Dilemma -Your thoughts

This may sound controversial to some but I’d like your opinions.My adult son smokes cigarettes and has done for the last 20 years since he was a teenager. He is also a habitual user of Cannabis.Smoking is the worst possible thing he could be doing for his health given his life shortening disease. His health professionals have advised him as such but he doesn’t care.“I can do what I like and I’m going to die young anyway” is his attitude. Apart from affecting his health, as carers my wife and I have to deal with buying his cigarettes, giving him money for his dealer, putting cigarettes and joints in his mouth, lighting them and letting him in and out of the house.We also have to deal with the worsening condition of his lungs. He is more or less incapable of doing anything for himself and at some point someone will have to roll his joints for him.
I have had enough and have said to my wife i’m not getting involved anymore and neither should she.As far as I’m concerned neither of us should be buying, supplying or getting involved. He says he’ll buy them online but I know he won’t as he’s incapable of doing anything for himself (even when he could). Basically, We’d be forcing him to quit cold turkey, something I did 40 years ago. I’m for it, my wife said she was but no sooner had we started, she caved in because of the emotional blackmail from my son.He’s constantly depressed, never goes out, is constantly moaning and making our life a misery despite saying Cannabis makes him feel better (which it doesn’t). He has one friend who comes round occasionally to share a few spliffs. He wouldn’t come round anymore if our son quit. You’re probably detecting that the atmosphere at home is pretty bad, which it is. There’s nothing more I’d like than to get him out of our house and get our lives back. The smoking dilemma is the tip of a huge iceberg which at the moment is sinking and to some degree has already sunk our relationship.

He is an adult? Then he has no right whatsoever to live with you. You cannot be forced to care for him. He should take the consequences of his actions.

I live in MY house, and whoever lives here knows my rules, and sticks to them. Otherwise they can go.

Very difficult. However, in my opinion you will be enabling him to continue if you carry on as you are. I don’t really know the answer but you and your wife are entitled to live your in some harmony. You both are important and obviously have done your best for your son.
Can you seek advice about him going to rehabilitation or like wise?

Hi Keith
I’m very much of the ‘firm love’ school and think you should help him stop by stopping some of your enabling behaviours, except I’d suggest you make sure there is support there for him, I.e. he knows where he can go/speak to/read to get help through the difficult stages. Maybe a planned (with him) reduction rather than stopping all in one go, but whatever you say or threaten you will do, do it, else he learns you don’t mean it and give in.

However I see you mention some underlying life shortening illness. He probably needs help and counselling to come to better terms with that. I had a friend with a life shortening, disabling condition who ignored and denied it. She ended up drinking and smoking herself to an even earlier death. It took years and was so upsetting to watch, but as only a friend there was little I could, or was allowed to do. My heart goes out to you, it is such a difficult, heart breaking situation.