Where do you start!!!

Just feeling quite isolated at The moment. Just need to feel I’m not alone as a carer. Have I made a huge mistake after 5 years of taking in and caring for a family member with downs and mental health issues. He lives with me and husband and our 2 children. I feel so guilty in even thinking this and writing on here but I’m at breaking point. Don’t get me wrong I love him to pieces and would do anything for him but the last six months his become very bad tempered and thus is taken out by screaming and shouting at myself. I feel I’ve dine everything in my power to make him feel loved and included but I’m failing miserably. He doesn’t agree with me working but without my job I’d be even worse. I’m not scared of him and I don’t feel threatened as it’s verbal but I feel this is now really having an bad impact on my children.

He was independent before but lived in a very small village where everyone knew him. Where I live is not safe for him to go out alone but he accept this fine until few months ago. He goes to college and groups which he loves and they say his no problem at all so it’s obviously something I’m doing. He has his own space in a building in my garden. I’m sorry for going on just wanted to let off without hopefully being judged!

Who is he? Is he a brother? I take it there are ‘learning difficulties’ in some sense if he is not safe to go out on his own? ???

Do remember that love is not always ‘enough’, and please also remember, because it is easy to forget, that NOT A SINGLE ONE OF US has any ‘duty of care’ towards another human being.

Please also bear in mind that HIS problems are not of YOUR causing.

AND, most important of al, that your FIRST ‘duty of care’ is to your children/husband. (How does your husband feel about this.)

As for him not wanting you to work (your caree, not your hubby!), that is absolutey and totally out of order. To my mind, sounds like he wants to ‘control’ you because of HIS problems.

I think, you know, from what you say the time has come (some time ago in fact!), for him to leave your household. Make plans accordingly, and do this with your husband ‘side by side’.

HIS problems are not YOURS.

His my husbands uncle. Yes he had severe learning disability. He has shouted when my husbands here but not to the extent of when he is not bcos he knows that if my husband heard he would go mad and tell me we need to find alternative arrangements. My mum in law is fantastic and Is so supportive we live very close but she is even getting to the point now where she’s suggesting him to go somewhere else. I just feel so guilty as it was my idea to take him in and care for him as he was ringing me constant and we were so far away. I’m so torn cos on one hand I’m fuming that his fine this to me and my husband says he knows exactly what his doing. The other night it was all about I should sit upstairs in my home and not down stairs!!! It’s jyst random things that are ridiculously silly. I said to him that I would look after him forever and I meant it but his just turned so nasty.

What are the alternative arrangements though. We don’t get any support from local council or social services.

Lou lou,
I’m writing this as the mum of a brain damaged son aged 39. In some areas M is severely damaged, he knows all his numbers and letters but can’t put them together to read or count. His road safety is very poor, but he can easily light up and drive a 10 ton steam roller! He doesn’t live with me, but now has a privately rented flat, with carer support. He goes to day services during the week, stays at his flat one or two weekends, and then comes home for the third. This is what your brother also needs. It’s not a question of whether or not you love him, but whether or not you can meet EVERYONE’S needs in the family, and still have a bit of space for “me” time.
When did he last have a Needs Assessment from Social Services, and you, a Carers Assessment? Is he receiving all the benefits he is entitled to?
The fact that he is shouting etc. suggests that he is unhappy. Coincidentally, I went to a talk about a new “Challenging Behaviour” team in Hampshire, and the move away from giving people shouting etc. more staff, but to work with them so they are happier in themselves, so no longer display the same behaviour.
None of us caring for someone with LD should pretend we won’t get ill or die, it’s so important that the person moves away from home while the carer is still around to actively support the caree to settle in and make sure he is happy in his new home, with appropriate support.
Ring Social Services and start the ball rolling.

Just read your last post. Your relative is a “vulnerable adult” and has a “severe learning disability” so they have a legal duty which cannot be avoided to assess and meet his needs. Legally, he has no right whatsoever to live in your home. If you evicted him tomorrow, legally you would be within your rights (although I’m not suggesting that as an option!)
When dealing with Social Services say that he MUST leave by…and set a clear date.

I am going to ring social services today. I just feel so guilty I can’t work out why he is so unhappy.

Thank you for talking to me xx

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