I do not think you should even consider sacrificing your own needs. I think you have to see what happens at the assessment. Also, you and your sister could put in a complaint with regard to the carers arranged by the hospital. In fairness I do know the ‘health and safety’ issues can make it hard when someone falls and legally the carers may not be allowed to help get your father up and have to call an ambulance. Is it worth talking to the Carers Helpline or do you have a local Support for Carers? You do sound very down. What does your sister think and want? I totally ‘get’ you want your father to be safe and sadly that will mean fighting for a better Care Agency and monitoring to some extent.
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I have very similar days too. I retired two years ago. My husband is 13 years younger than me, I’m 71. Sadly he has mental health issues and unable to work for the foreseeable future. I am now his carer 24/7. My family live miles away and I feel very lonely. Trapped and depressed. I dreamed about a retirement of hobbies and outings but now every day is the same. The only way I cope is by living one day at a time. Somehow you just keep going.
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@Mrs_Mulch that sounds tough.
Are you able to leave him for short periods or do you need to be there with him?
You could join us on Roll Call for a chat about everyday things.
You might also like Care for a cuppa
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/your-health-and-wellbeing/online-meetups/care-for-a-cuppa/
Both @selinakylie and @Chris_22081 have telephone befriends - this might be worth investigating.
Hi @Mrs_Mulch The Phone Befriending Service @Melly1 mentioned is organised by our local Carers Support Centre. I was put in touch after going on a 6-week Walk and Talk scheme they also organised. This was a chance to meet up with a few other Carers - go for a walk for about an hour, then we tended to linger for a coffee and a further natter. I’ve made a few good friends through that, and we’re now organising our own walks.
The phone Befriender is similar - 6 weekly calls from someone, I only know her first name, and I can share as much or as little as I want. She was matched by the Carers Support Centre so we have similar interests and the like. I’ve had two calls form her so far and it’s been great to have someone to chat with. Rather like on here - she understands the pressures and we can talk about anything that’s bugging me without judgement.
It might be worth checking with a local Carers Support Service in your are to see if there’s anything similar operating. I’m fortunate that I can get out and about - usually only dog walking or a quick shopping run - but the extra contact has been more helpful than I realised it would be. It’s not like having to visit somewhere cos it’s just a phone call for up to an hour so not that intrusive.
My family have dropped away from us as have many friends since Graham’s stroke - as we can’t go out socialising and visits to us have to be limited as he gets very tired, very quickly. That’s left me quite isolated too. My plan was for Graham to retire at the end of this year and we’d sell our small business and I would work part-time so we could go out on day trips with the dog and enjoy ourselves. Well that went straight out the window!! Fortunate to have just a few good friends who are there when I need to moan and one couple in particular are great as they just seem to “understand”!
Hope to see you posting again and do look at dropping into “Roll Call” thread for a natter too.
Mrs. Mulch, I know money doesn’t make anyone better, but it can certainly make life easier. Make sure your husband is claiming all the benefits your husband is entitled to? Have you had an Carers Assessment, and asked Social Services what support is available to you? I’m sure your husband says he doesn’t want anyone else, but both of you need to consider what would happen if you were ill. Your health and well being is just as important as his.
Hello from me. Yes I do have a telephone befriender and she phones me most weeks at a set time. She has been carer herself. It is ongoing but at my Carers Support, there is a waiting list. We also have a local Carers Group but I find it quite hard to get out at set times.
Roll Call is a good place to share ups and downs and although we cannot promise answers, we can sometimes point you in the right direction. You do need to concentrate on YOU. Are you able to leave your husband alone for short periods? My husband is 85 and medically non compliant. I am frankly worried about him cooking as he is dangerous with the electric hob. So I try to go out locally for relatively short periods. He does not cook at set times and often goes for days without cooking but if you are worried about leaving your husband for safety reasons you really do have my sympathy.
Just a quick check-in to see how you are doing. Remember you are not alone. 
Thank you for asking. I had a week’s holiday and feel better now. My sister was run around a lot and now she is as stressed as i was. However i can support her now. Plus my dads care seems so undignified. He has carers 4 times a day but in between he cannot get to the loo. He has been told he will just need to soil himself and wait for the next carers to sort him out. Is this the normal level of care. I think it is awful.
Yes, that is the policy here too. In fact this was the issue that led my mum to move into residential care from hospital. Mum was always very fussy about hygiene. At home she always had a bath every day, using an Archimedes bath seat. I explained to her that there would be no one to help her to the loo after she lost the use of her legs after having sepsis. She couldn’t bear the thought of sitting in her own mess for hours.
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Well that shows your sister what you have to deal with all the time!!!
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@Helen_22061234…I really feel for you, my husband was in the same position.
My sister does do more than her fair share and she is a lot more resilient than me. As well as helping to look after my dad and my mum she also cares for her mother in law. It is just that if one of us is on holiday and has to do the lot it does get us down.
It seems totally inhumane to let old people be treated that way. You wouldnt let a child sit in a dirty nappy so why is it okay for an old person?
I get you now - I had thought it was something a bit new for her and she had suddenly found out how hard it can be dealing with Caring - so many of us find that with relatives who don’t take their share of the load.
What is the solution?
Especially for those who are immobile living at home alone?
@bowlingbun @Helen_22061234 This is just my opinion, but surely when it gets to that stage, a Nursing Home or Care Home is the only viable and humane option?
I have read that in some areas there are carers or nurses available on call round the clock. In rural areas like the New Forest, where I live, there was nothing like this.
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Ironically my dad lives in an assisted living facility where carers are available round the clock but they wont help him as they are not being paid to care for him! It was them rhat told him he would have to soil himself! Working on getting them to help him but will have to pay separately for this while the hospital team of carers are “caring” for him. Hoping when we get a proper care assessment done we can get this included.
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It seems totally heartless the way he is being treated and must be causing him huge distress.
Getting them to help is a far better solution than residential care. Is dad getting highest Attendance Allowance now? The cost of this care should have been included in a pre discharge assessment. Ask Social Services for an URGENT financial assessment.