Hi new here - Solo carer for mother need help/advice

Hello guys,
New on the forum and first team reaching out to other carers for help/advice here: I am 30 yr old male looking after my mum on and off for past 10 years, officially on carers allowance for last 8 months or so. She has chronic anxiety and depression and is on the highest dose for most of her medications. Her anxiety is triggered very badly when there is a stressful situation and when that happens her anxiety gets so bad she turns to alcohol(hard stuff) as much as I try to help it and try all the alternatives. Counselling and therapy has been very useful for her but has had her allotted meetings via NHS and we dont have the funds for more counsellling.

The current stressful situation is trying to sort out the mortgage, it has come to an end after 15 years and her ex husband was supposed to pay it off but now no longer has the funds to do so. There is 80k left and the house is worth about 600k and we are trying to sort it but have had no luck as neither of us work so we cant get another mortgage. I occasionally have part time work but when she is as unwell as she is now I have to be around 24/7. Our options are to do equity release(which I have strongly encouraged) or sell the house but she refuses to do either due to her anxiety/hatred of her ex husband. I do not have power of attorney, even though it has been suggested many times that I do, also if anyone can point me in the right direction to sort that out would be much appreciated.

Anyway the main point is that before I have tried to stop her alcohol habits in previous rock bottom phases in her life by keeping her confined and refusing to give her any and she gets quite aggressive and one time she called the police because I was withholding alcohol and told her I was physically abusing her, it was quite traumatic because the police came and arrested me a few days later no questions asked and I was locked in a cell overnight, only released the next day as she sobered up somewhat and asked to have me released.
There is no option to help her detox in hospital because she never agrees to it and they only end up taking her in when shes knocking at deaths door and has hurt herself due to falling injuries etc.

I now know to be less controlling of her habits as much as it pains me and feel useless as I have to let her sabotage herself due to “safeguarding issues”.

She really is a nice person when she is feeling well and her anxiety/alcohol changes her into a different ugly beast and It is very hard to cope. Even after all these years I am very clueless and helpless as what to do when she reaches rock bottom, its been about a year since that happened and its looking like to happen again imminently. I haven’t been able to work and make any money and it is making me depressed because of it.
Now she is back on the alcohol i am petrified as what to do, I don’t want her to call the police again.

I am seeking advice for the police situation and advice as to what sort of things I can do to help her. Social workers are no real help and neither is the local drug and alcohol team, I would love to move out someday and have my own life (perhaps selfishly so) and been told by other family members to abandon her before but there is no other help out there if I were to do that without feeling like she can cope she would almost certainly die a slow death.
I am seeking advice for safeguarding issues facing me also

Also are there any carers meetups in London (im in SW) ive never been to one would love to meet some carers face to face. or some regular zoom ones would be up for trying.

I feel very alone in this endeavor as im sure a lot of carers feel and it sucks that there doesnt seem to be any help for people like my mother or me.

Thank you! Sorry for nervous rambling

Hi scrunch_2110

First of all, as a forum ambassador I wanted to wish you a warm welcome to the forum. While I know it will have been difficult to share your situation and to reach out for support, it’s a great step forward and i’m sure you’ll be able to connect on here with other carers who are in a similar situation.

There are a couple of different options for connecting with fellow carers for getting support from Carers UK should you need it.

Carers UK run online weekly meet ups for carers to take some time for themselves and chat to other carers. Feel free to join if you’d like to and there’s no pressure to share anything you don’t want to. I’m sure you’ll find many other carers are in a simiilar situation to yourself.

You can find information on how to register to our online meetups at the following pages:

Care for a Cuppa: Online meetups | Carers UK - the next online meet up is today (Monday 11 Oct), 15.00-16.00 with further sessions shown in that link. This social is a great way to have a little break if you are able to and spend some quality time talking to people who understand what you are going through right now.

Share and Learn: Share and Learn | Carers UK - these sessions range from creative writing activities to beginners Latin dance sessions.
I suggest you also get in touch with the Carers UK helpline to discussion your situation and what support is available

The Carers UK Telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (advice@carersuk.org). They can help provide support and guidance on:

  • Benefits and financial support
  • Your rights as a carer in the workplace
  • Carers’ assessments and how to get support in your caring role
  • Services available to carers and the people you care for
  • How to complain effectively and challenge decisions.