How do I help my mum help herself?!

I feel I am at breaking point at the moment and don’t know where else to turn. My mum met her ‘ex’ partner when I was 15, it was difficult from the very beginning, he moved in very quickly and they were constantly arguing/drinking/ police called etc. He was always controlling and abusive and the developer a co-dependency. Fast forward 16 years later and she finally made the decision to leave him. I have always supported her practically, emotionally and even financially. I helped her to get a move to a new flat on the grounds of domestic abuse, helped her to apply to charities for grants towards the cost of moving, helped her to move, settle and even get some voluntary work as she was retiring at the same time. I really hoped that she would finally be happy (she never has been happy, all of my life) but now she is feeling really low and I think she is suffering from depression. She is also spending time with her ‘ex’ who she was so desperate to get away from??! I supported her to get a Drs appointment, GP prescribed meds and she doesn’t take them. I helped her to apply for counselling with a voluntary organisation- she is waiting for an appointment. And she has now told me she ‘doesn’t want to live any more’, that she has given up. I am just fed up with parenting my parent, and I know that sounds really cold but she doesn’t do anything to help herself and it’s so hard to hear that phrase from your own parent!! I am at a loss as to what to do!? I speak to her nearly every day and see her most weeks and always tell her I’m there for her. My partner has depression and I have recently found a lump in my breast which I am waiting to get checked and I can’t tell her how I am feeling, I never have been able to be truly honest with her about my own life as there has always been something she has been dealing with. I don’t enjoy spending time with her as she is so negative. I am at the point of just cutting ties as I’ve had enough but I do t want to do that! Sorry for the rant!! Any ideas???

Hi Rebecca,
I must tell you that I have no experience such as yours, but I do sympathise. It seems to me that of the three major problems you have in your life at the moment, your ‘lump’ and your own well being, a depressed partner and a very needy mother, your first priority should be your own health, then your partner and maybe not your mother at all.
Maybe the answer to your question is that you can’t.
It appears that you have done everything possible for your Mum and she won’t help herself at all, just relies on you to pick up the pieces. That’s not right and not fair at all. It seems to my inexperienced and completely unknowledgeable mind that she may have some MH problems? She may need some more help than counselling. However she has made her own choices all your life and you should not and cannot be responsible for her. She has to be responsible for herself, seek help and sort her own life. Choosing to make you responsible for her can’t be an option. Must not be an option. You would be right to walk away,reduce your input, you have problems of your own.
I hope your partner is willing to work towards his own improved mental health? I don’t know what he should do or who he should contact, others here will, but I do know he needs to make the effort.
You cannot possibly be all things to all people and the first person you must look after is yourself. A ‘lump’ is a very scary thing. I’ve had some false (luckily) alarms myself. Do get that sorted and fingers crossed, all will be well.
Keep posting. Ask whatever you want. Moan and vent if you need to. We aren’t all in exactly the same boat but we are still all adrift in the same rough seas.