In many ways, your situation is worse than mine, suddenly bereaved because of a massive heart attack.
My sister in law was divorced after her husband left her for someone else.
I used to think her situation was worse too.
I had the clean break and the pity/understanding, but I also learned to understand why the Americans used the word I can’t stand - “closure”.
You and my SIL knew that the other person was still there in the background, but the relationship was irrevocably changed.
I have come to live with an element of grief. My sons and I still talk about my OH freely, we did so much as a family and it keeps our happy memories alive. (We were well known throughout the steam and lorry preservation world). Remember those happy memories you had together.
I couldn’t bear to look at photos for a long time afterwards. If they are tormenting you, not helping, put them away for a while. You don’t need photos to remember love, it will be there forever.
Hey ho. I’ve managed to get to another Friday night. The weekends are pretty meaninglessness now i don’t share them with Bridget. Even being retired the weekends promised something different to do.
There’s a dearth of books out there addressing our problems associated with dementia and long goodbyes. Plenty to do with death grief but not anticipate/ ambiguous grief that is equally hard to cope with. My counsellor suggested someone like myself or my friends on the Forum write one but where to start? But I do believe it would incredibly useful but it’s having the skills to do what we have all experienced justice.
I keep searching but nothing has been quite what I’m looking for.
I’ll probably be writing something over the weekend. Take good care and be gentle with your sadness
Bridget’s had another fall. This time she went into someone else’s bedroom, startled the man and she was startled and fell backwards. They’ve checked her and she’s ok. The man is complaining that she shouldn’t go in his bedroom. They’re going to try to deter her from going into other rooms. Good luck with that!!
She likes to wander and meet people. In one way that’s good but it increases the chances of falling.
I was ok today, now I’m not. I worry about her all the time although it’s someone else’s job to look after her now. But it highlights the fact that I can’t personally care and protect her anymore and I’ve handed it to others. And it highlights that she’s in another world and I can’t control anything.
I dread these phone calls. One day it’s going to be really serious and I’m not sure what’ll do.
Every day it’s almost like I’m being tested. It relentless this thinking “is today going to be ok or will something happen to upset me “ . A comfort , if there’s one, is that she probably won’t remember she fell.
I sit here and remember the day she left me for good, just got in a car and was taken away. She seemed so trusting that day. I felt such a traitor arranging it all behind her back and now I know I couldn’t have gone on any longer than I did. But it breaks my heart thinking about it. I go for periods when I’m ok and then something like this fall sets me off again and I’m a crying mess. I hate crying. I think I’m over crying and then the memories flood back and off I go again.
My poor Bridget, I can’t be in the home with you, to help you and care for you.
I’m encouraged to write a journal by my counsellor and ive done this off and on since the dementia started in 2017. But I was writing this morning and I couldn’t continue when I remembered the time when Bridget suddenly asked me what my wedding ring meant and I knew then something had shifted. The next morning I wasn’t her husband anymore.
She kept on and on into taking her to our local hospital 4 times looking for me and I was so angry and shouted and cried and she asked the staff where her husband was with me behind her and I got her home and she looked in sheds, rooms , round the roads and cried because she couldn’t find him. I lost it and said never again and I couldn’t appreciate what she was going through and I feel wretched that I couldn’t or wouldn’t comfort her then when she needed comfort the most. I’d had a couple of years bad dementia problems by then but even so I feel I could have done more. Who knows!
In many ways I feel I need to be punished to try and pay the debt. Perhaps my grief and heartache and remorse are my punishment.
Anyway, right or wrong that’s what I’m left with today
It’s strange isn’t it that when I was looking after Bridget here at home we had very little contact with the outside world but I didn’t particularly feel lonely. Now I’m on my own I’ve managed to see more people, contact different people even in these times of Covid. But I feel more lonely than ever .
I suppose it’s because I’ve lost my caring role because that’s all I really wanted to do, look after Bridget. I needed very little else.
Its cold and dark and I’m miserable. Not yet 7pm and I might as well go to bed.
Do you feel lost about your future because I know I do. I look into the future even if I’m advised not to and see not very much. How does anyone keep motivated?
The council have agreed full funding for the home so no top up from me required. Just got to wait for the financial assessment now of Bridget’s money. Another hurdle jumped .
It’s a good step forward for the council to have accepted full financial responsibility for Bridget.
Have you told DWP that she is in residential care?
If not, be sure to do so asap. You don’t want any nasty surprises later.
Have you also told the local council that you are living on your own now, and claimed the 25% discount?
Doing these things is another part of the grieving process, accepting that Bridget cannot live at home ever again. I know how sad that is too.
Have you found a copy of the book “Starting Again” by Sarah Litvinoff? It helped me.
All these things are tiny, tiny steps forward into your new life.
You need to try various new things, rather than retrace things you did before, together.
Write down anything and everything you’ve ever considered doing, places you’d like to go, etc.
Do you have any hobbies?
I’ve just finished some jobs round the house and found myself talking to Bridget hoping she’ll like what I’ve done. Big mistake ! Just reinforces that she’s not here to say anything, just me talking to an empty house.
What is a partner, friend, lover anyway. I’ve realised it’s someone you can touch at anytime, share an experience, remember together, move stuff about so it’s in a different place, know that someone else will see what you’ve done and say something. I can do anything now and I don’t like it.
I even found myself today being angry at her for leaving me like this but that’s not fair I know because she never wanted dementia. I just feel so damn, I don’t know, abandoned.
Anyway, another day gone and I’m in my safe warm bed. Tomorrow, who knows, more of the same!
Peter,
I remember Susieq saying her Mum kept asking Susieq where her daughter was and telling her she’s better go before her daughter got home. Most likely, in her mind she was imagining Susieq when she was very young. Bridget was probably looking for a much younger version of you.
Although, you haven’t found a book precisely about the drawn out grief that goes with the long goodbye, you have been recommended some other good reads on this thread.
Have you finished your table project? Any other projects lined up?
Any bits of dull furniture I look at all day will be painted with Japanese designs. Just finished the kitchen table and putting varnish on for protection
“Painted with Japanese designs” sounds beautiful.
I have an armoury of different sanders, and can paint skirting boards and walls, but cannot draw at all.
I’d love to see some of your finished work.
Peter
I love Japanese and Chinese designs. So admire your talent.
Oh and I have had cross moments with hubby, when trying to sort things that he used to do. Now I just say " come on X, how do I sort this"?. For some odd reason it makes me get on with it.
I’ve just finished a zoom meeting with family and friends. Didn’t really want to do it but thought I’d do my best. Everyone was cheerful and upbeat and talking about Covid and home improvements and hangovers and diets.
The only mention of Bridget was ‘has she had her jab yet’ and I filled in the details. Not one person in all the talk asked anymore about her or my situation. My whole life is underpinned by my feelings and emotions for Bridget and no one seems to get it. I’ve every right to be a miserable old so and so and not join in with the jollity.
I’ve said this before but it’s almost like “ well, Bridget taken care of now and Peter needs to get on with his life and let’s not talk about all that depressing dementia stuff, let’s not spoil the atmosphere with questions about how Peter feels”
But how can anyone who isn’t in this situation even come close to knowing the torment we go through everyday. Am I making far too much of my grief ? Am I guilty of a little wallowing in it?
My daughter I suppose really wants me to be happier for my own sake but how can I NOT be stuck in this grief. That’s why I need counselling for heavens sake! I just get so annoyed that this pushing by others into the background of Bridget’s condition and my situation is acceptable. I wonder if it would be the same if she was in a hospice dying of cancer. That’s cleaner somehow, not grimy like dementia.
I so need people on this Forum who understand this . I’m left with an empty feeling of isolation
As a widow, I understand the grief and the feeling of loneliness and isolation. After 15 years I have accepted it now. Your daughters will be feeling it too, they won’t ever forget their mum, you can be sure of that. Maybe they feel they have lost the old dad too?
Peter
I understand your feelings too. Sadly it’s the way it is. To others, our loved ones won’t be the whole topic if conversation. It’s far too difficult for everyone. Especially as no one can put a comforting arm around you. Bridget isn’t forgotten. You aren’t being left out of conversation. It would be even more hurt if your family thought you weren’t interested in their lives too. Try to see things from their side. Go with the flow of conversation. You are allowed to smile with people too!
If several people were involved in your Zoom meeting Peter, maybe they felt it wouldn’t be appropriate to discuss Bridget in case it upset you in front of them all.
Do you ever ring your kids and tell them how you feel? They may be thinking that because you don’t discuss her, you are coping fine.
When the better weather comes you will be able to get out more and interact with people. This is a tough time for all of us and this bitterly cold weather and being stuck inside isn’t helping either.
I am pleased you don’t at least have any financial concerns with Bridget’s care as you report that it is all sorted now.