I currently am in year 6 of caring for my Dad after brain injury, having lost my Mum last year to vascular dementia.
Each day is painful to see Dad suffering now in a nursing home and the guilt that goes with it… I wish I had a better coping mechanism.
Hi Gloria,
welcome to the forum.
Seasoned carers on here, caring for those with dementia, brain injury and other life changing conditions advise to replace the word “Guilty” for “sad.” E.g.
Each day is painful to see Dad suffering now in a nursing home and the guilt that goes with it.
Each day is painful to see Dad suffering now in a nursing home and the sadness that goes with it.
Yes, it must be very sad to see him suffering, but you have done your best to make sure he is in a place where he is cared for 24/7 and has what he needs. I’m sure you visit him and let him know how much you still love and care for him.
The best coping mechanism is to look after yourself too; eat well, exercise, rest, do things that enhance your own mood (there are ideas for the last one, here: https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support-and-advice/carers-health-issues/positive-ways-to-cope-with-low-mood-12505 If you look after your own wellbeing you will be better able to cope and to support your Dad better too.
Melly1
I can relate. Feeling sad myself today. My Dad died in Feb after over 15 years with a progressive neurological illness. He died in a specialist nursing home where he was wonderfully cared for by specialist staff. But he always wanted to come “home” and blamed me, myself and my sister for his being there. His last words were “eff off”.
My Mum is at home living with Alzheimer’s.
I stopped feeling guilty as it is not my fault they are/were ill. I do my best but it often doesn’t feel enough. But it is what I can manage without breaking myself or my family.
Please be kind to yourself.
Gloria
STOP beating yourself with guilt. Because you are caring for Dad you probably haven’t yet fully grieved for Mum and this “guilt” is just natural sadness coming out. It is sad to have cared for both and to lose them with in short time (I know Dad is still here but I sense the grieving has started, as it probably did before Mum went)
You may well find that talking though it all with a trusted third party helps, yes I am talking counselling or finding a supportive local group. CRUSE is the bereavement charity that has links.
What you a are going through is normal and natural but you don’t have to go through it alone or unsupported
Kr
MrsA