Peter
You can ’ go on’ as much as you need/ want to. I did, from March 2016! Feel it may be easier to say how you are feeling which can change from hour to hour, without upsetting others you care for, on the forum to people who understand but don’t actually know you.
I won’t say it gets easier, or similar, but most people adjust.
You may not think your posts are not helpful to others, but be assured they do.
Thank you for sending your love to us, and I am sending some back.
Hi Peter,
as Pet66 says, others reading your posts will realise they aren’t the only ones experiencing grief at watching a loved one decline and the myriad of feelings this evokes. Also, we understand that you don’t have the emotional energy to directly to respond to others much at the moment.
Have you thought about getting a pet? Would make the house feel less empty and when you get home after a window visit with Bridget, you would be able to announce I’m home etc to a little personality who would be glad to see you. Just a thought.
Melly1
Ah, a pet! Now there’s a saga. On the insistence of my daughter and lots of persuasion I got a greyhound back in July last year but ended up taking it back to the rehoming centre. I couldn’t cope with the responsibility at the time as I was in a very dark place.
I’m considering the idea ( one week after Bridget went into the home my last cat died) but this time I need to be certain. We had two cats once, both chosen by Bridget so his death was very upsetting. Lockdown doesn’t make it easy to get another one as rescue centres are shut.
Love to you all 
Peter,
Why not stick to a cat, that’s what you know.
Some places are rehoming now but some aren’t as they have pets placed in foster homes. Those that are, have a limit on how far people can travel from.
Could just start looking on the internet.
Melly1
PS just as an aside, after Covid, Bridget might enjoy visits from a PAL pet; but in the meantime she might enjoy one of the toy cats that breathe. Here is an example Shop for Dementia and Home Care Products - Lifted
Something else has set me off and i’ve dissolved into tears again. It’s Saturday lunchtime and it’s quiet and i’m alone.
I still acutely believe I drove my Bridget away with my ongoing selfishness and being a self centred person, that i’m convinced that has been my basic personality. Why am i like this and I alway think i’ve been like this and now i’ve lost my Bridget for ever. I’m an only child … does that have any bearing, i don’t know, but i’m not that bad am i? …i just can’t seem to come to terms with anything.
Yes she has dementia but I can’t help thinking that just thinking of myself somehow made matters a lot worse. And now i’m paying the price. Bridget hardly ever felt she came first, always thinking of others, helping out, big family person, but me on the other hand mostly felt for my own wants. It seems that way.
Can this type of thing drive another away? It certainly can in normal relationships but can it magnify and increase the chances of dementia and Bridget’s need to escape the house and me. You see, i just don’t know for sure and not being sure one way or the other makes me very unhappy.
Once again thanks for listening
Peter
Peter, why are you torturing yourself so much?
Bridget was clearly a lovely person, kind, loving, generous of spirit.
Who did she choose to love and cherish, who did she want as a life partner. YOU.
I loved my husband with every part of my being.
He loved his steam engines, his engineering, but I knew he loved me so much, and I him.
In many ways we were so different, many others we were two peas in a pod.
When people asked us how we had such a good marriage, we’d laugh and say we didn’t know who deserved the medal the most. Him for putting up with me, or me for putting up with him!
You don’t have to say “I love you” a million times or shower someone with gifts.
I have absolutely no doubt that she really, really loved you.
When I had a serious cancer op, I told my husband that if I didn’t survive, I wanted him to find someone else, as I knew how lonely he would be without me.
He said the same applied if he went first. Sadly, he died 18 months later.
At his funeral, one of our friends who had known my husband since he was a boy, widowed when he was in his 30’s, gave me a lecture, telling me I had to make a new life for myself. I did not appreciate that, but it was said with kindness, and he checks up quietly on us from time to time.
I haven’t found a new partner, for various reasons, but I have made a new life for myself.
When I suggested you went on holiday or out for the day, you didn’t feel was possible.
You MUST give new things a try, make new memories.
Not try and do was Bridget did, or you did with her, but something completely different.
For the moment, we all have to stay local, but there are still opportunities to do something new.
Going for a walk somewhere different, buying a different paper, joining something new on facebook, looking at things you like on ebay.
Maybe related to your old occupation, or a hobby you’ve always wanted to have a go at, but never had the time.
Even making something different for your evening meal.
It takes real guts, and many tears, to get through this. Far worse for you than me, when Bridget’s body is still here, but “your” Bridget has gone forever.
I know how often you feel “I must tell Bridget” but you can’t.
The old Bridget, your very own, very special Bridget, is still in your heart, and always will be.
Wouldn’t she be cross with you if she could see you moping around??
Peter
Thoughts do magnify, and doubts creep in, especially when alone.
I don’t believe for one second you have driven your wife away. Very sadly, she has developed dementia, no fault of yours, or any one else. It’s an illness, disease, whatever you call it, that has happened for probably thousands of years. Research still hasn’t found the answers fully.
Loved ones suffer more than the person who has it.
Grief in whatever form causes questions and doubts.
Peter
I do have a lot of sympathy for you. If you do not want the responsibility of a pet, could you foster for a cat charity just to see how it works out? The Cinnamon Trust used to always need short and long term fosters - their owners were in hospital or sometimes when they came out of hospital, went into long term care homes.
I think we all agree dementia is a terrible disease a living death for the relations as the person they loved diappears totally…
Just been to the home to see Bridget. She was asleep but they woke her and brought her to the door to see me. Very vague and disoriented today. She’s surrounded by staff all wanting to do stuff. Open the banana, give her the flowers and I know i wouldn’t have stood a chance on my own caring for her now, especially in these dreadful pandemic times.
But oh the sadness of it all. She looks at me with little comprehension and turns and walks away. I feel so sad for her, not because of her care but because us as a strong vibrant couple is no more and it’s lost to us both.
It’s extremely difficult to describe emotions in words sometimes but I try my best. I feel sorry for myself and for her. And I’m also drifting away very very gradually, day by day, from her and the ordinariness, quite simple life we had. She’s a woman I used to know. And feeling like this makes me feel somewhat awkward and a bit of a deserter.
I’m currently in a car park and miserable. Perhaps a silly film later will cheer me up😄 Peter
Peter - get yourself a copy of that book I recommended. The Little Girl in The Radiator by Martin Slevin. I recommended it to a friend whose Mum has dementia and she emailed me to thank me and said it has taught her so much. She got her copy on ebay. I think you and Martin Slevin would be on the same wave length.
Sounds like your wife has now gone into her own little world and as long as she is clean, well fed, well looked after and not upset I think that’s something to be thankful for. Sounds like she is still mobile and that’s good too. It IS hard watching this (I did it for 4 years with my Mum) and there is very little you can do but sit it out and be with her when you can. Do you ever send nice cards in for her? I used to do that for Mum during the 3 months I couldn’t see her. The staff used to stick them up on the walls for her.
Take care Peter.
Just been to the home to see Bridget. She was asleep but they woke her and brought her to the door to see me. Very vague and disoriented today. She’s surrounded by staff all wanting to do stuff. Open the banana, give her the flowers and I know i wouldn’t have stood a chance on my own caring for her now, especially in these dreadful pandemic times.
But oh the sadness of it all. She looks at me with little comprehension and turns and walks away. I feel so sad for her, not because of her care but because us as a strong vibrant couple is no more and it’s lost to us both.
It’s extremely difficult to describe emotions in words sometimes but I try my best. I feel sorry for myself and for her. And I’m also drifting away very very gradually, day by day, from her and the ordinariness, quite simple life we had. She’s a woman I used to know. And feeling like this makes me feel somewhat awkward and a bit of a deserter.
I’m currently in a car park and miserable. Perhaps a silly film later will cheer up : Peter
When will this misery ever stop? I don’t know why but lm in floods of tears right now thinking of the times before Bridget went into the home. I didn’t really appreciate at all the anxiety she was going through. She made me drive to the hospital 4 times looking for her husband and I was so cross and shouted at her. The night before she left here to go to the home i barricaded my bedroom door to stop her coming in at 2 in the morning to plead with me to take her to her parents.
I heard her get up and slowly walk along the landing and then she gently tried my bedroom door handle. I watched it turn and did nothing. I just hoped she’d go back to her bed which she did. I abandoned her when I should have taken her in my arms and tried to comfort her. What sort of man am I? I think of these moments now and I’m ashamed at my behaviour
She so wanted release from all the anxiety and panic dementia brings and I couldn’t do it.
I kept going with her for nearly 4 years of some sort of dementia behaviour. I lived with it and tried my best to fit in around day to day dementia problems. At first it wasn’t too bad, we had some form of good life, we went out, did things, but more and more the dementia impacted in our lives.
Now she stoically gets on with her life in the home. You know what, she’s never cried once throughout all of this, never cried over her dementia condition, never cried when she couldn’t escape the house and never cried because she’s now in the care home.
Again thanks for listening. Peter
Peter
Please stop torturing yourself! Bridget’s dementia onset is not your fault. It’s not her fault. It’s happened, and your feelings of guilt will not change the situation. She seems happy in her dementia world from what I read from your posts. Some residents, in hubby’s nursing home were stuck in a situation, where they constantly asked for a love one, repeating the same words for hours. I was thankful hubby wasn’t like that. Yes, he used to ask the staff if they had seen me, but was pacified with the reassurance they gave. He was aggressive in his dementia at times, which broke my heart, as he wasn’t an aggressive man. I too shouted at my husband a couple of times, and the guilt monster kicked me. It wasn’t really him I was angry with, but the situation we were in. Try to redirect your thoughts to the better things. Have your tears, of course, but maybe for what you have lost, not for the moments of impatience, that you cannot change. You are happy with the care she is recieving, which is blessing. Your well being is important too
Peter,
you are only human and I bet you both exchanged the occasional cross word with each other before the onset of dementia too didn’t you?!
Take heart that whilst you are replaying the moments when you were exhausted and struggling to cope and revealed your frustration - Bridget no longer remembers those moments. Focus your energy instead on what she would like for you, if she were able to be asked and say - she would want you to be happy and want the best for you. Also think of little treats and gifts you can take for her to make a feel loved and bring her pleasure - until you can visit her properly again.
Melly1
Two things happen today. At 11.30 I have a zoom meeting with my counsellor. I’m very fortunate that I got back onto her list after meetings stopped back in March 2020. We go over most of the stuff I post on here. I try and collect my thoughts and write down what I want to discuss. It’s strange because part of me doesn’t feel I deserve such attention because others are going through much worse than me. I’ve explained this to her but she feels I’m as deserving as the next person.
I’m also going to see Bridget this afternoon and I always, always feel apprehensive as soon as I get in the car to go. Will she be attentive, say something that pulls my heart strings. Will I come away happy or sad?
So all in all a bit of a emotional day.
Peter
It’s not my usual day for visiting Bridget but I was passing the road so I decided to go round to see her.
Fate had it that today and what happened made me extremely upset and so it goes on. I go to the door and one of the male staff sees me and goes off to find her and then brings her to the door. He puts his arm around her shoulders in a caring supportive, almost chummy manner, but to me I get all sorts of mixed messages that I should be doing that and I don’t want him to do that, that’s my wife, she belongs to me.
I get home really upset and phone an Admiral nurse who explains that , in these days of visitor restrictions , staff within care homes need to comfort residents and if it’s not inappropriate touching not to worry. Also that’s her home now with the staff her family and people she’s used to. But the nurse understood as she said you miss your wife, you miss her touch, if all about grief.
But I’m left with the memory of his arm round her shoulders. I’m jealous and I hope he spreads his care to other residents not to just my Bridget. Is it possible that’s just the way he is and I’m reading far too much into it? And how could I ever square this with the home without causing upset over probably an innocent gesture
My minds a mess sometimes and an instance like this makes my imagination and emotions go into overdrive.
peter
Peter, I would say that as he did it so openly and because Bridget was fine with it - then it supports what the nurse is saying. If a female member of staff had done it would it have bothered you less?
You are still Bridget’s husband and I really hope that soon you will be able to visit properly and give her a hug.
Has the home rolled out the vaccine for residents yet?
Melly1
Peter
It can be a difficult thing to adjust to. A young pretty assistant was holding my husband’s hand as I was leaving at one time. I know in my head she was just caring, and I suspect keeping him calm, as it was time to hoist him for the toilet, which he hated. My heart felt a pang. She was of lovely member of staff, and I knew she was like this with other residents. I have a feeling the member of staff put his arm round Bridget’s shoulder to reassure you she is being cared for. Be pleased she seems settled.
I thought what might be a good idea is to transfer all the pictures of Bridget over the years from my PC stuck in a bedroom onto my iPad. So I’ve been going through, painfully, each year separating her picture into a separate file.
You can imagine the distress this is causing but somehow I can’t stop. I somehow owe it to her to be resilient and a little brave because I’m the keeper of the memories now and responsible even though she’ll never remember any. Each picture reminds me of my Bridget when she was bright , alert, full of life and energy enjoying our life and the children. She so loved the children.
So when it’s done I’ll have all the photos to hand on my iPad.
The photos in the albums on the shelves I can’t go near. That’s too painful.
Peter
I’m off to the home this afternoon so I’ll probably be a miserable mess as usual when I walk back to the car.
My fellow posters, I’ll tell you this. Sometimes when I’m at my lowest I just wish it was all over. I’m dreading that phone call to say she’s very ill or has died. Got to happen sometime unless I die first from an unexpected accident or something ( I’m generally fit) . I’m just treading water really. Bridget doesn’t know me and if I didn’t go anymore I suspect she wouldn’t remember. It’s a one way relationship. I think like this everyday and then I lurch from one emotion to another. Covid has made matters worse of course because of the isolation we all face.
Peter