Hi, i am new to this forum and just wanted some advice please. apologies in advance for such a long post-
My mother in law has now quite advanced dementia, she was still living at home alone with two 30 min care visits a day until 4 weeks ago, when after kept insisting she was not coping and had a doctor see her, she was admitted to hospital with severe dehydration, poor bloods and kidneys at less than 20% function.
my husband and I have been "managing " everything as best we can albeit slightly remotely for her for quite sometime,
she had been properly means tested by adult services and is being funded. although she pays towards it as has a decent pension, just no real savings.
we thankfully, have POA in place for finances and are able to keep on top of that, I manage all her household bills and food shopping etc and try to keep everything together, we had gas fire capped as kept leaving it on etc. but we both work long hours and are not that local to her- so much of it is remotely done !
it was all ok for about 20 months or so, although things had been gradually going downhill, she is extremely proud and quite feisty, is still quite mobile but now gets confused with preparing her food and eating and preparing drinks, despite very regular bowel leaking problems she refused to wear any sort of pads or any help with any personal care and insist she had already showered and washed etc every single day when clearly had not for quite sometime, in fact for up to a year we estimate.
we could see the mess the house was getting into the faeces were stains., we cleared up as best we could but she would get so angry if anyone interfered- it has been a real struggle
Quite frankly, I could see she was heading to crisis and have been trying our best to help her while pushing adult services and her social worker to get her more support,.
she also had bowel cancer about 15 years ago and has been clear up till now, when admitted to hospital the doctors suspect it has possibly returned but are limited in their diagnosis options as cannot conduct invasive procedures or CT scans etc to determine this due to poor kidney function and her frailty (she is just 6 stone !) and of course the dementia on top of that.
despite that is she bright in herself and doctors in fact could not believe how active she still is, as from her blood work and poor kidney function she should be laid up in bed ( but as I say she is a very feisty and strong willed lady 
)
so, the hospital declared her last week to be as well as they can now get her medically and wish to discharge, Adult services had a meeting with us both to discuss best options for her , I am afraid, for her safe guarding, our wish would be a move to residential care where she can get help and support at all times and also for the social aspect as she enjoys others compan very much. but sadly we did not have a health POA in place so, as my MIL was able to tell the social worker , "no i want to go home " -even though in my experience I do not think she knows where “home” is, as she has settled very well into hospital routine and not asked about going home in 4 weeks- her wishes have to be, of course, respected- which i do understand but it worries me greatly.
so, the social worker initially suggested sending my MIL home with 4 x 30 min visits per day - as, and i quote " she has been managing on 2 x 30 min visits per day"
we pointed out that clearly she has not been, otherwise would not have ended up in hospital 
my husband point blank refused this suggestion, as the thought of her sitting for 6 hours plus with soiled diapers etc or worse removing them herself was not even an option plus the loneliness of it.
so, they are now proposing they find her a live in carer - which i am still unsure about but at least she would have help and support ( provided she will accept personal care at home now - since she has been accepting it in hospital finally )
as a foot note here, while she has been in hospital we took the opportunity to go over and deep clean her whole place for her , carpets as well and sadly found. traces of her bowel problems everywhere, multiple soiled sheets, soiled beds in every room, hidden soiled clothing all sorts, some of it over a long period by the looks of it, as we were unable to get some items clean and had to dispose of two complete beds which were a health hazard
it is heartbreaking as she was the cleanest person i know if and so very houseproud- she would have been mortified if she understood…
so after this very long introduction, i guess i am asking for others experiences of live in care at home- can it work or ultimately is it just a stop gap to a move to more supported care ?
it is all such a worry and despite much research on all aspects of this, and us trying to do the best we can for her, we do not quite know what to do for the best at this moment in time.