Elderly parents unwittingly give inpatient care to my brothe

New to Carers Connect
1

Hello there

I am new to the forum and desperately want to know if anyone else is in a similar position please?

My twin brother (age 41)has suffered from severe and enduring anxiety, depression and OCD ever since adulthood. Over time it has stripped him of the ability to have relationships outside of the family, to cope with a job, or any kind of meaningful occupation. Other than seeing our elderly parents and me (we have no other siblings) he has been a complete recluse for many years. He is practically nocturnal and completely withdraws from almost any social contact outsode of the family. He is thin, badly neglects his hygiene and appearance, and relies on our elderly mum for making sure he is getting nutrition, for his washing, and on our Dad for form-filling/ benefits and tenancy admin. He wants to stay living alone in his flat but mum keeps having him over to stay at theirs for a few nights every fortnight. He refuses medication and is apparently too paranoid to take it. Every few months, if something stresses him he becomes detached from reality and mutters and looks at things that arent there.

He currently is wearing wet shoes with holes in even though he owns new ones, as he cant cope with change. He wears just a couple of outfits day in, day out. He has had social care assessments and doctors appointments. They offered him support but they believe him when he tells them hes just fine without it. My son recently got diagnosed with autism which makes me worry he may have it too, but he is too paranoid to entertain discussion about it.

He isnt technically posing a danger to anyone but if he were left to live alone im sure he would self neglect so badly he would be sectionable within a couple of months or less. My mum wont let this happen though and keeps believing she can nurse him back to health at her house, but he refuses to change his lifestyle and relapses soon after he goes back to the flat. I go mad with worry for the future when they can no longer care for him but i have my own disabled child plus another and cannot care for him?

2

Don’t even think about it. Your disabled child comes first.
It took counselling to make me realise that my son with LD had to come first, the rest of the family had to look after themselves more. Mum was housebound but perfectly capable of asking her carers to do things, all I needed to do was look after mum’s finances. Dad had always done this until he died, mum was hopeless, just so long as she knew there was enough for her to order from her catalogue, she was happy. I used to manage accounts for a hospital, so it was easy for me.

3

Hi Emma and welcome

What ages are your parents?

Do they understand or realise they are enabling your brother. To remain as he is and I know that sounds harsh. Has MIND UK every been contacted. There maybe an element of depression.

Your brother can actually do as he wishes. If it doesn’t effect other people or others having to provide help. He doesn’t have to wash or engage etc. If he’s made a conscious choice. Proving it’s not a conscious choice if a difficult one. And although your brother has already engaged with services. And decided he doesn’t want outside help. Your parents need to disengage little by little. So eventually he excepts the services that he needs to live independently.