So first up I am sorry if this is not the right place to be posting about this, but I wasn’t sure where else to bring it up.
I am 35f and my brother is 27 and he is severely disabled with cerebral palsy. Physically he is just about capable of independently transferring between i.e. his bed to his chair, and from one chair to another, but otherwise he is dependent on help for everything from eating, dressing, washing etc. He’s also mentally quite disabled - he can understand simple instructions, and he can make himself understood fairly well, but his intelligence is low and this is reflected in his behaviour.
My parents have taken care of him since birth with only bare minimal input from professional carers etc. But they are both now almost 70 and it’s getting harder and harder for them and I am having to help out more and more which I am happy to do for now- longer term I am not sure what will happen.
As you’d expect I see him naked a lot, but I am noticing now that he has erections more and more frequently. Even if he doesn’t have an erection initially, he will get hard during the process of cleaning / dressing and its not possible to avoid handling his erect penis.
I know this is just likely to be part and parcel of caring for him, but I feel like nobody has ever explicitly told me to expect this, or how to deal with it. I mentioned it to my mom and dad but they basically suggested it was so infrequent as to not even be worth talking about, but I am finding it’s happening essentially every single time.
I hoped that somebody would have something useful to say?
Welcome to the Forum and for posting. t must have been difficult for you to write about the topic. Before anything else may I congratulate you on what you are doing for your brother and to help your parents.
May I first say that getting an erection is a perfectly natural thing to happen. It happens frequently to teenage boys and can be embarrassing to many and it’s a topic which is often not discussed by parents and is taboo in many families yet there is nothing unusual about it. You may find that googling the situation may be of help, but here’s a link which may be of use to start with.
Might I suggest you try to have a conversation with the family GP or any health worker who may be involved. They will be able to give you reassurance and also discuss ways of dealing with the situation you find yourself in. I would say the best thing to do is simply ignore the situation and when washing him, just carry on.
I admire you for what you are doing and the situation you find yourself in is similar to many who find themselves “sleepwalking” into caring. I would also suggest you open discussions to get help for the whole family. You’ve hinted that your parents are growing older and less able to provide the level of care they had been providing. That means it is time to get extra help in - even though I am sure you all want to manage as a family. There is no shame in saying ‘enough is enough’ and getting the help/support which you are entitled to. In the end it is for the safety of your brother as - take it from one who has found out for myself recently - its sooo easy to rech a point of being burned out without realising and that is no help to you, Mum and Dad or your brother. It’s a hard position to find yourself in.
On a personal point - I know he is my husband, but I now have to catheterise Graham and then fit a conveen (like a condom but connects to a night bag to drain urine whilst he sleeps. He’s fuly aware of what is happening and it is humiliating for him, so I end up making a joke of everything, but it IS humiliating for anyone to be unable to deal with basic bodily functions. Remember, your brother is not doing this deliberately or in direct response to the care you are giving so try not to be embarrassed by it all.
Not sure if you will find this reassuring or helpful, but many people on here have had to deal with intimate problems, so please don’t worry about about talking openly.
I don’t have experience of this as a family carer (which I think makes this much harder, especially as you are his sister and not his parent;) however I do from when I provided respite care and also from my work in school.
If someone we were tending to had an erection, we would make sure they were safe, cover them with a towel or their bedding and give them some privacy until they were no longer aroused.
We also promoted ensuring that the young people had time to explore their own genitals as often they are always wearing pads and therefore don’t have he opportunity to do this. This could be when they are in the netting support seat in the bath (carer in earshot but giving them privacy); on commode or linked into bedtime routine or before or after personal care.
You might find this resource helpful, its not just about difficult sexual behaviour but also explains that erections are totally natural and normal (as @Chris_22081 explains in his post) We were typing at the same time.
I would add though, that it may be more appropriate for your brother to receive personal care from professional carers.
