Hi - I’m Rob.

I live in Eastbourne and have a caring role for my Mum who has Vascular Dementia and Alzheimers. I have Power of Attorney for her money.
As Mum lacks capacity I always end up playing bad cop as my older siblings say she wants to give them money!!!
The latest is £5k each!!!
I am against it but am seeking advice as to where I stand.
Can they over rule me?
I am not bothered about being persona non grata with them, I put Mum first.
She literally forgets what she said within seconds.
She might, one day, see her bank statement and become emotionally distressed at the loss of 3 x £5kb
Money & family =. :cry::cry:

Thank you

Hi Rob,

Welcome to the forum.

I suggest you read up on Deprivation of Assets. Deprivation of Assets | Age UK

This is important as at the moment you are able to meet your Mum’s needs, however, often folk with her diagnosis eventually need more care than a family carer can realistically provide and she may need support from paid care workers too. Often this starts at home and often ultimately residential care is required.

Silly question probably, but do your siblings help care for your Mum?


Hi Rob,
It’s been a few years since I was my Mum’s attorney but if I remember rightly as your Mum’s attorney, you are legally responsible for her money and cannot give amounts like that away to your sisters (or even yourself) any more than you could to, for example, the postman or a passing stranger. IF Mum has been in the habit for years of giving cash like that away for birthdays for example and giving such sums would not endanger her ability to pay for future care, then you may be able to argue the case. However you should be keeping records of any of her money you spend on her behalf and the reason for the expense.
I suggest you refresh your memory of the legal duties and responsibilities of an attorney by going to the .gov website or others available and explaining to your sisters that it’s not actually within your power to give them sums of money, whatever Mum says, now that she does not have the capacity to make such decisions.
Hopefully Mum made a will before the onset of dementia and her children will receive what she wanted them to have when the time comes. In the meantime, by making you her attorney, she trusted you to look after her interests and you are legally bound to do so.
You are not the ‘bad guy’. The law says you can’t do that.

Hi Rob
You could contact the solicitor who dealt with power of attorney, and explain this situation. A letter could at your request be sent to your siblings to make them aware that they are not allowed to request sums of money however small or large from your mother’s account. Especially as she no longer has capacity to make such decisions. Her care is priority as is obvious to you but not your siblings. You are not the bad person in this situation but dare I say it, they are.

Hi Rob, just checking that you are claiming Attendance Allowance for mum? Council Tax Exemption?

Thank you everyone, yes we’re claiming what is allowed. I spoke to Adult Social Care and their initial thought is total agreement with me and I’m currently awaiting a call back once their team have discussed it further. I haven’t responded to my family yet, so that’s probably driving them nuts - I don’t care to be honest, but hey ho…

My sister moved in, nothing altruistic as she could no longer afford her home - I have made it clear on multiple occasions that, owing to the terms of the will from Mum’s 2nd husband’s death, that the bungalow HAS TO BE SOLD.
Ergo she’ll be homeless and will have to find her own place.
She’s always been selfish tbh.
My Brother lives in Norfolk, he’s had long periods of absence from the family and I’ve never fully trusted his ‘finding us’ again.
True Colours…

Sister NEVER takes Mum out, despite constant requests and now Mum says she doesn’t want to go out.
We’ve tried EVERYTHING, even having the dementia nurse round to tell her to get out.
But Mum says the weather is always bad, even with the sunnier days.
I will happily disown them when Mum goes but in the meantime she gets bugger all life.
Yes she eats ok etc. but they rarely get dressed out of their night clothes, again despite my saying DO IT.
Separate night from day, routine, not get up between 11 and noon and slob all day.

I didn’t sleep much last night to be honest…I can’t abide it anymore.

Thanks for letting me rant…

Hi Rob

Welcome to the Forum, I hope you are finding it interesting so far.

Just wanted to highlight that we are currently running Forum Focus, an opportunity for Forum users to hear more about Carers UK’s work.

Find all the posts here: https://www.carersuk.org/forum/48