Hard to cope with rejection

All about caring
1

Hello

I finding it hard at the moment to cope with being pushed away and rejected and generally being made to feel like I’m the enemy.

My fiancé’s mental healt is at a big low point right now and at the moment most of the time when I try to suggest things to help I get snapped at and accused of things and just being made to feel like an outlet for stuff to be taken out on me.

I have never been a very loving person in the sense of giving hugs or being lovey and it has always mostly made me feel uncomfortable. This is something my fiancé has known from the get go. So recently his mental health has taken a downward spiral and he needs a lot of understanding and is always asking for cuddles and being reassured etc. This is something that I have really pushed myself to do even when I’ve really been uncomfortable with it I have forced myself in order to be there for him.

So I know it’s all well you love someone that what you do for them but sometimes when I’m trying my hardest and it gets chucked back at me or I get pushed away and shut out it hurts more because of how much I have pushed myself to do it in the first place. I guess the main thing is I feel like I try my hardest to give all I can and understand all I can but I don’t get anything back or any understanding given to me.

So anyway I was just trying to give some context to the question but does anyone have any advice on how to cope with being shut out and rejected or having things taken out on you.

2

I’ve been a “cuddly” person for as long as I can remember, and I can’t imagine loving someone without wanting any physical contact at all, especially with someone you love.

Are you really talking cuddles, or are you shying away from sex?

Do you know why you don’t like having cuddles?

3

It’s not that I don’t want physical contact it’s just that it has to be on my terms. Sometimes I just have days where just someone touching my arm can make my skin crawl. Me and my fiancé have always had the understanding that some days I need more space than others. This doesnt detract from how much I love him in the slightest and we still have a loving relationship it’s just that I maybe want a bit less contact then the average person. I still try and make the effort on bad days to not let that feeling rule me and I make an effort at a minimum to accept physical contact.

A lot of the time once I’m over the actual act of initiating anything I feel better it’s just the first part of actually starting off that is hard.

But at the moment none of that is relevant really because I have ignored the feeling and forced myself/told myself not to be such a cold heartless person that I might come across as. I’ve never given so many hugs or had cuddles for so long and even when it’s not asked for I am still initiating it myself but that’s what makes the whole part of being rejected a whole lot harder because I’m working really hard on this and I feel like it goes unnoticed.

I realise I sound like a selfish person.

4

I don’t see this as selfish at all.

However, if you feel constantly rejected, pushed away, as if you are “the enemy” to use your words, I can understand that you want to withdraw from physical contact. It’s a two way street, love and be loved, and it sounds like because you feel “the enemy” you don’t want a cuddle.

Have you told him that this is how you feel? Have you thought about counselling from Relate?

5

At the moment I can’t really say anything about how I feel as it always leads to making the situation worse.

I don’t think I have heard of relate before and I’ve though about couselling before but don’t really know where I would start.

6

I’m not a tactile person either and at first I found it really hard when joining a group where every constantly hugged each other when they met when they left but I’ve settled into it a little now but quite frankly it’s not my thing, maybe because I came from a family who rarely touch each other and support comes in the form of telling someone how stupid they are. For me the concern in what you write is that you are pushing yourself with no support, this is taking it’s toll on you and if you wish to continue making progress over pushing yourself can send you backwards. Can you speak to your GP? They can refer you for counselling…it may take a while and it may not be for you {It was my fourth attempt before I got anywhere with it} but unless you try you won’t know. In the meantime is there a way of channeling your feelings, through art, craft, writing, some kind of exercise e.g. I used to use swimming, swim faster to work off frustration and beat out negative feelings then slower for calming and relaxing.

7

Relate is the new name for what used to be called Marriage Guidance Counselling.

After I was bereaved, I found a book called “Starting again” issued by Relate, it was designed for people who were divorced, but I felt was much more appropriate to me that the traditional books for those who were widowed, for personal reasons. It was written in a very easy read way, you could read a few pages at a time.

I know that you can go to see them individually, or as a couple, but that they probably have a waiting list.

If you are a very private person who finds talking about feelings difficult, it might be worth having a look at their website to see if they have any other books, relevant to your situation. Or go to the library or book shop (if there is one left near you!) and see if anything seems relevant.

I always prefer to look at the writing style before buying a book. Someone once recommended a counselling type book written by an American couple, it was so intensely irritating, both the language used, and the American grammar, that I just gave up with it.

I found counselling very helpful, after a very difficult start when the counsellor asked me how I was feeling. It’s difficult taking the lid off a bottle I’d kept tight shut for a long time. After five weeks of me not saying much, we finally reached an understanding after I turned up extra early to a session. He arrived on a powerful motorbike in full leathers (I had no idea he was a biker as he changed before counselling sessions) and I told him about the motor bike I owned in Australia which I rode in hot pants and a midriff top!!

So if you have counselling, it may feel that it’s not getting anywhere for a few weeks. To start with the counsellor will want you to talk about things not closely related to your problem, just so he or she can get to know you better, learn your strengths and weaknesses.

I nearly gave up by Week 4, but I persevered, and I can honestly say it changed me for the better. I could not change my elderly disabled mum, but I could change the way I reacted to her requests for me to do an endless stream of jobs!

8

I can understand your pain. Any good relationship requires equal efforts and contribution from both the partners. If one of the partners is not making any effort then obviously it creates problem between them. First, you need to clarify whether he is interested in you or just passing the time. Maybe he also does not want to be with you that’s why doing all this intentionally.

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