Dad bad mouthing/ saying that I being manipulated by my partner

All about caring
,
1

I care for, and live next to my dad (we have lived next to him since 2016), prior to that, we lived in my house, in another town, since 2013, we married in 2014, so have been married for 11 years

My dad has COPD, and heart failure, he is in permanent oxygen. He is 76 years old, does not have dementia (he was recently tested by his GP). Dad doesn’t really take any responsibility for his own health and wellbeing. He tends to think he knows better than anyone else. Rather than try and maintain his fitness and strength and do a little bit of walking every day he would rather just sit in his chair, becoming weaker and weaker

Prior to possibly the past year, my partner got on very well with dad, he has actually been on holiday with us a number of times, he used to go with my partner down to Lancashire to watch one of the football teams, actually had a disabled season ticket.

For various reasons, we have had to tell my dad that he needs to do more, which he is perfectly capable of.

My dad has, on about 2 occasions in the past, said that he thinks that my partner is a sponger, and that I am manipulated. This recently came to light again, and his explanation for this is that, in my will, I have said that my partner can live in my house, the one we lived in when we first got married, (not even that she will inherit it, she will only have use of it during her lifetime, then it goes to my niece and nephew). Dad’s argument is that my partner has a house that we both part own, which is about 30 miles from where we live now, in quite an isolated area.

I have told dad that what I do with my property is up to me, and that what he is saying is both ridiculous and disgusting.

My partner now does not speak to my dad, and, as you can imagine is very hurt and upset by what he has said.

This is now really really driving a wedge between us, I think my partner wants my dad to be absolutely riddled with guilt and angst over this, and, I just don’t think that is ever going to happen.

I don’t feel that I either love or respect my dad any longer, my partner absolutely hates his guts.

My dad hardly ever goes out, and doesn’t really have any friends, and so, once he gets these ideas in his head, they just take root.

It’s also very hard for me, because, when dad and I talk, I think basically, it goes in one ear and out the other. There aren’t really any consequences for him, I go in 2 or 3 times a week to make sure he is OK, order his pills and stuff, so, I just don’t think he gives a toss.

I don’t think he cares about me. I just don’t really know what to do really.

I don’t want to move away, because I like where we live, and I don’t want to be driven out of my own home by my father. My partner also likes where we live, but I think finds it difficult living next door to my dad.

2

It’s a common trait of the elderly to end up being “self focussed”, almost like survival mode, you won’t change it I’m afraid.
The only thing I can suggest is that you and your partner agree not to talk about him, and if dad starts going on about your partner, just say “I don’t have to listen to this” and go home.

1 Like
3

@WattySam your dad sounds a lot like my Dad towards the end of his life. Became totally selfish and not bothered who he hurt. It is hard to think a Dad you once clearly had a good relationship with has become this, so you are grieving a little for that loss. It is also hard as he is taking it out on your partner, unfairly.
I think @bowlingbun is right, if he starts on again, just say you are going home, close the door and be at home with your partner. You may want to rant about it but try not to dwell on the hurt. My Dad has been gone for nearly a decade but I still feel the hurt but it managing how that hurt is dealt with that is important.
Your home and what you want to do with it is your business, your plans seem perfectly reasonable. Try not popping in so often, if he asks why say because he upsets you, so you are drawing a boundary on the feelings.
keep strong, sending hugs

1 Like
4

Thanks for this. It’s kind of the conclusion we had arrived at ourselves. We both like our home, and really don’t want to move away. So the best thing we can do is basically ignore what he says

1 Like
5

@WattySam yes, I think that is the right move. Hard and sometimes I wish my Dad had been a better person, or at least the person he pretended to be to everyone else. But if they aren’t good people you can’t change this.
You have your life, enjoy it and know you have done all you can, and more

1 Like