Hi
My parents lived at home 160 miles from myself and 130 miles from my sister. Recently we moved mum who is 88 and dad who is 87 to a really nice residential home 10 minuets from my home.
Over the last four months I traveled 7000 miles back and to taking my parents for appointments, visiting each other in hospital and sorting out crisis after crisis. My sister could not take the stress anymore and under her doctors instructions stepped back leaving me to deal with everything.
The last three years there health got worse and worse. Neither of them could cope with life and my sisters and my life was spent sorting problem after problem out for them.
Two years ago we activated power of attorney for finances unfortunately they do not have it for health. I took over all there financial dealings and had all the post sent to me. Dad was getting so upset as he could not cope with anything that came by post. By myself taking this pressure off him he was less stressed.
Mum was seeing a mental health nurse at home after years of depression. Every day for the past two years she will cry as life is too overwhelming for her. It is so sad to see.
Things came to a head in January 2018. From that point my sister and I have no life. Everything revolves around mum and dad, each time we went to visit intending to stay for a few days it always stretched out to three or more weeks as something needed sorting.
Both mum and dad had two hospital stays due to falls and collapses from March to August. Again we had to stay to take them to visit each other. We were shopping for them online and in the local shops, we arrange for cleaners to visit twice a month and a gardener to look after the garden. We had milk, bread and potatoes delivered to the house.
Dad has hart failour, due to poor circulation his leg is weeping.
Dad was phoning the district nurses every day demanding home visits. He would tamper with his bandage on his leg to get them to go, they even bandaged his good leg to passify him but this did not work.
He phoned his GP everyday demanding home visits. He was phoning the chemist most days asking for medication that he was hiding then forgetting where he put it. Dad was phoning me up to five times a day.
He would demand I visited forgetting I had only just got home, he would shout then hang up and then phone again. The phone became a thing of fear for me, everytime it rang I felt sick. If I went out there were left messages and most made little sense. On top of that most days I had calls from all the professionals mentioned above, and other issues from mum and dad to deal with, it was a nightmare.
My sister and myself were being told by social services and every professional that mum and dad needed to go into care. We tried to keep them at home so organised a care company to help out.
We put into place a company that would look after all the things mum could not cope with after asking what she needed help with. The company would give out meds, put out and bring in weekly bins, carry out washing and ironing prepare meals and some shopping.
None of this worked because mum and dad keapt complaining how they could not cope to me but at the same time would not let the carer’s do anything.
Mum and dad for a long time had been taking either no medications or taking too much. When we cleared the house we filled and returned to the chemist 15 bags of out of date or hidden meds.
This was a real worry, when the carer’s took over dad was hiding meds saying it was his property and mum was taking lorazepan over and over as neither of them could remember taking any medication.
I bought the carer’s lockable boxes to keep there meds in and had to get the chemist to take new supplies and physically put tablets in these boxes as dad was hiding them before the carer’s arrived.
My sister and myself tried to find mum and dad a home in there city, it was all arranged that they would go in for respite and hopefully stay. At the last moment they changed there minds.
In August dad collapsed and was taken in the early hours to hospital. During his three weeks stay he presented so many safeguarding issues to the staff that I was told he would be discharged into an EMI home permanently.
He had a nurse sitting with him twenty four hours a day, seven days a week because he was a risk to himself and other patients.
Mum had already asked if I could find a home for her and I said that if she did not change her mind again there was a nice one near to me. While dad was in hospital I had to return home as everything was so far behind in my life.
I asked mum to come with me as she was not safe on her own and would be unable to visit dad. I explained we could visit the home near me with a view to her and dad moving in together. I phoned the hospital and they were happy to discharge dad there when he was well enough. I also spoke to dad a few times over the next three weeks and explained the situation he was in. He said as long as mum and he could be together he would be happy to move.
Mum visited the home and loved it agreeing to move there with dad permanently. Three weeks latter they moved in and have been there now for two months. Everything was going well for them after the initial adjustment. I am able to visit and was just starting to catch up on my own life.
After this very long explanation I come to why I have posted on this forum.
Three weeks ago social services visited dad, I was knocked for six when I was told based on dad being able to say he was in a home being looked after by nurses, that in her opinion dad has capacity and wants to live back in his home town. I said as both my parents had lived there for all of there lives then it’s natural they would say that.
I was told I should not have moved them and should not have sold there house. My sister and myself have power of attorney for finance and property, we have taken legal advice and have been reassured that we have acted within the law.
The house was sold to pay for there home fees as you can imagine paying for two is extremely expensive. As far as my sister and myself were concerned they were now living in the residential home, there was no point leaving there old home empty with winter on its way. If the house had any burst pipes or vandalism it would not be covered by insurance.
Neither mum or dad have been diagnosed with dementia or to my knowledge even been assessed by there GP. I was told in March by dad’s doctor that he had dementia but it turns out know that she did not record this. Mum most definitely has early onset as her short term memory is zero and she as no capacity regarding her needs or safety. Dad has all the classic symptoms and has not got capacity regarding his needs or safety.
Dad has always mentally bulied mum, that is why she has terrible depression. Dad has always deflected anything he does not want to do onto mum saying it’s her that does not like something.
He is telling me and mum is telling me that they are very happy in there new care home and want to stay here. But social services are telling me they want to go to a residential home back in there home area. It’s all very distressing and confusing , I believe dad as always is telling mum what to say, with her poor memory she is getting very upset not understanding what is happening. The staff at the care home have recorded mum stating that she wants to stay where she is.
More worryingly they are telling social services that they are missing there friend’s and don’t get any visits. I am visiting every week mostly twice but they don’t remember, my sister comes up every four weeks to stay with me and visit.
I can’t seem to get social services to understand that dad has always been a loaner and has no friends. Mums friends obviously are the same age with the same medical problems.
One has just moved into a home another is going too soon as the family are looking for a suitable home. Mum only has two friends now who are house bound and will not be visiting. Also how long might they live due to there age.
On ballance surley it’s clear mum and dad are in the best place near to family. Can I stop social services moving them?
If they make a decision to move mum and dad can I tell them as I strongly disagree with there poor decision that they will have to take full responsibility and have to arrange everything.
When I say I am suicidal I mean I am actually at such a low point I can see no way out of this nightmare.
I have no strength left to organise the move and set up anything that needs dealing with other than looking after there finance’s. We have already tried everything and none of it has worked. I know when mum and dad realise no one is going to visit them including my sister and myself they will be so upset.
Any advice would be a great help.