the best.
Let us know how it goes because every situation is different and it will be good to hear a contented carer story.
IF you ever need any suggestions or advice please post. We never do the ‘told you so’ bit, so consider us ‘here and listening’, good news or not so good, you’ll always be welcome.
We were NOT suggesting that you “just leave him” but that he stays in his home and support is provided by Social Services.
Please act on our advice about the apparent theft of grandad’s money by your uncle.
So grandad came to ours this morning, my uncle has only just noticed!
He’s sent me texts basically saying I’ve kidnapped his dad, demanding I bring him back now, he’s going to call the police, etc.
I replied saying grandad asked to stay with me for a few days, I haven’t mentioned anything about it being permanent & that if he wants to call the police go ahead as grandad can tell them himself where he wants to be.
He has rang my mum shouting at her, saying he’s going to hit my husband (she thinks he’ll do this just to get my husband to react, so he can use it against us).
I have had to tell my grandad what’s going on obviously incase the police arrive, he got quite upset & said he doesn’t want to go with my uncle. I’m wondering if something has happened that my grandad isn’t telling us, I definitely get the impression that he is scared of him.
Please keep your phone on you.
When your uncle rings, record his calls.
Do NOT open the door to him until you have your phone on video record.
If he lays one finger on your husband, he has demonstrated conclusively that he is not fit to care for a vulnerable old man. Maybe this is why grandad is so keen to stay with you for the time being.
In my family, I’m known for saying “it will all come out eventually”. No need to question someone directly, when the time is right grandad will tell you more.
You can make a comment like “I was really worried about you, Uncle Fred seems to have a very short temper these days…”
Does uncle have a long reputation for being aggressive?
Grandad has said uncle has terrible mood swings.
A few months back when my uncle 1st suggested moving to Wales & my grandad refused, he stopped cooking his evening meals for a few days. Grandad told my mum during a regular phone call, mum spoke to uncle & it was resolved!
I haven’t been happy with him since then as we have no idea if this has happened previously.
Myself, brother & mum all had lots of abuse last night via texts, we all gave calm replies, but he has now told us all not to contact him ever again.
There was an incident years ago when Nan was alive, she told her carers that uncle had hurt her, she used to soil herself during the night, so he got regular calls through out the night to change her, he’d been very rough with her apparently. They reported it to social services who did an investigation but Nan went back on what she originally said & told them she was confused.
She convinced us all nothing happened, but now we’rere wondering if it really did.
I hope you have saved those texts, don’t delete them before printing them off.
Have you thought about changing the locks on Granddad’s house?