guilt always

it is some 14 years since my ex partners accident that caused his severe brain injury. I looked after him for about nine years, then he went into independent living. we are still close friends and I see him regularly.
what I’m left with is deep deep guilt that always makes me destroy my life, no matter how happy I could be.
I know from working with counselling I have complex ptsd as a result of his brain injury and the life that followed, a hard life in care, with all of the heartache of bad care, and accusations always flung at you whenever you try to raise concerns.
I can’t seem now to let myself be happy and have a future. there are always concerns with his care, and when they come I completely forget my own life to help him, and so the cycle continues. I can’t stop caring. I can’t allow myself to be happy and put my own life first. I am perpetually stuck trying to protect him at total cost to my own life. I’ll push anyone away when I’m fighting for him, he’s all that matters.

You need a break, you’re exhausted. After I was widowed, survived a car accident that nearly killed me, 2 knee replacements, the death of my brother, mum went into a nursing home for the final year of my life. I learned to live and laugh again in a single travellers only hotel in Crete. My youngest son was brain damaged at birth, he’s now 41, jin supported living. I know that I need to take 2 weeks away from caring so I can cope better with the other 50 weeks.