Desperate for a solution

My grandmother has just been discharged from hospital following a bad fall after a series of others. She is adamant she doesn’t want to go into a care home and therefore she has been discharged and allowed back home (sheltered) with carers visiting a few times a day.
This was arranged on the basis that she would have to wait for the carers to arrive and not try and get up at night by herself as she would almost certainly fall again. She agreed to this arrangement but refused to have a commode which she evidently needs. It was put in her flat anyway but she refuses to use it.
Since she has been home she has got up in the night and has fallen four times in as many days. The ambulance staff tell her she needs to go back into hospital but she refuses. As a result my mum is receiving calls in the middle of the night from the sheltered housing alarm staff asking her to go to my grandmother as she is on the floor again.
This has come after many years of my mum caring for my grandmother and she is so worn out and mentally drained. My grandmother is quite a difficult character to begin with and very demanding. She believes it’s my Mums job to look after her all the time and tells her not to go away anywhere.
We obviously don’t want to insist she goes into a home as it is her choice and we understand than she would rather be in her own home. There seems like there is no obvious solution to this and it’s just spiralling out of control and getting worse every day for everyone including my grandmother. I wondered anyone else has experienced a similar situation? I’m desperate to help my mum as she is close to having a nervous breakdown.

Hi Laura - Sounds like you’re caught between what your gran wants and what your mum wants. Although you might want your gran to have her choice in where she lives, that can’t really be at the cost of you’re mum’s physical and mental health. And it doesn’t sound like your gran is ‘playing by the rules’. At the moment your poor mum is enabling your gran to live like this though. I think, if you want to help your mum, you’re going to have to help her take a tough line. She doesn’t have to answer her phone, or go round. She could turn off her phone, and set up an answerphone message directing any calls to phone 999 in case of an emergency. I think that until your gran realizes that your mum cannot provide her with the 24 hour a day care she needs she will carry on as she is. Have you encouraged your mum to ask for advice here? There are a lot of people with considerable experience who would be able to give her advice.

The warren must stop ringing mum. If gran falls the warden must phone the ambulance service every single time. I had a similar problem with my mum, and was told that I must not lift mum myself. Confirmed by one of the heads of the ambulance service who happens to be a personal friend. The ambulance staff should then keep telling the doctor there is a problem with nan . This will get things moving. How old is nan?

Thank you very much for your replies, I really appreciate your advice and will pass this on to my mum. I know she will find it hard but I agree that is what is best as my mum can’t lift her anyway so there is little she can do until an ambulance arrives. My nan is 88. I have told my mum about this site but her time is taken up so much with calls and appointments and being with my nan she doesn’t really have time or headspace to use this site so I thought I’d ask for her. Thanks again for your advice. Hopefully things will improve although sadly it seems like a deterioting situation with my nan. I think she does need to be in a care home really but she already suffers badly with depression and I expect this would be 10x worse if she did go into a home as she is so against it.

My mum was in a lovely care home, there were almost non stop activities, trips out etc.
Could you look at local homes to help mum?
They can be expensive, so before you start you need to know
Does nan own or rent her home?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings?
Does mum have power of attorney?

If nan doesn’t want to go into a home then she needs to agree to some help for mum, especially to do cleaning. Anyone can do that, it would free up mum and nan to have some “Quality Time”.

Thank you very much for your advice, that’s really helpful and I’ll pass this on to my mum.