Hi there,

I’m 36 and have 2 children and a carer for my 33yr old sister who is profoundly deaf and also has ASD.

To say my upbringing was easy would be a lie especially with her spending so much time changing schools as they could no longer cater for her needs.

Two years ago our world was broken apart when my mother suddenly passed away from a brain haemorrhage and the relationship I had with my sister dramatically changed and I had to step into the role of MUM whilst parenting a 5yr old and a 8 month baby.

Unfortunately my Dad is an incredibly poorly man with so many health conditions and imminent surgery looming which has been cancelled so many time due to the pandemic.

My sister lives with my Dad and has spent the past 10 months shielding with him which was incredibly challenging especially making her realise the limitations she can undertake whilst shielding with him.

My sister is an incredibly caring woman and spoils my children rotten but has no concept of money as well as responsibilities.

She has been in a relationship for the past 6 years and works part time for the NHS as an administrative assistant and previously worked 11 years in retail where she was treated horrifically.

For years I wished there was siblings in a similar position to me and the Surrey YC was created. By that time I was too old to join.

I hope there are siblings out there that can sympathise with me as I’ve spent a long time in therapy trying to find answers to questions regarding my sister.

Many thanks

Welcome & good morning Alannah

You have had a lot of your plate over the years. What a good daughter and sister you have been. But it’s time to get some me time.

Have you heard of …

What if any support to you receive from Social Services or any where.

It is time your sister stopped relying on you so much.
If she is in a relationship and can work for the NHS, then she isn’t totally helpless, but perhaps mum always did too much for her, and expects you to do the same?

However, you have your own family and your own children to care for.
What support is dad getting from health or Social Services?
Is he claiming Attendance Allowance?
Does he live in his own house, or is it rented?
If it’s a council house, then when dad moves out, the council may give your sister notice to leave, she will have no right to stay there!

I’m not saying this to frighten you, but you don’t want sister pleading to move in with you.
You have a RIGHT not to care.

Thank you for both your replies, I used SIBS just after I got married 8.5yrs ago and found them not very useful so I’ll probably see if anything has changed.

With regards to SS my Dad doesn’t receive any help and isn’t entitled to anything because of his age

You are quite correct my Mum did do a lot for her which does make her reliant on people for all sorts of help and advice not that she will listen!

You are both correct in saying I need me time but it is something I find incredibly difficult to do that as i always put others before myself.

With regards to her relationship she doesn’t live with her BF as they live in different areas so the pandemic has prevented them for seeing each other.

Their relationship isn’t what I would describe as “normal” as she is easily lead and had even two unplanned pregnancies which she miscarried.

I find it very hard to say no and will freely admit that I have to be in control which now has bitten me in the bum.

Regardless of your Dad’s age(?) he is entitled to …


And your are entitled to …


You don’t need to be claiming carers allowance for a needs assessment.

What is the long term plan for your sister. Should Dad no longer been available.

Hello Alannah
Welcome to our forum, I’m not sure if you are aware but we are currently running a series of online weekly meet ups for carers to get together and chat informally. People say they’ve found it really helpful and supportive and it’s nice to be able to take a little bit of time for yourself. There’s no pressure to share any more than you’re comfortable with. Join up details are here:

We are also now running a weekly Share and Learn sessions, where we run a series of fun and relaxed online sessions where visiting speakers who share tips and skills on a range of topics - please have a look at the link and see if one grabs your attention.

Do join if you’d like to, we’ve had a lot of new carers join the sessions recently and it’s a great way to meet other carers.
with best wishes

Thank you all for your advice I will work my was through it all.

@sunnydisposition hopefully she’ll be living with her bf by then and starting her own family but me being the realist I honestly have no idea as she has no concept of money!

Has she had any proper family planning advice???

You MUST step back from her, or you’ll end up running around her, her husband, and children for the rest of your life.