Despairing. Any advice welcome

I’m so sorry if this ends up being a long post I will do my best to keep it brief.
Mum had Lewy body dementia and died nearly 3 years ago. I looked after her in her home.
Dad (now 89) at the same time had a brain tumour both were in hospital at the same time, dad had to go into rehabilitation because after the operation to remove the tumour he couldn’t walk. We had to take him out in a wheelchair to attend mum’s funeral.
My brother whilst my parents were alive urged me to agree with him to take control of their finances (we have lasting power of attorney) and put them both in a home.
My brother behaved very badly (long, long story) my dad lives with me, my husband and younger son.
My brother offers no help.
Dad is difficult, selfish and manipulative.
I am covered in guilt.
My husband has been a hero but now he’s utterly miffed. (Extreme understatement).
Dad now has been put on fast track NHS CHC, anyone know when this is reviewed?
Dad has metastatic prostate cancer which is no longer being treated and his care is palliative.
Dad’s hospice nurse God bless her arranged an increase in his care package and we are waiting for a live in carer to start on Monday.
That’s all background.
My husband (understandably) is now extremely angry and says the situation has ruined our marriage.
It has put the most terrible strain on our marriage, dad calls for me constantly and refuses to respect our requests for privacy.
My husband is angry and has moved out of our bedroom and threatens to move out of our house. He feels I don’t value our relationship.
I appreciate my husband’s frustration but I don’t want to abandon my dad as his life ends.
Advice please.

SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE! Unless you want to end up with divorce proceedings just after dad dies???
I’m a widow, my advice to you would be to go and give your husband a cuddle, and say that things change from today. Not Monday, not tomorrow, but TODAY.

CHC entitles dad to all the health and social care he needs for the rest of his life, so Is the live in nurse funded by CHC?

How much longer is dad expected to live? If the GP won’t tell you, then ring MacMillan’s helpline, explain his current health issues, and they will be able to give you a good idea. They were within 2 weeks when I did this when my dad had prostate cancer.

If dad is calling for you constantly, then turn the phone off. It really is as simple as that.

Reconcile with your husband. Can you afford marriage counselling or not? Turn off your phone too. Save your marriage. Learn to say no to your dad. You cannot please everyone all the time either. Why can’t your brother help? Insist on him helping you. Tell him that the only other reasonable option left to try at this point is a good reputable care home and watch his reaction.

I really understand that you are torn. You obviously love both your husband and Dad.
Could you explain to your husband that dad is palliative care now,so you cant abandon at this stage. But you are willing to step back and do not want the relationship between you and hubby to be so sour. If you could reassure that you are not putting your dad first, would that help? Personally I think your husband is worn out emotionally with the situation and has lost his way. He needs some hope.
I was widowed in May, after a long goodbye ( dementia etc). I had a good marriage and miss my husband pre dementia. Please think about how you really feel about your own, and what you would like in the future.

With full time care now in place you must spend some time on your marriage. A other’s have said, start now and make plans next week for when care is in place to go out for dinner out of the house. Acknowledge how your husband feels. But also explain how hard this is for you too to be caught in the middle.

Not easy for you. I hope it all works out.

Whenever you are caring for someone else nearing the end of life, it brings home to you and your family how short life is, and how important it is to realise your own dreams before it is too late.
Sadly, my husband and I were so busy caring for our own parents, all living close, for so long that my husband died suddenly at the age of 58, although his dad lived until he was nearly 88. I shall always feel cheated, believing that he would still be here if our parents hadn’t been such a drain on both of us.
Love always comes at a cost, but you cannot constantly do things for others at the expense of your own lives, happiness, and dreams.

I agree with the previous posts.
Caring for an elderly parent puts extreme pressure on us.
Your dad is nearly at the end of his life. Do whatever it takes to please your husband.

Thank you everyone for your advice and for listening.

As the first male to respond, this doesn’t sound good to me, almost as if he’s already made his mind up about the marriage and your Dad is the excuse he was looking for.

I sincerely hope that this is not the case: it’s impossible to know someone from just the few sentences that you wrote, but it doesn’t sound rational to me. What’s the point in moving out of the bedroom?

Your top priority should be your husband and your marriage. Your father is being looked after, so you shouldn’t feel like you’re abandoning him when you spend time with your husband. Is it difficult to reason with your father due to his tumour? I would imagine this would make it difficult to reassure him that you love him dearly but you can’t always be with him.

I do hope you can get some help with sorting this situation out.


Any caring situation is stressful and damaging to family relationships, the amount of times I had to run around and help my friend leaving my wife on her own.
As my friends health got worse and worse there was massive amounts of disruption to my family life.
There were days when I literally couldn’t leave my friend and any plans with my wife e.g out for a meal were cancelled.

Tremendous strain on a marriage And I can understand the situation, you need to be in 2 places at once.
You are torn between your husband and your dad, very difficult.

Sweetheart I agree with the others save your marriage one of my best friends looked after her mother who had severe dementia her husband was struggling so she went to live with a friend and while her mother ended up in care her marriage had ended and she 3 years down the line is still devastated I know it’s your parent but this is the advice she would give you you it’s your time now be selfish for once and think of yourself and your husband. Good luck xx