My mum is 90 years old, pretty fit for her age, no problems with mobility apart from arthritic shoulders. She is living independently in a bungalow, which she moved to recently to be nearer me and also as she was struggling with her 3 bedroom house. I noticed memory problems were starting about 3 years before she moved,she would get confused about places she used to live and her short term memory was affected. She is now very confused, she refuses to leave the house on her own as she is worried about getting lost. She believes she has just recently moved from the northeast although she has lived in this city for 30 plus years but has just moved area. She thought her granddaughter was her niece recently.
She is refusing to go to the doctor and has suffered with hypothyroidism for most of her life but has always refused treatment for it. I can see that it is,affecting her more as she must weigh below 6 stone and has a tremor. I managed to get her to doctors a few months ago , I told her they had called me as she hadn’t been seen for a while. I told him about the worries about memory and he asked her some questions. She counted from 100 backwards perfectly but couldn’t remember her address or the month, although she did say shed just moved from the northeast, I had to tell the doctor that was 30 year ago. However he seemed to think that she was fine and suggested she gets a dog for company!!
I have recently called social services in desperation as I am working full time with a disabled partner, my sons partner has recently died also and I am trying to help him through grief. I take mum shopping every week and also help her with getting her pension and paying bills. She complains that she never sees anyone but I am struggling to see her more than I do. I never really envisioned being a carer at 54, and tbh I really don’t want to be her carer. She refuses all medical intervention, she has been diagnosed with a leg ulcer but has refused to take the antibiotics, she constantly talks about the wish to die and that is all she wants to do. She has started getting nasty to me and accuses me of bossing her about.
I have a sister who will call her for 5 minutes once a week, she doesn’t work , and decided to move to the other end of the country 5 years ago, I’ve tried to tell her how stressed out I am but she has obviously left me to be the carer.
A social worker gave my mum an assessment, asked her some questions , mainly regarding her isolation. My mum denied any memory problems, gladly telling the social worker she was only confused because she had just moved from the northeast… the social worker agreed with her that was probably the main problem. I had to explain that it was 30 years ago. I broke down saying I couldn’t cope as nobody seems to think there is a problem, I cant afford to stop working to become a carer, I am constantly battling to try to get my mum to accept medical treatment, but they dont seem to see the memory problems. She said that my mum has capacity and that there is nothing they can do. She sent her information on groups to join but they are miles away, how on earth do they expect her to go on her own when she cant find her way along the road . They seem to expect me to take her but that’s impossible.
I have been offered a carers assessment, they can give me 100 hours respite care a year. That would be fine but my mum is in denial that anything is wrong with her, she would never agree to anyone else coming to help with shopping etc.
I’ve read other posts on here about people becoming full time carers for their parents and it destroys the life they have left…I’m so depressed that my future may end up like that. I feel so guilty about how I feel 
My days off work are being taken up with my mum, I never spend quality time with my partner or my children. I’m starting to feel utterly exhausted and depressed. Any advice will be greatly appreciated 
Hi Elaine,
Great name –mine too! We share other things too. My Mum moved to a bungalow near me, but from South Wales to Yorkshire, my Mum also had thyroid problems and was hyper during my childhood due to mismanaged dosage. She had had the op to remove half the gland then given thyroxoin and not tested for years so was taking too much. When it was all sorted out eventually, and I was a grown woman by then, her personality changed for the better!
Perhaps you should write a letter to her GP outlining all your concerns. Keep a copy and send it registered. The GP mightn’t discuss your Mum with you but that doesn’t stop them reading a letter!
If the GP would come to Mum’s home, with the excuse that they are checking on all their elderly patients, maybe that would be a way forward. If they are reluctant to help, can you change GPs for her? Perhaps her surgery has a GP who specialises in the elderly or even just women. Have they a website? If so the GPs and their interests should be displayed.
Did that assessment result in any offer of Care for Mum?
I found that initially, to get my Mum to accept Carers etc, I told her that it was to help me. It made my life better if I knew someone was coming to help her when it would be hard for me to get there. I was lucky I know. My Mum accepted any help, aids, visits, advice etc with good grace and appreciation, even if she hated the need for them. We all dislike getting old.
When my Mum moved to that bungalow she was 90. Over the next 10 years she changed from a mobile, independent and fairly active person to someone who needed 2 carers 4 times a day, Incontinent, immobile and dependent for everything. Yes, even though my mum was co-operative and appreciative and not living with me, it still took all of my time to look after her.
Start looking at the Homes in the vicinity. OK, not going to happen right now but best to be informed and ready. Do NOT promise her that she will never go in a Home. Fudge your answers to that demand. It’s so hard to break that promise when you have to.
Keep posting. Ask questions and moan/vent as much as you need.
Been there. Know what it’s like.
KR