Husband and stepson suffering with mental health - don't know where to turn

I first joined this forum almost 3 years ago about my husband’s mental health and suspecting my teenage stepson also might have mental health issues. now it is becoming very clear to me that my stepson does have mental health issues and I am struggling to try and deal with 2 people in the same household with the same illness. I run my own business from home and I don’t have the time or energy to be able to help them both. My stepson moved in with us 3 months ago and I feel resentful every day that he moved in and just wish he was back living with his mother. I feel shattered every day, not knowing what the day will bring. My husband doesn’t sleep well and has horrendous nightmares. he broke down in tears last night and is very tearful today. in the meantime, my stepson seems to have developed an alcohol problem and is a secret eater, lazes around the house doing nothing when he’s not working and has poor hygiene. My husband thinks he is to blame for his son being this way.

How old is the stepson? Who gave him permission to move in?!?!

He is 18. His mother is next to useless. Difficult to say no - my husband would never see his son on the street.

Am I a terrible person for wanting my stepson to move back to his mother’s? My husband was doing well until my stepson moved in and now is struggling because of his son and the effect it is having on me. My husband needs support of his own so clearly cannot provide his son with the support he needs at the moment. I can support my husband but i cannot realistically support him and my stepson at the same time. I am exhausted and stressed all the time.

Step one must be to accept that nothing is going to change unless you force it to change.

Your stepson is 18, and therefore has no right whatsoever to live with you and your husband. If he wants to stay with you, then he must abide by YOUR RULES or get out. Tidy his room, shower every day, stop raiding the fridge, stop drinking to excess. The choice is then his.

Are you the sole bread winner? What does your husband do while you are working? Is your work time exclusively yours? Does he do the dishes, the washing, etc. or just wallow in self pity?

What are you getting out of this relationship? Maybe have counselling to find a way forward?

To be honest, your role sounds like that of slave. Little respect, doing everything.

No, I suppose the difficulty is because his mother is so shockingly unsupportive (she’s the type who would say man up - she did this to my husband when my mother in law died, this kind of sums her up in a nutshell). I feel I need to step in and try and provide some support to my stepson as his mother is clearly incapable of any empathy. I’m definitely not a slave. My husband literally does everything else so I can focus on work. Difficult to tell if the stepson is just going through “normal” lazy crap teenage behaviour or if there is a mental health aspect. The lack of hygiene I know is common with teenage boys but it’s that combined with the secret eating and now drinking that is a worry. I don’t want to turn my back on him but don’t feel capable of giving him support, plus my husband as well as trying to run my own business.