I don’t want to do this anymore

I am a carer for my 57 year old mother who has frontotemporal dementia. Her condition had progressed rapidly in the last year and I feel like there is no end in sight. The thought of this being the sum of my existence for the next 5-10 years fills me with absolute dread. I am 24- I want my own life. I love my mother very much, and given every ounce of my energy to caring for her since she has been unwell, but I simply cannot do this much longer. Today I spent my morning cleaning faeces off the carpet 2 feet from the bathroom door, unable to get an answer from my mother as to how she made the mess and why she didn’t use the toilet. It hit me like a tonne of brick this morning- I do not want to give up the rest of my youth for days like this. I do not want to do this anymore. I cannot do this much longer. I don’t know if residential care is a suitable environment for my mother given her age, but as the same time I’m not convinced home is the right place for her either now.

Hi Ellie
Welcome to the forum
You don’t have to care for your Mother! It’s not about how much you love her it’s hers, and your needs that count.
My lovely husband was in a nursing home with vascular dementia and other issues. In the home was a much younger lady, 58. She had a lovely caring daughter who just couldn’t do all the things you are doing anymore. Very understandably too. Eventually she went to a home where lots of younger dementia sufferers lived as happily as possible. Contact social services and explain your situation. At 24 you are much too young too have chances of a happy life taken away. Dementia is cruel and gets worse as you know. You can oversee her care as I did my husband’s.
Others will be along with practical advise.

Hi Ellie & welcome

There is no need for you to provide all or any care to your Mother. Has there been a needs assessment and a carers assessment for you.


I think there is always a dread when thinking of care homes. Cares homes are in the main different these days, Yes, of course there are good and bad. As with everything in life if you do some research in your area. I think you might be surprised at the level of care that is provided. When individuals have high care needs. The bigger the team around them the better.

unable to get an answer from my mother as to how she made the mess

I’m not sure these types of conversations will do you and mother any good. As Mother may not even know she did it. As difficult as it is far better to just ignore. It’s not done on purpose!

You are a good daughter and it’s more than OK. To feel upset and wonder what does the future hold.
Your future is in your hands and you can certainly change it.