Hello! This is my first post

All about caring
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Hello

I registered a week or so ago and was overwhelmed by peoples stories on here. My Dad has recently been moved into a nursing home. They seem to be giving him good care. But he doesn’t like it. He has asked for a stick to get out of the bed. I bought him one - it stands unused in his room. Now he wants crutches to get out of bed with a view to getting home. I can’t tell him that wont work because that seems cruel, to deny him the hope that he may one day be able to go home. I can’t explain to him that for him to go home the only way really would be for me to become a live in carer because he can’t be at home on his own now with only carers coming in 4 times a day and what would happen over night? I am already wracked with worry as it is, trying to get used to being in a nursing home. I had hoped this would be somewhere where he could settle, read his books have meals with other people perhaps make some friends. But no he stays in his room, in his bed. Isolated and increasingly fed up and thinking of mad plans. That part is him, has always been him. Disassociating himself from the reality in front of him preferring to imagine a distant reality somewhere else. So here we are. Me trying to work out how to get his hearing aids fixed remotely, Googling how to say metastatic and trying to think of things I can send him in the post to distract him in between his frequent daily naps. He is 91, he’ll be 92 in September. Now I’m off to see my mother who lives independently about 40 minutes away. Closer but with her own needs and worries. I am an only child. This is hard. I have become a carer, worried about my work and our finances but in a situation which I want to end but not really because that will be final and then I’ll miss them both so much but two thoughts can exist at the same time can’t they? I don’t know. One day at a time I say to myself and have been saying to myself for months, years now.

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Hi and welcome to the forum. Reading about what everyone is going through is often overwhelming, but you may be surprised how much empathy and support there is here.

I cared24/7 for my husband for four years til he died last December. Those were the hardest years of my life. I do not regret one second of that time and I would do it all over again if I could or if I had to. We do it for Love.

Your situation sounds a bit like I had with my Dad - he moved in with us for a short time, then developed dementia and became argumentative and rude and began making up stories he told to everyone about me going to work and not leaving any food in the house - I would get home and find lunch I prepared for him thrown in the bin or family would call in wit cream cakes and have afternoon tea with him and he would deny that anyone had been near the house. He left the front door wide open and went upstairs and as his hearing was bad anyone could walk into the house. I later discovered why my dog became quiet - he was hitting him when I wasn;t looking! Friends of his were told that I was hitting him and it got to the point where my brother arranged for him to move out and eventually into a Care Home.

It was a relief for me but I was SO upset.

He would not settle there - even though that staff were amazing, food was lovely, he refused to mix with others and started making up stories about being pushed into a chair and told he could not leave til he ate all his food. Total fantasy! My brother only admitted there was a problem when he got phone calls every 20 minutes throughout one night reporting there were people sitting in his bedroom and trying to make him get on a train! Then he began to see what I had dealt with.

It is SO hard when a loved parent becomes awkward to handle. I still don’t know what the answer is. I would suggest that you speak to the Care Home Manager and get THEM to explain to Dad about walking sticks and crutches and everything.

If you DO consider giving up work - please think it through very carefully. It’s so easy to be sucked into a situation where you sacrifice yourself. If that happens it can lead to you resenting him and that’s unhealthy. Could he stay in a Care Home? What does his GP say? Has he had a full assessment yet?

A lot to think about and I am sure others will chip in with observations. In the meantime if you need to vent more - just do it - cos WE GET IT !!!

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Welcome to the forum. At one time we were caring for all four parents and a son with learning difficulties. I likened it to a shooting range at the fun fair. No sooner had you shot one duck then another popped up.
You mentioned metastasise so presumably dad has advanced cancer?
His behaviour in the home is not unusual. My mum was the same. I kept her out of a home for years, but finally after a number of hospital visits and numerous health issues, a care home was the only answer. It was lovely, the most expensive in the area. Mum loved gardening so I was pleased to hear it had a gardening group, they did trips out, it was like a hotel with nursing. All pointless. Mum refused to go to the dining room at all, never joined in anything at all. You have to have a good talk with yourself. Your parents are lucky to have a child, living nearby, able to help. They are safe, with a team of carers 24/7. Expect a list of jobs or moans every time you visit. You will never get to the end, so you have to control the amount you visit. Share your time between three people. Dad, mum, and YOU!
How much help does mum need?
How old are you? When did you last have a holiday? I know the stress you are under, constantly torn, when nothing is ever enough. Counselling was invaluable to me. Don’t keep thinking about what you haven’t done. Remind yourself you are doing ENOUGH. Visit dad before meal time, then there is an excuse to leave.

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Thank you so much. Yes he does have advanced cancer but is in total denial about that too so he pretends he is losing weight because he isn’t eating enough. Its all about adjustments isn’t it. He is being cared for so I should let go a little and not keep visiting as I have done when he was in hospital. I am trying to set up care for my mum at home, but she is resistant to that as well. So it feels as though I am always in a battle with everyone. I am 59 and trying to manage freelancing work but that requires a positive attitude and mindset which at the moment I just don’t seem to have. I think counselling is a good idea too. Will look into that

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Let dad pretend to himself that he’s going to get better. It won’t make any difference. Decide how many times a week you want to visit. Once would allow you time to concentrate on work
(I used to run a national club, sometimes ended up printing at 1am before setting off for Chorley from the New Forest at 8am next morning, then organising a lorry show, and driving home Sunday evening, so I understand your pressure!)

Then think about how to sort out mum to take that pressure off too.
Think carefully about what mum needs, not wants.
Then could it be avoided altogether done differently. (Flatten the garden borders?)
Could it be done by someone else? (Cleaner/home help, shopping)
What is it important that you do personally? (Money management).
Do you have POA for your parents?
Has dad made a will?
Have you thought about which funeral director to use, costs, etc.?
Last, but by no means least, go away for a weekend soon, to escape and chill out. Everything seems worse when you are shattered.

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@Vespucci26 Hi and welcome. I have been with these lovely people on here now for two years and they have literally pulled me through everything. I see you have liked one of my first posts when my mum was still at home and driving me insane.
I am 62 and have a sister who is unfortunately in a nursing home with psychotic schizophrenia, apparently brought on by the abuse we received from mum as children, so I too am dealing with this alone.
Mum was advised to go into care in February 2025 as her GP recognised that I couldn’t cope with her at home anymore. I have osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia. She chose a marvellous place but after a month starting causing havoc, telling lies about me and eventually tried to escape at Christmas time last year.
I realised through going to counselling, that nothing I did was ever going to be good enough so why try? Just today, the Care Home manager has moved her into a double suite at the home with a kitchenette and lounge area - hugely expensive and not needed of course - because we all want some peace. The condition is that mum stops “objecting” which was on its way to a hearing in front of a Court of Protection Judge in August.
Long story short, your dad is safe and well cared for. YOU are important, YOUR quality of life matters and you have already done everything you possibly can. My advice? Take a deep breath, maybe arrange some counselling as suggested and begin to believe that YOU ARE ENOUGH. Also, reach out on here anytime for a vent. I send you strength :people_hugging:

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Hi and welcome. Just wanted to pass on info that my mums mental health nurse gave me when mum had gone into respite but not out her room for 3 weeks. She is a covert narcissist but full capacity. We were chatting about her not engaging with nothing that helps her loneliness or anxiety and I said if she does go in a home she won’t mix. She is 93. Sema told me that she had not been there enough it tends to happen for the first 4/6 weeks but then most do realise it won’t change as unsafe at home. They then do so things. Mum in respite recently after fractures was there 6 weeks and to.d my son about the things she was doing by week 5.
Please think very carefully about giving up work. Lots of sound advice from everyone on here who may have been in a very similar situation

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Hi, and a big welcome to the forum from me as well. I’m sorry it’s taken a little while for me to reply, but as you, I am juggling a lot of balls, caring for my mum two days a week, working two days a week, trying to do things to help my physical and mental health and spend time with my husband, that’s on top of the normal chores that we all have. Although not, an only child, my sister lives in Canada and my sister-in-law is about five hours away. My sister‘s husband has Parkinson’s and so it is difficult these days for her to visit. My sister-in-law usually comes down twice a year. This year Mum has said she will go to respite when we go on holiday in September. So I think I get a little of how you are feeling.

My mum, has always said that she doesn’t want to go to a care home. However, last year, she decided that it’s absolutely what she wanted. She booked a room, and at the last minute dropped out. She’s 99, severely sight impaired, has cognitive problems, is going deaf, has chronic neck pain plus lots of other minor health problems. She still lives at home, but is only just about managing and she is lonely. She is not always the easiest person to be around. A long time ago, my husband and I realised that there is no way that Mum could come and live with us. I also could not stand to be with my mum every day 24 hours a day. I do not feel guilty about this.

Last year, I did a lot of research finding ways that Mum would be less lonely. I received a no on every suggestion. At that point, I was getting pretty burnt out and resentful of mum. Thankfully, I went on a carers course and learnt, that in a way, I was trying too hard, and it’s mum‘s decision, what she wants to do or not. I also learnt that it is not my job to improve her mental health and well-being. My mental health and well-being should be my priority. In addition, I should make sure that I tell people about my situation, and how I am feeling, and accept help whenever I can.

I do get tired, and have thought about giving up my job. However, it is a welcome distraction from caring, gives me something to talk about with Mum, who is really not capable of holding a conversation now, improves my well-being by mixing with other people, and sometimes I get time to cuddle dogs and cats. I am a patient care assistant at a vets. Of course, the money comes in handy too! Instead, I have reduced my exercise slightly. However, my horseriding and class are still a priority in my life, as is walking with my husband and a good friend.

I know, that my reply is rather long winded, but I thought that my story might help your decision making process.You should not feel guilty if you decide not to have dad home, and not to give up your job and your life.That decision is yours and yours alone. Think long and hard it’s a big thing to take on. Good luck.

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