Hi
I know this is a big statement to start with. I have fallen into caring by accident. Im a 55 new single year old man , I was made redundant last summer, and consequently moved back with my elderly parents, my dad is 85, hearing impaired and refuses to wear hearing aids. He is also very unsteady and becoming very forgetful. My mum is in a wheelchair, impaired memory and hearing impaired. I am looking for a new job, job centre ect ect.
A simple shopping trip becomes a major exercise, shopping, pushing wheelchair and making sure my dad doesn’t wander off. Cooking, cleaning, running the house while trying to keep sane. On top of that my oldest dearest friend has told me that she has late stage ovarian cancer. IM AT MY END OF MY TETHER.
I feel guilty that im job searching, i feel guilty because i resent that they have taken over my life. NO social life, no relationships and top of that i am subject to constant crititism, critique and no thank you or appreciation. I am on anti depressants but feel like running away.
I just feel like im under the water.
Tony
Tony, welcome to the forum.
You have fallen into a common trap!! However, we can help you manage things better. To help us give you best advice, the answers to a few questions will help.
Do your parents, own, or rent, their home?
Are they both claiming Attendance Allowance, and you, Carer Allowance?
Do they have over £46,000 in savings - yes/no?
When did they last have a Needs Assessment from Social Services, and you, a Carers Assessment?
Do you have Power of Attorney sorted out?
Hi Tony. Welcome to the forum. I am caring for my elderly mum (age 88). I first started caring for her over 3 years ago but she has gradually declined. Fortunately she can do her own personal care. Mum has mobility issues due to severe arthritis. I help her every day with shopping, cleaning, washing, walking her dog, preparing meals etc. My mum now lacks empathy and doesn’t see things from my point of view. She can’t understnd why I need to go to exercise classes to be with other people. Today I bravely asked her for some ‘annual leave’ so I can have an extra couple of days off next week - she reluctantly agreed, but didn’t like it.
Returning to your situation, Tony, you were very unlucky being made redundant. It was not a good idea moving in with your parents. How would they have coped if you hadn’t have moved in with them?
Could you possibly get another full time job (for your sake)?.Then perhaps they could have carers look in on them each day.
Tony
Get yourself the book the Selfish Pigs guide to caring. Will help you feel better,and less alone
Tony - ask yourself this - if you could turn the clock back 20 years or so what would your parents attitude have been to what you’re having to put up with now?? My guess is that they would be horriffied.
Next time they criticize you - stop what you’re doing and walk away, tell them that you don’t have to put up with that. You deserve better.
It is OK for carers to say:
- no
- Not now
- If you say “please”
- if you say "thank you
absolutely understand your resentment and anger. although my circumstances are different the outcome is the same. giving up your life to look after loved ones is the hardest thing. there is no choices no break no life outside of that. one thing I have learnt is no matter what you must find something for yourself that’s just yours and that you allow yourself the time to have. get some help and give yourself a little time out.
