Hello,
I am married and have been caring for over 25 years after my wife had a stroke. I raised my two children from being a baby and a toddler to adults who have now left home. I continue to work, pay the bills, mortgage, etc.
It is becoming really difficult to continue caring as her condition is getting worse due to her being deliberately immobile. I feel she being unreasonable and she will also not give me a break (respite). I no longer have any emotional attachment left.
What options do I have?
I would be grateful for any advice.
Thank you.
G.
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Hi Girish. Welcome to the forum.
First of all, you have the legal right to refuse to provide care. The simple way forward is to contact your local social services and explain the situation. Make it absolutely clear that you do not wish to continue caring under any circumstances.
This is a huge decision and you need to be very clear that it is what you want. If it is, then set a reasonable deadline to allow them time to get something sorted out - bearing in mind that if your wife has mental capacity, she can refuse help. If not, then a best interests decision can be taken by social workers.
BUT get advice from your local carers support services as they will have local knowledge about how responsive the local authority is, where there are problems getting care support, etc. As BB (another of our members) says, Knowledge is Power.
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It may be worth you seeking legal advice too. But I totally agree, contact your local Carers Carers Support group too for local advice. I would keep detailed records of what help she requires on a day to day basis. It wont be an easy decision but you have every right to a life too.
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While you can refuse to provide care, you must have a alternative plan in place. The plan must be suitable. I recommend talking to someone about your options. Perhaps a competent social worker can help you find out about local appropriate care homes. Other options include finding and training paid for carers and hiring live in carers. Always make brief summary notes. Good luck.
Thara, your advice is rather misleading. A carer can withdraw from caring at ANY time. It’s not the responsibility of the carer to find some alternative, but Social Services.
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HI Girish, welcome to the forum. You have done enough, it’s OK to say “I can’t do this any more”. Is your wife now developing dementia do you think? When did your wife last have a Needs Assessment, and you a Carers Assessment?
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Hi Bowlingbun,
Thank you.
My wife does not have dementia but has had cognitive issues since her stroke. This is only noticeable to people who regularly interact with her (friends & family).
Social Services do an assessment every year and I have had a carers assessment this year and was allocated 4 weeks.
I am pleased to have found this forum and thank you everyone for your responses. I thought that I did not have many options but it is good to know that I do not have to continue and being continually be taken for granted.
I will try to find a local carers support group. Are there any suggestions. eg. Carers UK.
Thank you everyone for your suggestions!
Best Wishes,
Girish
Hi Girish. It’s official. I’m an idiot. I forgot to put in a link to the CUK directory of local services: Support where you live | Carers UK
If you click on this, there’s a search facility to help you find a group in your area.
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Thank you for the link Charles. 
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Hello Girish - thanks for posting about your situation in Carers Connect. In addition to the suggestions from other members, you would also be very welcome to join our Care for a Cuppa sessions which we hold every week on Zoom. This is a friendly and supportive group of carers from across the UK and (a little like this forum but on video) a safe space for you to share how you are feeling with other carers who will understand the challenges you are facing.
We usually hold Care for a Cuppa sessions on a Monday afternoon (3-4pm), apart from the first Monday in the month when we hold them on a morning at 11am. We also hold a monthly session on an evening which might suit you better due to your work commitments.
You can find further details through the following link and register for any sessions you’d like to attend:
Online meetups | Carers UK
Wishing you well
Michael
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