Having a rotten time and need to sound off

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Hi

I’m in my early 40s, I care for my wife (mid 40s), we live in Scotland. I have ADHD/C-PTSD and she has a combo of ASD, ADHD, MS and some other issues still to be fully uncovered. I’ve been her sole carer part time between 2007 and 2014, her full time carer since 2014.

She has mood stability and mental health issues akin to Jekyll and Hyde type mood and personality swings which have led over the years to multiple abusive episodes with outbursts of threats of divorce etc and right now its the worst its ever been where she’s been out of sorts since before mid october 2025,

I’m stressed right out and I’ll be making a post as I’m being frankly belittled and treated with disdain by social work - despite the carer’s act (2015) being law in Scotland and myself having received carers direct support from the local HSCP for over 5 years now, the latest social worker (3rd in 5 and a bit years) has said to me “your wife is our client NOT you” and “you REALLY enjoy being argumentative don’t you?”(I got a gritted teeth insincere apology only after she tried to brand me as “angry” “furious” etc and WHY have you waited 2 months to raise this with me?, I calmly replied that no I’m “frustrated not angry” - it feels fruitless to complain as their line manager will not speak with me and instead I receive letters from either the person I complained about or one of their coworkers that says things like “<manager’s name> feels this is more than acceptable and in fact has decided ”, I complain the Health and Social Care Partnership and they just close ranks or just don’t answer.

So due to the issues outlined below, I asked them to suspend my carer’s direct payment, at no point did she ask about my welfare (despite being rated as in critical need), wellbeing etc, no her only question was akin to “oh so I take it you have stopped caring for your wife then?”

No faith in SPSO whatsoever as previous complaint about a doctor resulted in them looking the other way as much as they could. Ditto a complaint about a council dept (where repeatedly they had taken months to reply and this after repeated contacts were made)

So feels like I’m on my own and I’m honestly extremely tired, wife has been extremely trying to deal with over the past 4+ months and has uttered horrid things like “why don’t you just kill yourself” and “you know most people would just have walked out when their partner was diagnosed with MS, you didn’t have to stay” - which makes me feel honestly like a sucker and almost makes me wish I could go back to 2007 and do as she suggested and turn on my heel and walk away….worse this whole hellscape utterly ruined what should have been our 20th Wedding Anniversary and most unforgiveably of all - my grandma I was very close to died just before xmas and apart from a few days of relative normalcy, my grieving/mourning period was ruined by her frankly vile behaviour and everytime I think of my grandma now its tainted by the abusive and unstable outbursts from my wife.

Xmas was also a write off, she was fine on Xmas morning but then Ms Hyde came out just before xmas lunch and I then endured 2+ days of utter hell on earth which just compounded how hellish I felt as I was also in the midst of grief.

(I don’t normally feel this way…..its just I can’t and won’t take much more after 4 months of abuse, hyperemotional outbursts, her taking offence at every little thing and twisting its meaning to make me the villain, explosive anger including throwing things at the floor full force without warning & getting little or no help from mental health, having a locum psychiatrist downplay everything I have spoken with my wife’s psych nurse about (and which said nurse has heard on the phone) as “complex trauma and the rest is just normal relationship problems” and this chestnut - after my wife admitted to resorting to gaslighting, his response was “I’ve NEVER known anyone who ACTUALLY gaslights to admit to it”. Then have my wife throw a strop at home when I said I wasn’t happy at all with his approach and his downplaying things - where I was calm but she brands me “angry” and “wound up” and “looking for a fight” “wanting to start trouble”)

So I’m frankly at a low right now, giving serious thought to divorce but afraid of what social work for example will imply to housing (as we are council tenants)

Sorry its…..just……..too much to deal with and I’m just at the end of my tether lately…….I think my “marriage” is either close to unsalvageable or is already beyond the point of no return :frowning:

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Hi @burnedup-burnedout and welcome.

I’m by no means a legal expert, especially when it comes to Scottish law, but it sounds to me as if the whole social work team is sadly lacking expertise in the law that governs their activities.

I understand your frustration, and my first thought is that while separating from or divorcing your wife is an option, it will msot likely make you homeless. Frying pan, meet fire…

A first step might be to talk to your GP. A referral for counselling might well help you to clear your head enough to work out next steps. One example would be to look at the current tenancy: if it’s in joint names, do you need to be taken off the tenancy before making yourself homeless? Can you get on the housing register or are you restricted to approaching private landlords? If you’re in work, that will be easier than if you’re not.

Would your wife cope in any way without you there? If not, social services will have to step in. The big question then is whether she can live independently with support or needs other accommodation. That raises other questions.

Basically, you need to be prepared for the fact that this is going to be a lot more stressful, whatever you decide, before things improve. Seeing your GP and getting a referral for counselling will give you a chance to gather your strength first. You will need it.

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@burnedup-burnedout For what is worth I can relate to a lot of your post and Charles comments ‘it is likely to get worse before it gets better’. No advice as such. How old are you and your wife? Forties? So if she is in relatively good health physically she could go on for years.

My circumstances are slightly different as my husband is 86 and has co morbidities and has nearly died several times over last 12 years = acute on chronic brain heamatoma, Loss of kidney function down to 8%/Septiceamia, Pulmonary Embolism and 2 years ago severe food poisoning. He is very medically non compliant. I would LOVE to stop caring and divorce him but the grey area is the house which is mine but given length of marriage, 35 years and the fact that his pension pays for al of the upkeep and day to day expenses he would obviously have a right to half. So if I instigate divorce not sure what would happen. My only hope is that if he goes into hospital I could refuse to have him back BUT he would have to have gone so far downhill it would be deemed impossible for him to function independently.

Can only send you a cyber hug. It is so hard as I do not have Adult Social Care involved but reading posts like yours do not exactly fill with confidence with regard to reaching out.

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Long ago, about 1972, I met a lady about to have her 50th wedding anniversary, I offered my congratulations, but she was clearly unhappy. “It means I’ve been married to “that” (husband in other room) for 50 years.
I went home and told my new husband that if either of us felt like that, we should agree to call it a day. Two unhappy people sticking it out until they died. Two lives ruined. Never happy, no chance of ever being happy, or even quietly content, ever again.
Home is supposed to be our safe place.
If you stick it out, how will you feel in 20 years time?

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Agreed, @bowlingbun I remember working with a carer about 25 years ago - sadly no longer with us - who had planned to leave her abusive husband on their 50th anniversary. He had a massive stroke the day before, and she cancelled her plans - all because she was too concerned about what the neighbours might think.

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Hi mate. Sorry to hear your are having a poor time. Looking after a loved one is not easy. If it’s any consolation, I’m having similar trouble with the health authorities. My has had a stroke over 6 months ago and the people I’m dealing with are uncooperative. From my mum social worker to the care home management (in Salford, I live in Wythenshawe, Manchester). I know your situation is different, since your wife has very bad mental health problems. Have you consulted mental health counselors in your area? Is she having medication to help with her mental illness? Have you approached your friends and family members about this situation? If not, please consider it. Your health and wellbeing is just as important. Let me know how your getting on.