Hi Lizzie thanks for your reply. I have been getting support from someone at the Carers Trust - I have been able to call him whenever I’ve needed someone to talk to and he has kept on regular contact with me - checking up on how I’m doing. Thanks too for the names of the organisations to contact regarding my anxiety - I’ve had a quick look at their websites this evening but will take some time tomorrow to see what they can offer - I’ve been anxious for so long I’ve found ways to adapt my life even though some things I find impossible to do - it’s at times like this it just goes through the roof and everything becomes difficult.
Before I started to get a little life experience and so henceforth a little much needed wisdom, I would have weighed in on here with an angry opinionated venal reply about how your mum is an arrogant so-and-so and to give her a piece of your mind. If only life were so easy! Unfortunately, life is complicated, people are often painfully complicated and it’s all infinite shades of grey.
She is obviously hurting quite deeply, and when people hurt, we tend to lash out, and old age, experience and a long life is no guarantee that someone may act with decorum. But, if you don’t get help here, you’ll both be angry, hurting and resentful, and eventually something will give, an angry argument, a swear filled rant, nasty and deeply hurtful comments and this will highly likely help no one. What’s needed is a professional approach, with a strong nod towards compassion, but the solution is also about balance. You also have needs. We all do. You cannot be a self appointed martyr nor a suffering saint, we have to live in the real world generally. You cannot take the weight of all this on your shoulders.
Prayer helps here. The wisdom of God is infinite! I’m going through something similar, but not the same, and by asking God into my quite severe stress, and feelings of running away, some peace has entered the situation.
I have just re-read a post I put on the Forum in July 2019 titled ‘I can’t do this’
Well I am still doing it 3 years on!!
Covid was a blessing in a way because it meant my mother couldn’t return to France. She was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in November 2020 and given a 6 month prognosis - 18 months later she is still up and about although she is now starting to look unwell. Her cognition is also failing.
I feel quite angry that the Consultant we saw gave her this prognosis - I decided that I would give her the best 6 months I could if that was all the time she had left. As time has gone on I have doubted whether she even has cancer as she is not showing the usual symptoms associated with Pancreatic Cancer.
I managed to get her a lovely bungalow just before lockdown started. It is in a quiet residential area, with good neighbours and a garden where she can watch the birds and squirrels - it couldn’t be more perfect.
My siblings have not helped at all. My brother (lives in US) came over at Christmas and saw her for half an hour. My sister hasn’t seen her at all. I feel angry about this as well - that they have left me to manage this whole thing on my own. I can’t even speak to my brother now without arguing. His life hasn’t been impacted at all. He blames me for not putting her in an assisted living complex 6 miles away - he feels that I have created my own problems. My partner hates my mother for the effect she has had on our lives. He resents the time I spend with her. Today I saw a Social Worker about getting help - Mum doesn’t qualify for any help because she can still manage her personal care etc. I feel SO trapped - I just want to run away.
Suzanne
it is a shame your other siblings have not helped at all.
your mother has defied all odds and must be made of very strong stuff - my mother has outlived her life expectancy a few times over, seems to be strong as an ox regardless of her conditions, your mother probably fits that analogy.
First of all have you got power of attorney done so you can act in her interests? Is she receptive to that?
If she doesn’t qualify for help then can she pay for some private care?
Is she able to go to any day centre activities or can you involve a couple of charities for a sitting service where they will spend 2-3 hours a week or fortnight with her?
Can you book some meals on wheels?
You cannot buy back the time not spent with your mother, that is something your siblings and husband need to understand. Whether it is time at her home, assisted living or in a residential care, time spent with her/caring is time you cannot buy back when it is too late.
If your mother is able to mange for herself then your brother should understand that she probably didn’t qualify for assisted living. Things change, deterioration happens, assisted living could become an option.
I hope you can find some assistance to take the strain off you.