I’ve been caring for my 94 year old Grandmother for over two years now. Her health has been progressively getting worse and it has become harder for me to cope.
I believe deep down I care about my Grandmother but she never was an easy person to love, she’s always been cold was never very nice to my Dad and thinks Adolf Hitler was basically a good person. She also tried to murder my Grandad if that gives you some idea…
Anyway perhaps I am writing this to try and justify my feelings but in reality I know deep down that I don’t love her and I am entirely fed up with caring for her. I am 28 now and I feel like I am wasting the best years of my life, fortunately my family are generous and are paying me more on top of my carers allowance and I am completing an access to university course while I am doing this, which has been difficult as my Grandmother can be very demanding and there are days where I get little time to myself.
To top it off I have been very lonely, especially with the covid lockdowns. I am been unable to see friends or pursue any kind of romantic relationship. This has left me frustrated and depressed. My Grandmother gets infections a lot which basically makes her go demented, when this happens she throws things such as her drinks. She bangs her table and shouts and she can say unpleasant things.
As her health worsened I’ve been fortuitous to get some support from the NHS in the form of daily visits from carers who are helping me with personal care since my Grandmother has now lost almost all mobility below her waist and I was beginning to get a bad back.
I’ve been experiencing real insomnia last night for example I barely slept, and was still dosing in bed at 7am when the carers arrived, unable to sleep. I feel my health is beginning to suffer and I have lain in bed at times wishing I had some way of disappearing, I’ve even had suicidal thoughts which I think are becoming less prolific now as my course comes to an end. (so could be linked to academic stress too). I’m just tired, frustrated, lonely and fed up. I’m not proud of my self pitying and I try and actively stop myself but there are times when I just want to wallow, but I cannot because I am reminded every few minutes by a yell or demand in the next room that I’ll never have a peace of mind while I am staying here, and the cycle continues.
I guess I just wanted to vent. Thanks for taking the time to read this if you got this far.
Hi Joe,
Your family are using you as a scapegoat to do things they don’t want to.
Residential care for someone with dementia costs around £1,000 a week. I don’t know how much they are paying you, but suspect it’s nowhere near that?!?!
It’s time for you to leave, just go on holiday, stay with a friend for a week and ask them to step in, to enable this.
Once they realise how much you have been doing, how bad your grandmother is, things have to change.
Obviously it’s not close to 4k a month but it is enough for me to save some money. I plan to take a week off and stay with my best friend. I need a break and I am becoming more and more drained.
I’ll have a word with my family regarding getting more support as I am at the end of my tether with it all now and am barely functioning myself.
Thank you for your words, just getting a response with kind advice gives me a pleasant feeling that I am not alone and I really appreciate it.
Firstly, you have to decide if you are
a)able to carry on with a LOT more support, or
b) if you want to give up altogether.
This is your choice alone, no one can be forced to care.
However, you might want to study and care for her some of the time?
What sort of care jobs do you want to give up, cleaning, laundry, food prep or ?
Make some notes, I find that if I write things down in any order, then put them in order of priority, it really helps to make a decision for the best.
I will have a word with my family. The pressure is getting too much for me, and with my coursework is also suffering. They’re not unreasonable people and I hope they’ll understand. I might ask for 2 days off instead of only 1 too. I’d have a lot more time to work then. Thank you for your response and advice.
Hi Joseph, I can understand why you feel depressed.
It sounds like you’ve been giving too much time to your nan and not enough time to yourself.
It’s very important that you have time to do things that you enjoy doing, so that you have something to look forward to. You need to strike a balance between work and everything else in your life. As the Covid restrictions start easing then hopefully you will be able to start meeting up with friends again. You are not alone - lots of us have felt lonely and isolated during the long Lockdowns, especially us carers.
Tell your family that you need to have 2 days off each week. This should help you. Plus you are entitled to annual leave - so that’s a great idea about staying with a friend.
Most of all remember it is YOUR CHOICE whether to care at all or not.
If you don’t want to care seven days a week, tell them you are going to care for five.
They are not your employers there to tell you what you can and cannot do.
The only power you have over them is the power you let them have!
Welcome to our forum, we’re currently running a series of online weekly meet ups for carers to get together and chat informally. There’s no pressure to share any more than you’re comfortable with. Join up details are here: https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/get-support/online-meetups
We are also now running a weekly Share and Learn sessions, where we run a series of fun and relaxed online sessions where visiting speakers who share tips and skills on a range of topics - please have a look at the link and see if one grabs your attention. https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/get-support/share-and-learn-online-sessions
Do join if you’d like to, people say they’ve found it really helpful and supportive and it’s nice to be able to take a little bit of time for yourself.
with best wishes
Ingrid
My parents are divorced and my mum who is my grandmas daughter lives 150 miles away. My dad lives nearer and does come over fairly often to do jobs round the house or garden. I have looked after my grandma for the last 5/6 years and in the last 2 years particularly she has got worse with more falls and health issues. I do jot work as looking after her is almost a full time job and as she does not get the relevant benefits I cannot claim Carer’s allowance. Practically every day she moans, criticises and insults me. She is not the type of person who would want to go into a care home or nursing home plus my mum has told her she wouldn’t put her in one.
It is your mother’s responsibility not yours.
Why doesn’t nan have Attendance Allowance?
Who manages her pension?
Does anyone have Power of Attorney?
If nan falls, you MUST call an ambulance. In turn, they will left the GP.
Does nan own her home?
Is mum an only child?
Nan is exempt from Council Tax.
Has anyone claimed this exemption?
You and the rest of the family must look at what an NEEDS not wants. No one wants to go into a nursing home, but she NEEDS 24 hour care. Domestic abuse is not acceptable, whether physical or verbal.
Mum needs to let you live your young life.
nan owns her own home and still manages all her finances, bills, pension etc and still thinks she could manage alone. My mum is her only child and I am also an only child and she is my only grandparent and I believe my mum and I have power of attorney. My mum is firmly against putting her in a home and won’t and due to her working and living so far away that is why I have had to care for her . Nan’s doctor is aware about her health issues but she is very reluctant to acknowledge me as her carer. Whenever she insults or criticises me she then turns it round on me saying I’m rude to her or a liar etc