Mum is 83. I am her main carer as well as being a carer for my husband and son ( it’s hard ).
Over last few months I have noticed mum has become very argumentative, she is falling out with all her family. Mum will ring me 4 times in one day to ask me the same thing.
She has now told my niece that I do not care about her. I do all her cleaning, shopping, doctors, hospitals, take her out constantly, I do her banking and not one other member of our family will help me.
I keep saying mum I think you have the beginnings of Dementia and she says I am not old that’s horrible thing to say.
I am mentally worn out. I want to doctors and asked if they could do a test to see if indeed she has Dementia. They told me no unless my mum asks to be seen. Mum has refused and I am at the point where I do not want to be with her.
Can anyone advise how I can get Mum assessed so she can get the help/ medication she needs.
Thank you
Debbie
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hi @DebC welcome to the fourm, 1st off you need to get a power of A which will help you with this issues. Also ask her gp if you go to the same one about your concerns and ask for a capastiy test but also to be refered to the memory clinic.
hope this helps.
Hi. I have POA and doctors not interested. Doctors have said they will not access mum unless she agrees. I have asked her many times and she said she does not have a problem and will not go.
I rang Dementia uk and they told me to make a list of all the things she does that concerns me and to tell doctors that I want it put on her medical notes so it can be picked up at her next app.
Apparently the doctors won’t act on it unless mum requests it.
No one seems to be hearing me and I don’t know what to do 
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@DebC as you have POA the doctors should listern to you and not have to have your mum to request it unless the deem she has compasty. I would suggest that you either take her to A&E, or speak to citzen advice, try the carers helpline for further advice but also speak to a solictor about doctors not willing to actknoledge the POA.
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I’m afraid it’s very difficult. If mum needs all those jobs doing then she needs to get someone other than you to do them!
Is she claiming Attendance Allowance?
Does she own or rent her home?
Do you have Power of attorney?
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My dad told his dr about 4 years ago that he was struggling with his short term memory so got referred that way (the dr said it was age related ) He has since moved into a nursing home and on a number of occasions recently his cognition has started to noticeably decline and change his normally mild mannered behaviour, getting very agitated and very upset (also has severe anxiety and depression) he has been referred again to the memory clinic and has an appointment tomorrow.
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@DebC It certainly is not easy to get a diagnosis of Dementia. I agree totally with keeping detailed notes. I would have a diary specifically for things you notice that are not safe. My husband put his steak in the air fryer with the wrapping on and did not smell the burning. I did but it does really curtail my ‘freedom’ as in how long I can leave him for as he wont eat at set times.
One other option is to write to the Surgery Manager mentioning ‘Duty of Care’, and detailing the ways in which you think that she is a ‘vulnerable adult’. Your post does to me show several ‘red flags’ which may indicate Dementia but it is a long hard process to get a diagnosis and even if she gets a referral to the Memory Clinic a long wait.
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@DebC One thing that helped us was that one of the nurses who came to do Dad’s INR (test for blood clotting since he was on Warfarin) offered to help by writing a short ‘testimonial’ stating that in her experience there was clear symptoms of vascular dementia, we used that as evidence for the allowance and with the GP to get someone - eventually a psychiatrist- to come and test Dad.
Could another person, add their observations? Do you have nurses or anyone coming in?
Maybe if that person is a family friend, perhaps they can urge your Mum to get tested? Or if she has a GP/hospital appointment could you raise your concerns within the appointment or ahead of time? Or maybe the niece can say ‘she’s concerned’ and encourage your Mum to get ‘checked’
I wonder if someone can openly ask your Mum if she feels like she’s having trouble remembering things, sometimes lashing out is the denial and fear talking first
Feel free to ignore these thoughts/suggestions, I’m sure you’ve thought around all this already. WE hear you and understand.