I am really struggling at the moment my dad is getting transferred to a nursing home from the care home which we are looking for he has advanced Parkinson’s and is having trouble swallowing. The cancer has spread to his neck and he is having palliative care. He is 89 but he is still my dad and I’m finding it really hard. On top of they the brother from London who never used to come and see him much has come the last 2 weeks on the run and is asking how much money is in his bank accounts which I’m not telling him about. I think he is just after his money 
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Hi @Nikki_Anne welcome to the forum, well donefor coming to ask for advice. Sorry to hear about your dad but he is going to go to the right place to be looked after which should give you a chance to get back to some normality. I would see the GP for something about being overwhelmed and maybe see a councillor to help you. As for your brother it does sound like he is after the money. Just make sure that he doesn’t take a solicitor to see your dad and get a will changed or have him make a new one.
@Nikki_Anne It’s been a long long journey for you. I hear you, BIG BIG hugs
In many ways for your Dad and you, I’m relieved he’s being transferred to a nursing home. This stage - especially if he has mobility and swallowing issues, is really tough to manage. Of course, it does NOT mean anything is easy, in fact I’m sure it’s tougher emotionally because you’re not hands on doing, as you were before.
I remember the arguments you told us about with your brother and how demanding or directing he’s been with you.
Good for you, not telling your brother about your dad’s finances. Despite all the turmoil you’re doing the right things.
The hopeful optimist in me really hopes that your brother is spending more time with your Dad as he realises there may not be a lot of time left, and he’s wasted what quality time he could have had up until now.
The realist in me is thinking that there’s a few things I’d do in your position
- check what bills your dad has been paying e.g. direct debits etc from his accounts, and make sure you know what is going in and what is going out and why. You probably already know this, but having it to hand means you can be sure of any ‘weird’ debits
- I think I remember you saying you already manage everything and that you have lasting power of attorney, right?
- I’d inform the banks and solicitor yourself about the current situation, and make sure they know it’s you they should be dealing with, no one else. Unless your brother is co-owner/has power attorney be assured there are MANY security checks he’d have to jump through to ‘get at’ the money
[we all know this because as carers those checks also work against us if we haven’t got every single confirmation AND additional pieces in place] @Charlesh47 @bowlingbun additional thoughts?
We’re right there with you @Nikki_Anne. This may sound like a weird suggestion but if you know what your dad’s favourite music is, you could play it when you’re with him, just sitting alongside him. Silence can be deafening, and tough to bear. Music can be soothing.
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My brothers were the same. Has your dad made a will?
We used to have a special section about what to do when someone is dying, but I don’t know where it is now. I know it’s awful, but you need to make preparations now, especially regarding funeral directors, how much they cost, which one to use. Talk to them and explain the situation, and tell the home. Then when dad’s time comes, it will be so much easier than doing it in floods of tears. Incidentally, once you have been invoiced for a funeral you just give dad’s bank the invoice and it will be paid immediately, no need to wait for probate etc.Also think about dad’s favourite music which might comfort him in his final days, and what to have at the service. Write it all down somewhere. Another awful suggestion is to Google Signs of Dying, you will find lots of information about how the body slowly shuts down, and why no one should be forced to eat or drink. I wish I’d known this sooner.
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Nikki_ Anne So many of us have been where you are now and it feels overwhelming. Just focus on what needs to be done - ignore relatives who are asking about money as you’ve already worked out why they are interested in Dad !
I echo everything the others have said and please remember there is support on here from all of us when you need it. Don’t feel alone, as you are not.
One final comment - BB is right - think about Dad’s favourite music, poems or prayers and have them ready. I mentioned in another post I spent a few hours near the end with my Dad reading through prayers to him and I am convinced he heard and appreciated it as his lips were moving even though he could not speak. If not prayers then some favourite passages from books and gentle music so his mind relaxes. A friend had her family together recently during her Mum’s last evening and they chatted amongst themselves and brought up stories and incidents from their family and laughed at the silliness and played her favourite songs as she slipped away. THEY all found that such a help as well.
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When my dad was in the hospice, mum and I were chatting about days gone by and our favourite walks when I was little. I then asked mum what was grown in the greenhouses we used to pass? All of a sudden dad said Grapes”. He’d been listening but the effort of speaking was almost too much. I’ve had a lot of operations, and know struggling to speak or move is the side effect of powerful sedation and pain relief.
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