End of summer, stepdad died of cancer - now just been told mum has developed it again

FYI: There’s really no “point” or question to this post. I am simply having a massive moan about my situation.

There’s a “meme” that each year since 2019 has gotten progressively worse. It’s not even a joke for me anymore.

This year, in July my stepdad died of cancer. To be frank, I did not have a good relationship with him so I was not really affected, but I had to help him, by way of taking the strain off my elderly mum who initially was looking after him, herself.

Now, just before Xmas we were told that mum has developed cancer again. Not the same, different one… but spread between at least 2 organs. Waiting for results of CT scan soon to know full extent.

A few days before being told THAT. my work “let me go” which is just a bullshit way of saying “firing” because I took too many days off between November and December, for being sick myself and looking after mum.

Did I mention in October she was finally formally diagnosed as having Alzheimer’s and Vascular dementia?

I am staying in mum’s council house with her, which my partner and I were clearing, getting ready to give it back to the local housing authority in February - and mum was to move in with us.

Now, I don’t know if mum will be having any treatment (I am assuming they will say she is too frail for anything - she’s underweight) but if she will be, there’s a clinic literally 6 minutes drive down the road from her house.

So, if that’s the case I will be stuck staying here looking after her - 4 hours away from my own house, and my partner.

The day after I got fired, I rang up and requested an Attendance Allowance form for my mum and when she can get that - if she gets that - I will apply for Carer’s Allowance.

I’m also waiting to be named as mum’s POA. The woman I spoke to said it should definitely be done by mid January. This is after sending it off, with a solicitor’s help, in May.

I simply can’t be away from my partner again. I was away from him so much last year while I took weeks off and came and stayed 4hrs away from him and our house, to stay with my parents to help them. If anything else happens I think I’m just going to sit down in the middle of the road and not get up again. Just lay down there and go to sleep or get run over by a bus. Whichever happens first, really!!!

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I’m so sorry to hear this.
I’m not sure what to suggest except to ask if you are getting any help?
Others will be along asap I’m sure.
I wanted to acknowledge you and say rant as much as you need!
Definitely not healthy to be away from your partner for such long periods

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Hi Sarah,
You have a lot to deal with at the moment. I’m not surprised you feel as you do.

Your Mum should be entitled to Continuing Health Care funding which will take care of her funding for care which should take some of the pressure off you.

I’m sure you don’t have the reserves to take on your work place at the moment with so much going on, but when you do, it’s worth looking at the ACAS website or contacting your union if you belong to one to challenge your dismissal. Even if you don’t want to go back to that work place, a payout would be useful.

I suggest you contact the helpline for further help and suggestions also:

Our telephone Carers UK Helpline service will continue to operate Monday to Friday over the festive period. You can call 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm, including Christmas Eve, Bank Holiday Monday and New Year’s Eve. Our email advice service (advice@carersuk.org) will be available with a reduced service from 22-24 December, and will be closed 25 December to 3 January.




Thank you, both. I have links and phone numbers to AgeUK for advice etc I’ll be certain to check what benefits mum and I might be entitled to.

It’s just such a headache because I live in Lancashire and mum’s house (where we’re staying right now) is in Berkshire. Not sure how this will effect our applying for benfits… guess I shall wait and see. Just want to get New Years out of the way first and, as I said, am waiting on CT scan results… oh and blood test results should be back tomorrow or Fri, Dr told me…

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I found it helpful colour coding things. For example blue denotes operations, red represents medical appointments, yellow indicates finances and green means community care stuff. Other colours like purple and orange were used to file things like paperwork and legal stuff. Try it. I bought a folder for this purpose.

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Hi Sarah, moan as much as you need to, you’re under so much pressure. You might have already tried this but I was given a MacMillan benefits officer’s contact details, she’s based with our local council, and she checked and applied for benefits on my Mum’s behalf after she was diagnosed with cancer. I hope you find a way to get through this x


Thank you everyone. Things have deteriorated, even since this post. Mum went - and came back - in hospital. We are talking 6 months. But the way she is eating and eating and now coughing I am assuming myself, even 2 - 3 months. My partner is coming over tonight and staying until Sunday. Macmillan is helping me. Can’t write more right now because I’ve started off again. Thanks though.

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